Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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pensieve
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30 Oct 2013, 7:09 am

Otherside wrote:

I'm not exactly great at consoling either. Online or in real life. Especially in real life.

I rapid cycle over days. Or did, anyway. My moods have been a bit chaotic since they put me on antidepressants. Which can be a bit dangerous to take if you have bipolar. They make a lot of people manic. They just seemed to make me rapid cycle even faster...like you, over hours rather than days. That was horrible.

Perphaps one day we'll get some sort of stability in life. Sadly, for us people with bipolar, it's not as simple as getting a good doctor and taking meds. Or for many mental illnesses, really. The reality is that it's harder than that. And actually takes effort. Which in a depressive episode, I don't have much of, and sometimes, don't even care about recovering.

The longest I've had a mood, manic of course, is 4 days. Depression is shorter (24 hours without a single shift) but it's more severe. I say severe because there's always some intrusive suicidal graphic. 4 days of that would probably have me committed.

I was on anti-depressants. Sometimes I got hyper but nothing compared to what I have to deal with now. Then one night they just stopped working. I had a lot of anxiety and I was exposed to strobe lights, had a meltdown (although I'm not sure if this was mania or a seizure) and then became depressed. I've got a seizure disorder now. I'm not even medicated for it so I guess I'll have to sort that out too. I'm not doing that bad without seizure meds. All I do now is take fish oil for focus and energy and that can even influence mania. Eh.

Seizures mean I can't drink much alcohol. I almost have a fear of drinking red wine because of the extreme rapid cycling mixed moods and paranoia and even delusions/hallucinations. Beer isn't bad but it sets off mania. I usually go a long time without drinking so I can tell how it affects my moods. I even know what food will set me off.

I'm pretty nervous about taking mood stabilizers but I feel like there's no other choice. I can't cope with these moods anymore. My normal moods make me feel dull but maybe I'll get used to it. I'm creative now but with very short term projects so it's hardly worth it. I just get bored or distracted or impulsive easily.

Ditto on thinking that with depression you just feel like it's too much effort to overcome all of this. Mental issues aside I'm also underemployed and lack experience of ever working a job, besides one night jobs as a live band photographer and 2-3 days a week for only two weeks as a wedding photographer editor. And there's the physical health problems. People think I can just take care of myself but I haven't been to the dentist in years, I don't have a GP, and my big toe requires surgery. I feel like my feet will fall off. And I still haven't bought myself a new pair of glass after I broke the last pair when one morning I passed out int he bathroom, landing in such a way that made me think I could have broken my neck and the arm of my glasses only missed stabbing me in the eye by a few centimeters. A couple of days later I quit Ritalin though I only had 5mg x 3 doses and 3-4 glasses of beer. Nothing like a near death experience and heightened anxiety to get me to break bad habits. It could have been so much worse.

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pensieve
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30 Oct 2013, 7:31 am

Otherside wrote:

Bipolar 1 is the severe, full blown bipolar, and generally, someone who is having a manic episode is going to be hospitalized (Mania being such as the person suddenly believing they are Gods prophet, suddenly sell there house to fund a trip to Bolivia, quit there job on an impulse convinced they're going to become the next rock star). Hypomania won't generally lead to being hospitalized (Although, a depressive episode, if the mental health services think you're a risk to yourself, same as with any illness). Hypomania is as severe as mania, and generally, we won't be so out of control that we sell our houses and run off to foreign countries.

And everyone who has bipolar is different. No two cases are the same. There will always be people who are worse than you, and who, as you say, absolutely cannot function in day to day life, and there will be people who have milder cases.

For about 2 years I thought I was going to be the next big sci-fi author, and I'd be pals with Neil Gaiman and authors like that. They'd even turn my trilogy into a movie. It was going to change the perceptions of society too.
No wonder when I reflect on it now I get so depressed. I get embarrassed for myself and depressed. The chapters I wrote were flawless (I'm good at mimicking my favourite authors perfectly) but I haven't got that much focus, motivation of even energy to keep at it. My delusions also made for interesting sci-fi. I even thought my ideas were weird for sci-fi. I'm disappointed it didn't work out though.

Once when I was answering a question on Quora.com I decided to give it a sci-fi spin. I thought it was hilarious but people commented I was schizophrenic. I was just confused.

When I was 12 I told God I would hunt down the anti-Christ and two years ago I got wrapped into the whole end of the world thing and thought that I was actually one of the prophets mentioned in the Bible. And then I started to think any mention of gates in the Bible were actually Stargates.

And when I started reading a book about Synchronicity...oh God...it made my brain rapid fire with countless delusions. And I still believe non-causal events happen and have meaning. It's embarrassing because I prefer to stick with science. One such synchronous event that happened to me can be traced back to May of this year and I kept finding clues as the months went on and even though I now feel stuck because no great life changing event was found at the end and sort of were a complete letdown, I can't help but still believe it.
Delusion? Yeah, probably. I don't want it to be but.

I'm still unsure if delusions happen during hypomania (this was originally going to be what I was going to ask). Or is it just full blown mania? I usually refer to me being manic as 'sped-up,' 'overstimulated,' 'hyper sensitive to sensory stimuli,' and 'racing thoughts.' Naturally there's far too much energy that has me running around and not getting exhausted and having this flood of creative ideas. There's also what I used to call the 'ranty mood.' I now call it dark mania or mixed episodes, even though mixed episodes can be severe rapid cycling over seconds and minutes and include positive hypomanic symptoms and severe depressive symptoms. It's all very confusing to me.

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Otherside
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30 Oct 2013, 9:07 am

pensieve wrote:

Otherside wrote:

"Dark Mania" is pretty much what I get a lot of the time. Mania/Hypomania is a "heightened mood", not necessarily a "good mood". There's too much energy during mania/hypomania, and none during depression. Hypomania/Mania can be irritation, rage, anxiety just as easily as it can be happiness. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing what you mean by hypersensitive to sensory stimuli is getting irritated by the smallest things, due to the fact that things seem louder. I have that problem as well. There is somedays when all I can do is hide away from the world and put a song on my IPod on repeat over and over again.

Delusions would only really occur during a manic episode. There isn't any psychosis in hypomania, and if you were psychotic, the hypomania would have become mania. There is something called Schizoaffecctive though (Which is pretty much co-morbid bipolar/depression/mood disorder and schizophrenia, but then the psychosis would happen in a "normal mood" as well as in an episode).

It could be that the delusions aren't psychotic though. Only a psychiatrist can really work that one out.

Raziel
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30 Oct 2013, 2:31 pm

Otherside wrote:

Raziel wrote:

Otherside wrote:

I thought I had an ASD (and so did a lot of the people I knew) which was why I signed up for this place. My psychologist is telling me it's not AS, and that it is in fact, a Borderline Personality.)

Why does your psychiatrist think it's BPD?

Personally, if I would have another opinion than my psychiatrist, I would propably get a second opinion. I once went through a 3 year time being miss-dx. Maybe you have also symptoms of both...

I found that quote:
"From my own extensive clinical experience and reading autobiographies, women who have Asperger's syndrome can be extremely sensitive to the emotional atmosphere at a social gathering. There is an almost 'sixth sense' for feelings within others of antagonism, fear and despair in group situations. When a girl with Asperger's syndrome who has emotional sensitivity to the negative moods of others has also been bullied and teased by peers and rejected or 'betrayed' by friends, there can be a suggestion of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. Being a 'Tom Boy' in childhood, not being interested in fashion and femininity, make up and perfumes, as well as appreciating the logic of the male brain can lead to concerns regarding sexuality and gender identity. Social immaturity and naivety can also lead to vulnerability to sexual predators and a risk of sexual assault."

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php ... -aspergers

He thinks I'm able to communicate well enough and pick up on emotions for it not to be AS, as well as a couple of things that happened to me at a young age which could well have triggered it. Of course, I could simply have learnt how to communicate better and how to pick up on emotions. I was definately NOT able to communicate throughout a lot of my childhood, and I've had to force myself to be comfortable with eye contact. As well as my slightly odd interests (One of which being payday loans, which is a bit of an odd interest to have)

I don't find it right now, but I remember that Tony Attwood explained in a video that many ppl with AS leanr body language very well, especially women, but in contrair to other ppl they need a second longer to show body language, because they first have to think about it how to react correctly and so the reaction is more contious rather than uncontious as it is usually in NTs.
Maybe that's help to figure it out.

Besides that I get his argument, the only part I don't understand is, why does he think that it's BPD if I might ask?
But if you see it this way, if he is actually right, BPD gets very often better in the 30th and 40th and many even fall out of the diagnostic criterias, but usually show some sensetivity for the rest of their lives. Autism on the other hand is a livelong conditoin, eventhough the ppl with ASD might learn certain things, some problems usually stay for the rest of the live like problems with overload or routines for example.

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Otherside
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30 Oct 2013, 2:43 pm

Connexions emailed me asking me what I'm doing now. The answer to that being...errrrr nothing?

Now lets see...

Was unable to take exams last year due to taking an overdose after an argument with a friend in which I was informed that I did not "care about people" and ended up in hospital because of that. After that, I did not return. I almost ended up in hospital again this summer after contacting said person at three in the morning with paranoid rantings, and being convinced that people were spying on me through my sim card, and snapping it in half. Which I did again a few days ago. I'm gonna have to contact O2 and get hold of a new one at somepoint. I'm currently living at home with my parents and they're not exactly aware of that fact...but somehow, I just feel safer right now without one. Even taking it out the phone still made me paranoid. I've pissed everyone I know off. And paranoid ranted everything that happened to them on Facebook. Publicly. Again, in the middle of the night. So I'm in a state of "what the f**k is going on with me why the heck did I do this this is so embarrassing". And I'm getting tired, really. I just want a state of emotional, mood swing free peace for once. Like I used to have. Like the majority of people have. And don't seem to realize.

So I told them quite simply, that I was doing nothing, and that I was going through borderline/bipolar treatment. I suppose that wasn't what they were expecting, but to be quite frank, I do not care. I am sick. And I do not need people asking why I do not have a job. For f***s sake, I ended up in hospital. Am I supposed to bounce back to normal immediately after discharge? Am I supposed to just take my meds and hey ho, everything is going to be fine! I'm not f*****g doing anything with my life! I barely see people, I've pissed every single person I know off. Which is a great one for me. Really. f*****g great. Well done Elsie, you have pissed everyone you know off. That's a good one, even for you. And what's even better is that I barely remember how, and I was enjoying it at the time. I enjoy f*****g my life to pieces when I'm manic. It gives me a sense of exhileration, power. I feel powerful, controlling people at times. I'm on top of the world, I can do anything, and to f**k with the consequences. I mean, honestly, who gives a f**k when they're manic? no-one that's who. I once read a book where there was a drug that gave you the worlds best high (Similar to mania) but that would kill you after a week. You don't have to worry about the consequences of your actions because you won't be there to deal with them.

Meanwhile, we are. But we don't care. Manic, we don't care. And we always have to watch out for enough manic episode, whilst half-wishing another would come because it felt so good being powerful and anythings better than feeling so sh***y you want to stick your head in the oven but can't because you can't even move and get out of bed that morning. Which is how it has been today. I have done the grand total of...nothing. Except sitting in bed. On the Internet. And playing SWTOR. Which is a great way to spend my life, I suppose, but that's how I feel. f**k, I don't have the energy to get better. That's gonna be the problem.

And I f*****g hate my meds. I hate the side effects. And of course, I actually forget to take them when I'm depressed, due to this lovely "I don't give a f**k" mindset I get into. I also forget to eat. So now I have the doctors asking if I do in fact, have an eating disorder, whilst seeing all this Thin Privilige BS over Tumblr that my following keep reblogging onto my dash. (http://thisisthinprivilege.tumblr.com/). Or white privilige. God, I'm a skinny, probably underweight even, white British eighteen year old and so of course, my life is totally free of all problems. They're apparently trivial compared to the problems that I assure you, 80% of the population deal with, and that these people seem to want to make into a big argument whilst pointing fingers at the starving kids in Africa and screaming "Thin Privilige" whilst eating a doughnut.

Ugh. I hate being Bipolar.

And every time I see someone who has no clue what it is and portrays it as a creative gift...I'm seriously just like "f**k you."

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30 Oct 2013, 4:22 pm

Otherside wrote:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing what you mean by hypersensitive to sensory stimuli is getting irritated by the smallest things, due to the fact that things seem louder. I have that problem as well. There is somedays when all I can do is hide away from the world and put a song on my IPod on repeat over and over again.

Yeah, that's pretty spot on.
My current problem is that I can't hideaway as much because people think I'm deliberately ignoring them because they can't see how uncomfortable I am when just around a few people. It really irritates me how much they don't get it and these people are not strangers to anxiety or even bipolar. They're just older and have had their mental issues much longer than I have.

I can't really read your longer post now. I feel so tired. I think I am having a mixed episode. I don't feel right. I just want to dull my emotions any way I can.

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30 Oct 2013, 5:53 pm

Otherside wrote:

Connexions emailed me asking me what I'm doing now. The answer to that being...errrrr nothing?

Now lets see...

Was unable to take exams last year due to taking an overdose after an argument with a friend in which I was informed that I did not "care about people" and ended up in hospital because of that. After that, I did not return. I almost ended up in hospital again this summer after contacting said person at three in the morning with paranoid rantings, and being convinced that people were spying on me through my sim card, and snapping it in half. Which I did again a few days ago. I'm gonna have to contact O2 and get hold of a new one at somepoint. I'm currently living at home with my parents and they're not exactly aware of that fact...but somehow, I just feel safer right now without one. Even taking it out the phone still made me paranoid. I've pissed everyone I know off. And paranoid ranted everything that happened to them on Facebook. Publicly. Again, in the middle of the night. So I'm in a state of "what the f**k is going on with me why the heck did I do this this is so embarrassing". And I'm getting tired, really. I just want a state of emotional, mood swing free peace for once. Like I used to have. Like the majority of people have. And don't seem to realize.

So I told them quite simply, that I was doing nothing, and that I was going through borderline/bipolar treatment. I suppose that wasn't what they were expecting, but to be quite frank, I do not care. I am sick. And I do not need people asking why I do not have a job. For f**** sake, I ended up in hospital. Am I supposed to bounce back to normal immediately after discharge? Am I supposed to just take my meds and hey ho, everything is going to be fine! I'm not f***ing doing anything with my life! I barely see people, I've pissed every single person I know off. Which is a great one for me. Really. f***ing great. Well done Elsie, you have pissed everyone you know off. That's a good one, even for you. And what's even better is that I barely remember how, and I was enjoying it at the time. I enjoy f***ing my life to pieces when I'm manic. It gives me a sense of exhileration, power. I feel powerful, controlling people at times. I'm on top of the world, I can do anything, and to f**k with the consequences. I mean, honestly, who gives a f**k when they're manic? no-one that's who. I once read a book where there was a drug that gave you the worlds best high (Similar to mania) but that would kill you after a week. You don't have to worry about the consequences of your actions because you won't be there to deal with them.

Meanwhile, we are. But we don't care. Manic, we don't care. And we always have to watch out for enough manic episode, whilst half-wishing another would come because it felt so good being powerful and anythings better than feeling so sh***y you want to stick your head in the oven but can't because you can't even move and get out of bed that morning. Which is how it has been today. I have done the grand total of...nothing. Except sitting in bed. On the Internet. And playing SWTOR. Which is a great way to spend my life, I suppose, but that's how I feel. f**k, I don't have the energy to get better. That's gonna be the problem.

And I f***ing hate my meds. I hate the side effects. And of course, I actually forget to take them when I'm depressed, due to this lovely "I don't give a f**k" mindset I get into. I also forget to eat. So now I have the doctors asking if I do in fact, have an eating disorder, whilst seeing all this Thin Privilige BS over Tumblr that my following keep reblogging onto my dash. (http://thisisthinprivilege.tumblr.com/). Or white privilige. God, I'm a skinny, probably underweight even, white British eighteen year old and so of course, my life is totally free of all problems. They're apparently trivial compared to the problems that I assure you, 80% of the population deal with, and that these people seem to want to make into a big argument whilst pointing fingers at the starving kids in Africa and screaming "Thin Privilige" whilst eating a doughnut.

Ugh. I hate being Bipolar.

And every time I see someone who has no clue what it is and portrays it as a creative gift...I'm seriously just like "f**k you."

I've p***ed off a lot of people too, on Facebook. I've lost a lot of friends because of it. Mostly that's me blocking them so they don't trigger me but they were not all just people I met online. Now I don't think I deserve to be around people.

You're right about when manic p***ing people off feels great. I'm depressed again too but my thoughts are racing too much to think ' I don't give a f***.'

The only thing I'm paranoid about is my family. Now they think I'm crazy and need treatment ASAP. But I still don't think things will change. They never do. I think my sister is manipulating other family members into thinking I'm crazy. I mean, she's got mental health issues too. I just tell her to stop telling me what to do and this happens. I'm really scared of her now and I don't want to live here, or at all. I felt like cutting for literally the first time ever because I can't deal with these emotions. PMS is making me so much worse. Even though my sister hasn't talked to me much since yesterday I still feel like she's trying to control me.

I need to book another appoint with my psychiatrist and I feel like I need to see him. I should just turn up disheveled and wearing week long unwashed clothes and be stuttering and stammering like I have lately, and maybe he'll see that I need immediate treatment.

I feel the best thing to do when like this, is avoid people. It's really hard to do but eventually you lose interest in places like Facebook and Tumblr. I wish my new Skylanders would arrive in the mail so I can continue playing it.

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Otherside
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30 Oct 2013, 6:22 pm

pensieve wrote:

Otherside wrote:

Don't worry about it. I generally ignore long posts as well when I'm in a bad episode. I know it's nothing personally.

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31 Oct 2013, 7:49 pm

So I think my sister isn't as rapid cycling as I once thought, or maybe the regular amount of rapid cycling compared to me. She's been in a really up mood (mixed with some agitation if you say 'no' to her) for about a month. She's going out a lot and drinking and doing who else knows what. It's no surprise she thinks it's weird that I don't want to be as social. I can't imagine what it must like to be manic for over months. Her crash is going to be so hard. Maybe she'll stop telling me that everyone gets depressed then.

What's really hard is not take anything she says to heart.

This is the same person who wants to me to get help for my mental health issues. I'll feel bad if I get the help and my sister still has to remain the same way. I'm almost 30 and she's almost 40 and bipolar is causing such an interference in our lives that we can't work, we self-medicate - she does it more with harder things) and we have inter personal relationship problems with the people we know.

I know I have mental health problems but it's kind of funny to me the only reason my sister thinks I require immediate help is because I said 'no' to her. It seems if you're not complacent you're mentally ill. Or the fact I'm not wanting to socialise means my problems are worse than hers.

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Otherside
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01 Nov 2013, 4:06 am

pensieve wrote:

If she's manic, then she can't see that, and probably thinks theres nothing wrong with her at all. Sadly, if it's really full blown mania, she'll probably end up in hospital one day. But unless she becomes either a risk to herself or a risk to others and has to be involuntarily committed, there's nothing you can do to force her to get help, other than encourage her. And that's not an easy thing to do when somebody is manic, or even hypomanic. A lot of people with bipolar are misdiagnosed with depression. Very few people are going to go to a doctor and inform them that they're feeling great and creative.

Bipolar does run in families. A lot of us who are diagnosed can think of at least one person in there family who also had the bipolar diagnosis, or who seemed an undiagnosed bipolar.

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01 Nov 2013, 4:51 am

Otherside wrote:

Very few people are going to go to a doctor and inform them that they're feeling great and creative.

Unless they're rapid cycling, then the great creative moods don't last long.

She did a few months back say she was going to get help but didn't want to go on medication. Then, predictably, she didn't go for any help at all. When mania returned she did what I've done many times, just feel like she didn't really need help at all and not even bother with even trying. I think she's more hypomanic but I drinks a lot of alcohol especially red wine and smokes pot and that can make mania worse. I can't touch pot because of the psychosis I get and red wine sets off mania and then makes me mixed and it's horrible enough to be very reluctant to have one glass of red.

I forgot to call my psyche so I'm going to have to do that on Monday. I think I'll just get a referral to see a psyche closer to where I live and get a proper assessment on bipolar and try another ADHD med. My current psyche will just not medicate me. I don't really want to go through more side effects and lose the creativity but I wonder if meds can make my moods stable enough to work a normal job. I would like to talk to people with resisting that urge to blow up in their faces, or even needing to do that at all.

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Otherside
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01 Nov 2013, 3:38 pm

pensieve wrote:

Otherside wrote:

Very few people are going to go to a doctor and inform them that they're feeling great and creative.

I have that problem with my meds too. I do not want to loose the creativity of hypomania. And I hate the side effects. But you can try, and you can see if they help or not, and when you've been on them for a while, you can decide whether or not you believe they are working, and whether or not the side effects are worth being on them. And there are some people who don't take them who have bipolar and claim that they can control it by monitoring sleep, monitoring what they eat, and keeping some sort of routine. I've even heard something about fish oil apparently having some kind of affect. I don't know how true that is. As with any illness, there's always people that will inform you that they suddenly have the miracle cure, the same way there's people who will try and inform parents that they have a cure to there childs autism.

I don't know how much you'll be able to help your sister whilst you're unwell at the moment. As hard as it may be, you may need to focus on yourself for a while, and get well yourself. And perphaps then , you will be able to help her.

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02 Nov 2013, 10:36 pm

I feel really weird. First, after days of having a low depressed mood ('what's the point in doing anything'? yet still able to function) the severe depression hit. Then I was hypomanic, then very argumentative, where everyone is fair game for an argument. I didn't quite get to 'oh f*** every person in this world' mood. But as I was arguing which I thought was not for the mere sake of it, I was trying to get people to see another point of view, but then I started to empathise with them. And now it's like I'm emapthising with every person I can think of, and it's really painful. Maybe I feel bad about arguing or bad about all the times I misunderstood them, and maybe I'm not completely over depression.

And I'm pretty hormonal too.

Earlier I did feel really mixed. My head was racing with thoughts then stopped, then started up again. I haven't felt paranoid yet. I'm going to find myself a plank of wood to knock on.

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03 Nov 2013, 3:02 am

It's been crazy today. I've been highly empathic, not empathic enough, hypomanic, ranty ranty ranty, anxious, depressed, switching back and forth etc.

I've probably unknowingly offended a lot of people and overreacted to some others.

I can't remember half the things I've done today.

Umm...I'm booking another appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

Oh, btw, I'm laughing at everything now...again.

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03 Nov 2013, 4:28 pm

The anger I have toward so many people hurts my head.

It's pointless to explain myself to people. They will never care.

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03 Nov 2013, 6:22 pm

I keep forgetting to fill in my mood chart. So I've ended up with a whole load of dotted lines where I forgot to fill it in. I suppose I was extremly depressed during that time. And that was the longest depressive episode I have ever had.

How do you guys keep track of your moods? I got given a True Colors log in by the NHS and it asks a load of questions about how my mood has been, and then makes a graph that looks like this:

[img][800:770]http://imageupload.co.uk/images/2013/11/03/tcolors.png[/img]

The only problem with is it that the depression questions ask me about early waking and restlessness. Which are my symptoms of hypomania. So I happen to score highly on those and so the graph shows me as being depressed when manic.

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