Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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Thanks for that Jakki. It was a nice little insight

Very Welcome,, it was just a random thought string, i might share ?

My shrink has offered something in the way of mediation for me and my dad but after I've thought about it I don't think I'll take him up on it

Demystifying stuff for myself.

The images of professionalism and stability -- how did they do it?
The seemingly smooth sailing and low rates of error -- how did they do it?
Lives that suddenly turned around for the better -- how did they do it?
The seemingly overwhelming odds and won over it -- how did they do it?


And other more processes and behind the scene of many things... 'How did they do it?'

Was it actually overwhelming and harder than it looked?
Was it actually easier and the common anxieties were just unfounded?

Was it the norm?
And if it's not, what makes certain people so different?

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Hmmm...

I had a momentary confidence; that lasts for about an hour. Ideas, flooding in; wanting to volunteer, wanting to explore, wanting to learn! More, more, more!! ! Speak up! Tell what is in my mind! Assert ideas!

Then... It dwindled into uncertainty. Somewhat subtle worry, plenty of doubt, stepping down, not wanting to be known... It's like something shut off. Backing off. Pedaling back... Going pessimistic in ways not very natural...


I wonder... What is this ?

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Often found some psyche conditions to be directly related to nourishment in differ3nt areas of the digestive track..
But those issue do not resolve quickly .. and making dietary changes stick for anyone ..practice,practice practice.
Then you go threw withdrawels from the stuff in the foods that you were consuming for Sooo long.. And then , one day occassionally you might start feeling differently , maybe even more clear headed.. But then you feel okay enough, to go back to your old diet.. and it starts all over again , unless you can stick to it and.,it becomes more regular .to feel better.
But then you add your normal blood sugar ups and downs . And figure things are not doing well , and you keep it up.
And hope the better feeling stays .... And you might add food supplements and you hope / or get more traction on those feeling healthier days .. Maybe even taking walks ,that keep your circulation going . Hopefully one day , some cobwebs clear away, and , possibly get that better point if veiw of Life, sense of direction .?
But this is all just an idealistic veiw of life .. occassionally better health can give better mental health outlooks .?

When I recall my old online life...
I was very anxious.

And that anxiety was channeled into keeping peace and knowing people.
To do a lot of social initiatives and at risk of becoming nosy and paranoid of what others may think...

And that was over a decade ago.
I was young.

Am I ready to do it again?
Finally grow from there? Grow a metamorphic branch? Evolve a piece of me that was forcedly left behind in cyberspace?

I dreamed of bringing that piece of me IRL, even if it costs me the feeling of safety in apathy and being in the present.

In which will make me closer to being a more idealized version of my autistic self, just more conscientious, more intentional...
And with something at stake, with something to fight for.

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I don't have a problem with confidence.
Confidence is easy for me -- all the failing and hate be damned, I'll do it. I'm not afraid of making a huge fool of myself in a crowd.

No -- I have actual language and communication issue.
I have issues with competence related to my own expressive and receptive language. Doesn't necessarily mean socialization; because there are components that are outside the verbal realm that I excel and had to compensate from that.

What is frustrating was to confuse said people I interact when my intent was to deliver a message or ask a query.
It's one thing to perceive the whole thing and pass it as a joke to laugh at, it's another to having to repeat myself and others, not being a reliable source of information and make undoable mistakes for 'mishearing' or 'misspeaking'.

It's one thing to be "confident", but to commit consistent human error is another and 'not being able to learn' from that.


So no; I don't need a cure to anxiety or acting class.
I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me 'go out there and practice'.
If I have to outdo an extrovert to make a point, so be it -- but that won't fix this particular issue.

I don't need fricking 'confidence'.
What I need is a speech language pathologist and speech therapy to fix whatever this unnatural feeling of verbal processing does to me for the longest time instead; this issue isn't merely in my head, not born from being held back from worry or lack of practice or whatever mental blocks.

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Must say Edna, from an outside observation point of veiw .. you seriously appear to have a clear grasp of the facts of any drawbacks you may have in socialization skills .. and worded quite well !

The chemically hormonally induced distinguished barrier and an actual distance between me and my conscious, from my overacting inner child and it's overpowering emotions...

... Is so, so sweet.
This also means...

I can now have the space to think, choose to react and communicate about emotions and feelings like an adult.

Than be overwhelmed fighting how I react , with how the inner child clings, possess, overly control and infects over my being.
Dictating my actions, actions that translates into behaviors that an inner child has -- unfitting to someone my age and experience.

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So I tried melatonin.

Before, it's basically ineffective.
It just makes me tired in a jet lag sense but not sleepy. It doesn't calm down my thoughts, it just makes my body heavy.

Now, it's way too much for me now. I may need a lower dosage.
And my arms are a bit heavy...

Hmmm...
Curious. This heavy arm symptom had been my problem for years every time I wake up before taking BCs.



This might be a clue as to how or why I had sleep issues for most of my life.
Something about how I process melatonin...
Among other things outside the state of sleepiness and sleeplessness...

Clearly, I no longer have issues with adenosine if caffeine suddenly does what it supposed to do with me, along with a gradual stable sleep schedule...

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Today I overcame my possibly 20 year old long maladaptive daydreaming.

My thoughts are even more different now.
It's full of repeated music instead of creating to a layer of thought that is full of stories.

It was hiding my issues towards family.
It was perpetuated by entertainment and continuous consumption of such.

It's like... I dunno, 10+ or so tabs in my head was finally closed.

Now I couldn't sleep. I went really emotional when I confronted the source of why I'm doing it. And going emotional is supposed to exhaust me.

It's 2AM now. I can still feel my head. Something changed, somewhere at my left side of my head.
Maybe because, the part where words felt a bit painful due to the addiction finally went quiet.

And it felt... I dunno, another layer of directionlessness. Since it's a long time habit, and then now it's gone...

Yeah it's an opportunity to replace it.
Obviously there are a lot of things I like to replace it with.

I feel a bit eager but...
The timing was funny -- I'm supposed to be asleep and had to go to an office whole day 6 hrs from now.

And it's somehow ironic now that my head is emptier, I struggle to sleep with random music on repeat.

Well, at least I sort of know what to do if I refuse to sleep and I had to adjust due to some appointment...
I might be meditating all night long at most instead.

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... Maybe melatonin shouldn't be something I'd take for sleep. It's not effective for me as a sleeping aide.

It screwed my sleeping pattern despite taking at the right time.

Maybe, instead, it'll be a therapeutic tool for me to reach something deeper within...

But less of a regular thing, and more of something drastic. Maybe I'll limit my melatonin intake to up to twice a month, at least 2 weeks apart.


I don't know if trying melatonin and then ending my maladaptive daydreaming that led me to numerous sudden changes hrs later is a coincidence or not...



Speaking of sleep...
... Maybe I'll limit my caffeine, too. Up to 2 cups a week. I may take one cup of coffee at Saturday mornings since I'd likely need it.
And then the other cup worth of the week is optional; could be a cup or a can of random coca-cola on an outing any day within a week...

I don't want to deal with dependence, tolerance and withdrawal symptoms.

I mean, I already know how to live without caffeine for years, even much so lived only with side effects and no benefits. I'd know what will happen when I cut if off from years of regular intake.

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