Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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well I don't have depression on the anxiety side I don't think any one said enjoy it , don't fight it works for me

Guess what just happened.

I crashed. Feel like absolute s**t right now.

Six days hypomanic. Now depressed. Again.

You beat my usual 4 days.

Today I just feel crazy. Cranky, paranoid, impatient, hateful, sad/depressed/crying, unmotivated, anxious and all of the other good states of mind one can think of.

Been prescribed Sodium Valproate (Epilim/depakote). I've gotta see the psych guy in another two weeks to see how that's working. I think he wants to put the dosage up.

It also seems to have the weight gain side effect. I know...mood stability over weight, but still.

Mania is getting in the way with me writing a rational minded blog post. It's the first time I've noticed it and even stopped myself from going on. Then I sort of ranted at my ex-boyfriend. Then I started playing video games but they were uninteresting. Now I think the world is too boring and dull for me.

I feel like I need excitement, like letting off fireworks inside the house. Good thing we don't have any fireworks nor can I just go out and purchase them.

So I finally saw a doctor. The psychiatrist doesn't speak good English, so he sent me to his English-speaking psychologist for an hour. I explained what happened, my general history of depression with bouts of higher anxiety, and how I was paranoid, didn't hardly sleep, couldn't focus, sex drive out of control, bouts of euphoria, the whole nine yards.

Her response was to say that if I was bipolar, it would happen more often (according to her, if you only get mania once a year you CAN'T be bipolar) and the fact that I was able to get 2-3 hours of sleep a night was proof that it wasn't mania. She said that I "shouldn't worry about it" and "these things can just happen sometimes." When I asked her what I should do if it happens again, she suggested I handle it the same way I did this time - just do my best and "try not to worry" and it will fix itself eventually. She pointed out that if it doesn't happen very often, it probably won't happen again for a long time, so I shouldn't care right now.

When she asked about my plans for the future and my response was essentially that things are going great now, so I'm going to keep going on my current path until something happens to change it, and she gave me one of those "a-ha" faces that said she had found my problem. She said I'm unable to plan for the future, and therefore I have self-inflicted anxiety about the future, and that was probably what caused my period of what appeared to be mania. (Nevermind the fact that the whole reason I was in that f*****g office was to try to plan for if this happened again, so I can know what to do and be able to stop it.)

I'm so furious right now I feel like crying. Sitting in that office with her looking at me like "you're worried about nothing, there's nothing wrong with you, trust me, I know your own mind better than you do even though I just met you, because I have a degree," it was exactly the same as all those years of therapy when I was a kid. Not once did they ever take me seriously. Not once did they ever suggest I might be autistic. I had to find that out as an adult. Now I'm having another problem, a very serious problem that could put my own life or the lives of those around me in danger if it happens again, and it's being dismissed with a wave of the hand, just like always.

I don't know what the f**k to do. I'm spending all this money on these sessions, but they're not doing a f*****g thing to help me. No medication. They won't even admit the possibility that I might have a problem. Just "try not to worry about it, you're probably fine. That'll be 800 kc."

I suppose I should start looking for a better doctor, but finding an English-speaking doctor in this country is hard enough, let alone one I can afford. I'm ready to give up hope. I can feel the depression period starting, so that will be fun. No, no, doctors. Don't worry about me. I'm still alive, therefore there's no reason whatsoever to give a s**t that I'm suffering or to worry that I might not be able to control it so well next time.

I'm going to go cry for a while now.

^
I'm sorry to hear that. I sometimes really hate psychologists and psychiatrists. I can't understand how they think it's not bipolar if mania happens once a year when people are often told it's not bipolar if they have too many cycles a year, like me. I had 3-5 hours of mania yesterday, then depression and now I'm mixed.
I see my psychiatrist next week and I still don't know if I want to go on medication. I'm kind of over mania that gets in the way of me seeing the world as it really is. I just think up too much weird sh** and anxiety is almost the norm for me now.

Last night I got paranoid over the front door being opened and a hammer being left on the front table. I moved the table into another room and then closed my bedroom door. It's very tricky to open. Then of course my cat had to complain so I told her if I was murdered in the middle of the night it's her fault. The reason why I left the door open was because people were coming and going.
I was still awake at 3am so that probably why I'm mixed today. It's like the depression is continuing but there's some mania from the lack of sleep.

I know Wikipedia is not perfect, but it suffices for a quick look at the accepted definition of something. From the article on bipolar disorder:

One or more. In life. As in, no requirement that you get them frequently.



That's exactly what I experienced. Note the part I bolded about sleep. Nowhere does it say that manic people can never sleep. Also:



I told the psychologist that for two days before it started, I couldn't sleep. Her response was "AHA! That's what caused this to happen." I gave her a "saywhatnow" face, and she said that I was feeling anxiety at not being able to sleep, and that's what caused my other symptoms. I said "You're saying that anxiety over not being able to sleep caused 2.5 weeks of intense paranoia, including the apparently superhuman ability to remain awake and wired despite drinking loads of alcohol, sedative tea, and taking prescription tranquilizers, all together? She smiled and said "Isn't that amazing?"

She then said that rather than worry about what to do if/when it happens again, we should find a way to prevent it from happening. Another "saywhatnow" look from me - I clearly explained that nothing happened in my life to trigger this. It was a normal, routine week, no unusual stresses. I wasn't even hormonal. She then pointed to the sleep thing and said next time I can't sleep, I should just embrace it, jump out of bed, say "who cares if I sleep or not!" and "roll with it." Then she said I should try to make a habit of finding time for myself every day. I informed her that I already do that, that I am very strict with giving myself at least 3-4 hours every day of relaxed me time, which usually means just being home with my cat, reading or watching a film. Her response was "Great! So you should be fine then!"

But I was doing all this THE LAST f*****g TIME IT HAPPENED. Clearly this is NOT helpful advice. It is not "nothing to worry about" when a person with a normal, low-stress life goes from being calm and happy to intensely paranoid/euphoric overnight. Especially when said person has a history of severe bouts of depression. This is the time to WORRY.

By the way, this woman was in her early 20s. At least 5 years younger than me. Oh the joy at being patronized by someone who looks like she still lives with her mommy and daddy.

They scheduled an appointment for me to go back next week to make a decision with the psychiatrist about what "treatment" I need. I'm just going to cancel it. They're obviously not going to do anything. My co-worker has anxiety issues as well and says she has a good doctor, so she will try to find out if her doctor speaks English. Fingers crossed.

I usually get that little sleep. Once I was up for a full 24 hours but the copious amount of Ritalin may have had something to do with that. It was only 25mg but it made the most manic I have ever been, if front of a musician that I fancied and was manic enough to think he fancied me too.

You showed great restraint not to slap that doctor. The young ones do act like they know more than you, so do the old ones too.

I don't even know what's going to happen next week when I see my doctor again. All I know is I need some help before I turn to a life of self-medication. Fortunately, the epilepsy or whatever makes me feel like passing out after only a few drinks and has scared me away from taking drugs.

Good luck. This psychologist actually told me that I should just self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, and tranquilizers. She said it obviously was enough to get me through it this time, so I should just stick with that and (what are the magic words?) "try not to worry about it."

Great advice, doc.

Report her. There's got to be some way of doing that. Not only has she just advocated something which can make bipolar (if it is bipolar) worse in the long run, she's also given advise which encourages you to do something illegal.

Not illegal in this country. And who would I report her to? I live in the Czech Republic. Psych industry is not exactly heavily regulated here.

The good news is, my co-worker with similar problems managed to get me an appointment with her doctor for tomorrow evening. He speaks good English and she said she went to a lot of different doctors before finally choosing this one, because he's really good. She recommended that I be completely up front and open about everything - for example, do tell him about my AS, and feel free to point out that I'm concerned that non-AS symptoms will be mistakenly attributed to AS. She's confident that he will take me seriously and consider everything I have to say before making a decision. So... Wish me luck, I guess.

I'll try to forget what happened yesterday. Thinking about it makes me really upset, and I need to try to let it go.

Day three of taking depakote/sodium valproate, and I'm feeling sick. Constantly. all the time. I haven't been sick. I just feel like I'm going to be. Only side effect I've noticed so far though, no other horrid ones.

Weird thought today, after that hypomanic episode I had, I'm almost scared that these drugs will work. It's like I'm halfheartedly taking them, because I want another episode like the one I had. I want to feel powerful again.

Good luck Kotshka. I hope you finally get a doctor that will listen to you.

I know those powerful feelings of hypomania only too well, but now I just want to avoid getting to that very weird state of mind. Basically, it happens when I read a particularly interesting book. I start to introduce it into my writings, like I started to talk about personalities 1 and 2 in Jungian theory which completed derailed the way in which I was writing my blog post.

My current problems I can't even articulate. I'm in between two views of mind which has something to do with my own mental health treatment and I don't know which one to decide on. But at least I don't feel as crazy as I did yesterday, although at about 4am I woke up in sweat after having a nightmare the man I have a crush on was murdering me. Not actually sure what to think about that.

Ohh...I feel the power now. This gosh darn rapid cycling, two days ago I must have been a bit hypomanic, then I settled, got deeply depressed, settled, had some weird thoughts that might have been delusions, now mania is back. Wasn't I tired before? I was really tired yesterday. I'm hot and hungry and really want to do something.

Wow. For the first time in my life, I saw a psychiatrist who actually listened to me, didn't dismiss anything I said, took me seriously, and seemed genuinely interested in helping me. My friend was right about this guy. He listened carefully, asked a few questions, asked me to clarify a few details, asked a few further questions that seemed unrelated but which I answered honestly, then told me it sounds like a pretty clear-cut case of bipolar disorder. He said it was entirely up to me if I wanted to try medication or not, but he recommends it as a preventative measure, since my manic episode sounded quite severe.

I asked him about medication and to my surprise, he said he considers lithium to be a very outdated way of treating bipolar disorder. Instead, he gives his patients antidepressants, which he says level most people out so these extremes don't happen anymore. I had a bad experience with an SSRI years ago, so he started me with a box of Venlafaxinum (brand name Olwexya, no idea what the name of it is in English). He said I should start taking it tomorrow. He also said I must absolutely not drink alcohol with this medication.

So now I'm torn. At the moment, I feel fine. Actually, I've been feeling good most of the week. Normal ups and downs, nothing problematic. And I'm not a heavy drinker, but I do really love having a beer with my friends, or a cup of hot spiced wine in the winter cold, or a glass of properly prepared absinthe on the weekend before I settle in to write or draw or paint. Once I start taking these pills, no more drinking. And that would be a fair trade if I felt like I really needed medication, but right now I don't. It would only be a preventative measure.

I think I won't start taking them tomorrow, anyway. I'll give myself the weekend - there's a Christmas party and a few other things I want to be able to drink at. I'll think it over and make my decision...