tunombre wrote:
Before getting to my current mental state, i would like to give an overview of recent years to highlight experiences that may have influenced my mind.
To start, I was raised in North Carolina. I Came from a humble home of simple country folk. In my preteen years, i began to realize that my father was mentally "halted" in some way that severely affected his ability to communicate. He slurs mostly. He has trouble getting across ideas in the way that he has intended. He has never been diagnosed wiwth any sort of mental condition, but it is painfully obvious to my family and friends.
Growing up, i had held confidence in the fact that i did not inherit these traits. I was pretty bright for the most part. Math being my strong subject. I never held a good understanding of the abstract, or the indefinite( such as philosophy etc). I made 1760 on my SAT, which instilled confidence of my mental abilities.
Approximately four years ago, i was intrduced to the wonder of cannibis, psychedelics, and hallucinogens. I was a constant toker, and routine "psychonaut". It always seemed like the best idea during the moment and it totally numbed my sense of socialization. During this "blur", I received certain punishment by law. Being placed pn probation for 12 months. It was mandatory for me to stop doing what i was doing. After being reintroduced to true sobriety, i have had a lot of realizations:
-Realizing that the people i thought were my friends, were actually keeping me around for a laugh, for my clumsiness and to basically ridicule me behind my back. I never really contributed anything to the group, except for drugs. ( i also believe they used code to communicate with each other in which i would not catch so they could say something while i was right there)
-Realizing that i haved trouble getting my ideas across as i see them. ( using oversimplistic terms mostly)
-Realizing that i became a compulsive liar due to the fact that i could never contribute to conversation.
- Realizing that I cannot handle big responsibilities. Almost childlike.
-Having no sense of moderation when it comes to drugs/alcohol/WoW etc.
-Having trouble focusing my attention for more than 15 minutes.
Now having realized all of these things, i cannot prevent them. It is habitual at this point, and no matter how hard i try I cannot act differently.
Any professional that i have met only saw the top of everything, which was drug use. I was never looked into any more deeply. I have been sober for 6months now and all of these apparent "symptoms" have not diminished whatsoever.
I would appreciate anyones views/opinions on me. Be as critical as possible.
And please do not be judgmental of my drug use, mainly due to the fact that i have never had a solid sense of right and wrong.
05 Jun 2011, 1:57 am
