I really don't understand myself...

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I mean I have autism... I was diagnosed when I was nine years old. I have the massive sensory issues, the strict routine, lack of social skills and repetitive behaviors to prove it.

But that's beside the point. In my previous thread, I had asked about possible mental retardation but seems it was out of the question for that. The thing is that I look functionally capable of doing things I should be doing... yet I can't seem to do any of them because its like my mind locks up on me. I can't speak to anyone because its like I have no voice and all I have is the ability to write what is on my mind.

I can't get a job because I can't handle doing more than one thing at once. I am prone to having massive panic attacks under even the least bit of stress. I am forgetful, I am disorganized... my mind wanders constantly and even in college if it was so hard for me to do my work because my mind just couldn't concentrate on anything. I couldn't have music or headphones to help this either.

I was diagnosed with having ADHD and a learning disability when I was in second grade. I take concerta every morning to help with this and it does help but it just never did me any good in school. I was emotionally abused by my students and teaches in elementary and I think its caused me psychological harm... because everything from elementary school I was supposed to learn, is all a blank. I can function normally but its like things I learned in school... its all erased.

I didn't start talking until I was four and even then I had trouble with speech. I had trouble with math so much that even now I still have trouble with it. I can only do basic addition and multiplication... anything else is just a big huge blank. I can't go into hospitals or dentists offices without wanting to run away and escaping to the safety of the car or at home and never seeing them. I never brushed my teeth and my teeht are bad. It was hard because my parents told me every day to brush but I just couldn't because my mind would go blank and I'd be so absorbed into something I never even did it.

I'm not sure what my diagnosis is for autism after all this either. I've only been told its mild but with all of these mental, emotional and developmental challenges I face everyday, I wonder if its something more. If there is something that sums it all up as just full blown autism or if its autism with other things along side of it. I'm so confused. No one tells me what type of autism I have. My psychiatrist doesn't even know either. Our insurance that I currently have, doesn't cover the tests needed to get a new diagnosis for my autism or other challenges. Plus with my age, they won't even get me the help I need without denying it two or three times and my parents giving up on it.

It's hard because no one wants to help me... my parents try so hard to understand but even then its hard for them. It's hard for me and the ones around me. I have the greatest friends and a boyfriend in the world but I still feel like no one understands me that no one can ever help me realize what is going on...

I mean its not all anxiety related either. It's more than just the anxiety side of things. It's like my mind is against me and I can't do anything to make it do what it has to be doing.

You sound very much like me - I've also been diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD. These issues you describe are symptoms of these two conditions (I've personally experienced almost everything you've described here, except I went on ritalin at an older age and it was more effective for me), perhaps with a little more severity than what some people experience, but there's nothing mysterious here as far as I can tell.

I'd probably say, due to the language difficulties, you'd be HFA (high functioning autism) as opposed to Asperger's though. It's possible you may also be suffering from an anxiety disorder, but the main issues you describe here are HFA and ADHD symptoms.

So you think its still possible I could have Asperger Syndrome? I mean I asked my psychiatrist and he said that he doesn't think so because of my speech problems when I was really young. Problem is, I don't express my emotions or meltdown every single day but I do have meltdowns... its usually when strangers or NTs fail to understand what I'm going through and don't see my issues.

If you've ever seen Temple Grandin, my parents tell me my autism is very much like what hers is.

I don't understand myself either. I just seem to be someone separate from the rest of the world, and I have no idea why it is I, who became this way. I wish something would adequately explain it away, but sometimes more answers lead to more questions. I'm not really sure what's "wrong". It's just there, somewhere in the deepest corner of my mind. I can feel it, but no one else really seems to have an answer or seems to understand what "it" is.

Just be glad you have people who care for you, for even if they don't understand it, them making themselves available to you is a massive plus. I wish I had that too, but I don't. But to answer your question as to what's going on. Well I wish I knew myself.

I take klonopin for anxiety but its not so bad that it happens at home... its usually when I'm in public or whatever that it acts up and I tend to get really nervous. I mean its not bad as it as been but still there are times when I will cling to my dad or my father and they always have to answer things for me because I just can't.

But that's the thing, I can't really get a good psychologist. I can't get anything because everyone around here in Arizona always says you have to be at a certian age. No one ever even considered the nature of something like what I have that could be really wrong.

Basically, you are justified in feeling you have severe difficulties. Perhaps you could suggest to your parents that they read up more on the life problems people with Autism/ADHD/Anxiety disorders experience, so they could get a more realistic grasp on the problems you're facing.

Well yeah I know... but see the problem with them is that most people see my as normal, an NT or not having problems at all. I look like a normally functioning person. I mean you do have a point and all its just, I want to know if something else is there that I'm not seeing. It makes it hard to get the things that I could really benefit from. I can't even see a pediatric dentist anymore because of my age and yet that's the only dentist I am comfortable with. For hospitals, its the same thing. It's because older adult doctors scare me more.

I feel like a child inside of the body of a 22 year old woman. It's like, inside of my mind I feel like I should be an eight year old girl and not 22 years old. People always wonder why its so hard for me to have a job. I don't even fit the diagnosis of mental retardation because my IQ is well between 75 and 80. It's hard because I want to be treated like a child because its easier for me to be more comfortable but everyone always says, "I'm sorry but you are 22 years old and we can't help you." and its like, "Well how do you think I feel living in a lie? Feeling like I'm not 22 and that I'm really 8 years old but yet my birth certificate only lies saying that I am 22?" It's just that hard.

I mean I am officially 22 years old but yet I don't feel that way. I feel like if I really could, I would lie to a person and say I am around eight because that's how well it fits me. But no one would believe it. That's the kind of ting that makes it hard. I want to be able to know if its just something psychological or if its something that is actually a disorder that can get me more comfort from seeing at least a pediatric dentist for my needs. I am scared to death of something happening, I get in a car crash or severely ill and they send me to a regular hospital. I hate them so much that I've actually walked right of a hospital with my mom behind me because I was that frightened and scared.

It's like they don't understand my needs. If I tell them about my autism, they act like I am some ret*d and if I don't tell them, I'm nearly in tears because I'm scared they are going to have to give me needles or an IV or something. I can't handle that sort of thing and I just walk right out. I've had many problems of a common person, sicknesses, injuries, even something happening to my foot that I was concerned over but never saw a doctor... and my foot turned out fine. But these things, I can't go to the hospital for because its that bad.

I just hate how people can't think of making an exception because where my mental age level is such a big impact anxiety and developmental wise that I really need to be in more comfort under a pediatric or children's hospital sort of care. I mean I know they would be the same as regular ones but at least at a children's hospital I know I have more comfort and safety without having to worry that they will have to do something I won't enjoy.

I even worry about having to stay a few days at a hospital where I couldn't have my computer, my blanket, my Axel plushie, my scarfy, pillows, I mean I have so many of my things I need to be safe that they would never even allow any of that as me being an adult. Nor would they even consider my mom staying in my room with me all the time too. She has to be with me because of those disabilities that impact my life but most of the time they won't do that. I've seen how hospitals run and I don't like it one bit.

I understand myself. It is other people that I do not understand.