Total meltdown... the worst ever

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It's been a really rough couple of weeks... my anxiety level is through the roof and every waking moment is like torture.... it's all OCPD. Every thing I do feels "wrong." I realize how much of my life I've wasted trying to do stuff the "right" way and starting over and over again... like if I play a video game and I forget which order I did things in it drives me nuts! So I'm virtually paralyzed in terms of leisure... because I apply this perfectionism to EVERYTHING...

My brain is just seething, seething all the time... and I don't get sleepy or tired ever... I drink to get the groggy feeling I never do naturally, and the only thing I look forward to is that period of time right before I pass out and think of times long past.... but I've already developed a noticeable tolerance to the alcohol... I'm turning 30 in a couple weeks and am increasingly aware of my own mortality which is going to burn out very quickly if I don't get this sleep problem under control... there's so much I want to do and see but so little time in this life...

I don't have issues with compulsive behavior, just obsessive thoughts. But I have always been this way and no medication has ever helped me... stuff just feels WRONG, period... it's psychological torture!! !! !! !! !! !

It's so sad... I want my life back

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I do want to add, that I'm fighting this the best I can. I'm working and doing stuff. Just not enjoying it.

Well, I don't know how much you want to hear this from me but, happy 29th birthday.

Hope you feel better.

I'm feeling pretty bad right but that's because everything is happening at once. Too many things going on at the same time, I study Fine Arts and I major in Printmaking which is really unfortunate because the printmakers have the most work! 7 different projects due in less than three weeks, projects like 2000 word essays sigh. Plus I'm unemployed and living in a bad home enviroment. As result my brain is stuffed up, too blocked up to even think up drawings/prints. I'm really stressed but I think it's important to be grounded in some way or another, uni is my rock right now and it's keeping me together. You've just got to have a stable thing in your life, I'd say talk to someone about it

Good! It's probably for the best not to isolate yourself.



Be very very careful, especially if you're already using it to cope with life.

I don't have OCD, and I don't know how to help with that bit, but I do the video-game thing too. I spend hours choosing the damn name, and if I fail to get an achievement, I start again... it's so stupid; I've yet to finish loads of games I actually enjoy because I get bogged down on things that are irrelevant to the game- I end up ruining the fun because it's hard to immerse yourself in an RPG story when you know the plot off by heart.

What helps (a bit) is seeing them not as 'failures' but as adding more 'realism' i.e in reality, you couldn't tick all the boxes either... or the alternative is replaying the game so much you get fed up.

Also, try different games; ones that are short and quick and don't have 'hidden' quests that are easy to miss...

Fact: I'm going to be 30. Fact: There's just not enough time in life to do everything I want to do-- drive all the roads I want to drive on, try all the food I want to try, read all the books I want to read.

I have always been a realist and a cynic, and I think too much.

I have held a fear of growing old and now it is really getting to me. It's not an irrational fear-- it WILL happen. It already is. My parents are in their 60s! I remember when they turned 40.

I try to think, just do as much I can while I'm still here. But doing things, anything, is difficult because the OCPD gets in the way.

On top of all this, there's the issue that my health is going to decline rapidly because of my sleep issues.

I give my prognosis as poor. It's day-by-day...

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I understand how you feel in ways you describe you sound like me and i am a perfectionist and if i feel i can't accomplish something i won't attempt it, (i don't know if you do this too). i also think the days fly by and there is no time, and if i don't feel productive it get's me down. With food i think part of why i eat alot is i think i have only so much time to try all these foods and i don't want to miss out on it. I tried diets and i look at new foods out on the market and think why do i have to miss out on these and i wonder what they taste like, and i can't just have one of something i eat alot when i eat. Anyway i think i could relate to you in some ways just want you to know that you aren't alone. I don't have sleep problems but i am scared of getting older and i am almost 30 and don't want to be in my 30's it starts scaring me for some reason so i try to distract my thoughts but it isn't easy.

I hear the perfection thing. one thing that helps is grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, how i think, the courage to accept the things i can change, how i react to it in my head, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Once you did the action of screwing up the order you can't go back in time and change it, and also does the screwed up order really hurt the overall game that much? I always ask myself "will it matter in a year". In the game you can ask yourself "will that matter in tommorrow"

you need a green card. I have ocd (obessive thoughts and mild ritualism) and the relaxation from it helps me stop doing so many rituals, it takes the edge off anxiety and stress, puts you in an optimistic mood, and get this, it stops your brain from going 10,000 mph. I have racing thoughts too (racing thoughts is symptom of ocd, adhd, and bi polar, all of which I have) and it slows things down. Like all things, use in moderation because too much will sap your willpower and leave you in a hazzy daze for 1-3 days (which is a good thing because at 3 days, your thoughts go back to 10,000 mph lol)

the other stuff, sounds like a mid life crisis, haha. It happens, your going to need to find something to ground you, a purpose, a goal, a devotion, some light to look forward to while you walk through hell. Maybe you need to get hitched, have a kid while you still can. if not, adoption is just as good, maybe even better.

you need to talk with your doctor about sleep medicines, sleep hygene, and try melitonin too.

here is a mental extersize that helps when the mind is rushing and you cant sleep

imagine a train...a long train. put each thought on a train car and watch it drive away. dont interact with the thought, dont fight the thought...just observe the thought as you put it on the train and watch it leave...do the same thing with every thought you have until your mind is empty. This is a buddhism meditation extersize, but it really works for what they call "the monkey mind" Where your mind is like a spider monkey jumping from subject to subject without rest.

Also dont see non-perfection as failure, but as one step in a many step process towards your goal.
a interviwer asked Edison how he felt about failing 99 times before inventing the lightbulb. He said that he saw it not as 99 failures but as a 100 step process.

anyway,
you, more than anyone in the world need your own love-Buddha

Jojo