Can anyone relate ?

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I have a problem.
If someone says something that upsets me, I will find myself turning it over and over in my head, and leading to a totally negative train of thought that builds up until I have to talk about it, or until I simply 'meltdown', if that is the right word, and end up so full of frustration and pain that I break things and scratch or hit myself.

I feel as if I am an oddity on this forum, as I don't see anyone else hitting this sort of point or going through the same thing.
I am guessing it is more down to childhood abuse than down to aspergers.

I also notice where the males with Aspergers I have known, seem to be entirely logical, and don't seem to react to emotions, that I react in a very extreme way to my own feelings.

It is hard to describe.
When it comes to my thought processes and emotions, one might also say I am NT as I seem to be able to understand them.
But when it comes to those of others, I am blind.

I know people with autism are known to sometimes bang their heads and scratch themselves, but it seems to be in a different context to me.
I do it from being frustrated and full of self loathing.

While I do not hurt myself in anyway, I have known many cutters. They said cutting was a distraction from the pain they felt. It was relieving to feel pain elsewhere for awhile. That's a pretty "normal" (or at least not unique) reaction.

For me, I can get a bit locked on with something. The urge to correct someone who has said something incorrect or upsetting (It's upsetting because it's unfair, makes little sense or is just plainly untrue) can sometimes overhelm me.

In those cases I just spin my thought process to how I have to let it go. I find that if I just keep reminding myself that I need to let it go, I can. Sometimes I bring stuff up to my partner and can't seem to get past it and she just says softly "let it go." Just verbalizing it, sometimes it's necessary to verbalize repeatedly like a mantra, helps to get rid of it.

I've also been working on my perfectionism. What you are describing, at least as far as I am understanding and relating to it, can be rooted to perfectionism. I want things to make sense. I want things to be "right" and correct.

But life cannot always make sense. When I think of things like, what happened before the big bang? how can time have always existed? what is god? I have no answers. Life is this weird chaotic mess, and yet still manages to be beautiful and ordered. These are things I can get caught up on, even though there is no possible way for me to sort them out.

And as for my emotions? I am a girl and used to be very emotional but have, in the recent decade, been able to distance myself more and more from my emotions, relying on logic moreso. This has come from lots of reading about other personality types (like the book "Please Understand Me") and realizes more about people's needs and how they try to get what they want.

I think I'm rambling. And I'm not sure I've answered your question or helped.

The end.

With me, it does not seem to be a distraction even, it is an overriding explosion, and does not even bring me any relief, so it is not typical of what I read of self harm in things like bpd and bipolar. That is what I don't understand. It is as if I cannot deal with the negative thoughts and the build up of emotion and just go a bit crazy. I cannot even really explain the process. I do not do it for attention, nor a cry for help, though I did sometimes as a teenager. It is as if I cannot stop the emotions once they are at that point and they explode outwards.

This always happens when I hit communication barriers with others, when something they say upsets me or creates confusion, and I cannot resolve it and find a solution from talking to them. Like you, I have been told I don't just let things go, I tend to get stuck on a thought, and keep turning it over and over, and when I try and tell the person involved what is wrong, it brings only confusion or even anger on their part that I could get so uptight over something that to them, is trivial.

Most of the time, I am not outwardly emotional at all.
But if I hit a communication problem, often with someone who is perhaps more severe aspergers than I am, it creates terrible problems for me as I like to resolve things in my head. So I will tell them what they said that has made me feel bad, in hopes they will explain to me what they meant. This usually causes the other person to become irritated and angry that something they meant entirely differently, has managed to upset me, and then there is an exchange that is negative, leaving me feeling totally explosive towards myself.

Even non aspies have expressed frustration at this tendency to get caught up on a single thought.
Maybe it is partly my OCD, I am not sure.

But I feel like crap for not being able to simply let things go and not care about them anymore.

Do you notice the building portion of the frustration? Or does it just seem to suddenly explode?

Yes, I understand about talking to people. Instead of decreasing the frustration, it seems to increase it as the person is confused why you are bringing it up, or upset back at you for being offended.

For me this is remedied by being careful who I have any meaningful communication with. I stick with close friends and people who communicate well. Most of the time the problem is that I am talking to a jerk (or at least someone who is clueless as to how offensive they are in general) or I am misunderstanding the person's intent.

When I feel like I am going to get upset, or do say something explosive to someone, I just tell them I need some time and go off to be alone for a bit. I can usually calm down.

But to tell you how I calm down? I don't know. I take deep breaths. Yoga has helped me with this. Meditation. This of course doesn't particularly work if you aren't in your own space...

I can notice it building up, it is very difficult to stop, due to my tendency to revolve negative thoughts around my head, until it reaches that point.
The final thought that ends in me hurting myself tends to be that I am selfish and stupid and somesuch, for having become upset about something in the first place and upsetting someone else's day.

It is kind of hard to not feel safe to have meaningful conversations with someone who is supposed to be your boyfriend, as maybe it is more a female thing, but I like to be able to be open about everything with the person I am with.

Sometimes it seems safer to simply not talk at all, or interract with anyone at all. That way, I do not experience this issue, not as much anyway, although I can sometimes get explosive over losing things or spilling things.

Not that this is overly helpful, but it sounds like you need to find a way to severe the thoughts, aka stop the cycle.

For me repeating that I need to get over it helps a lot. This took some experimentation to find. In my earlier 20s, I had more difficulties but over time, with the finding of a mate that truly gets me, and taking the time to learn how to handle myself (how to make the bad stuff inside me become more manageable) I've found some peace, or some coping skills I guess.

I definitely understand the not wanting to interact because it seems safer.

It kinda sounds like you are a perfectionist too. There are a few books that can help with that. But sometimes just a reality check is in order. If you know of someone you respect, you can say, "I'm getting so upset with myself for spilling, but would so-and-so get so angry with themselves?"

I know for me, I hold myself to a much higher standard than I do others. When you can realize your perfectionism isn't helping you, maybe you can find some solace. Of course, that realization is a long process. It takes the overcoming of one "fit" at a time. It requires patience. With time, it can lessen.

I'm not saying this is the whole answer. But it has worked for me.

I experienced child abuse, not sexual but emotional and physical from a young age. My mother fled my abusive step-father when I was ten and we never looked back. My birth father is a violent alcoholic, and plays with your mind constantly. My behaviour until then was always associated with the abuse.

Since then I've been diagnosed with Aspergers, in the process of being tested for ADD and Bipolar and also have suspected dyspraxia. I am an ex-self harmer, although always very tempted to go back into my old ways. The cutting was a release of endorphins, made me feel real and distracted from the pain inside. I still scratch myself subconsciously when very upset, although never deep enough to leave a permanent mark.

How you explain the constant cycle of negative thoughts, that's me. It's almost as if your brain is torturing you more just to feel more pain. When receiving treatment for my self harming my psychologist said he thought that was another way of self harming, unconsciously trying to make myself feel worse because I have a deep founded belief that I deserve it. It's also a marked part of depression.

I have meltdowns, but in my medical examinations they're called depressive episodes in a mood disorder. I feel it building up, sometimes very gradual or sometimes within 2-3 minutes, then explode for as long as an hour. I get verrrry loud at this point, and since I already have an issue knowing the right decibel to speak at it can deafen.

Having problems understanding other points of view is a characteristic that can come from being self-centred in your misery. This doesn't mean you're selfish, just that particularly when upset you can't see why others don't understand, even though you may be very incoherent etc. Also goes hand in hand with aspies.

I used to do that a lot.
It's only recently that I've gained the ability to take the mental equivalent of a deep breath and step away from the person's comments.
I don't know exactly how I do that. Realising that sometimes things that people say reflect more on them than on me does help a lot.

I agree with this. I think most people are highly self-centered (myself included). It is hard to exist as a human and not relate to things as they pertain to you. That is natural. We can only literally see through our own eyes.

So when someone says something mean, even if they are doing it on purpose, it relates back to all their experiences. They see something from you and it reminds them of 37 other things they've experienced. When people lash out, the current event is often just the very thin top layer of what they are really upset at.

I used to cut, but it never seemed to have any reason, other than taking out an explosion of pain and anger on the person I blamed for it, or in the absence of feeling able to get angry at the person/people who were upsetting me. I know a lot who cut sort of seem to do it as a release, and it is more controlled, but I was way out of control when I got that way, it was from what can only be described as extreme rage, and I ended up needing stitches at its worst. It was a wakeup call and since then I have had a bit of a phobia of sharp things and glass.

I don't know if it was a form of meltdown or what, I can say that at times I have reached such a point of intense emotion that I have simply ended up hitting myself in front of people and almost shaking with it. So sometimes it is triggered by something happening that I cannot deal with, while othertimes it is triggered by a negative series of thoughts where someone upsets me, I feel unable to tell them they have, then move onto blaming myself and considering myself selfish for feeling that way to begin with. It can get so confusing.

I would say that the not understanding other points of view, well I can have that problem, but in my own particular situations recently, it has been a case of an aspie male not being willing to listen to my view without becoming mean and defensive and placing blame. If there is a calm and civilised conversation, without name calling, and where both parties speak their minds, I am perfectly able to see another's point of view, though it might take some thinking it over as well. Often, if I have had a problem with someone, I find I have to think about it for days to try and work out their side of things.

But my current meltdowns/explosions are being caused by interractions with a male aspie who reacts to any communication about some of the things he says being hurtful, by going defensive, becoming verbally aggressive and mocking my emotions.

I wish I could find a way to do that, I think I tend to take what people say so literally, and because I have quite poor self esteem, I simply assume they are right and then have further issues with negative thoughts. With some things, I can later on conclude that it is a reflection of the other person's fears/experiences, but with other things, it really seems to strike places where I am already vulnerable, so to speak. I tend to have an instant build up inside, almost like panic and a need to escape, and become agitated and feel I have to do something, but can't. It is hard to describe really. I honestly, right now, feel that my best option is to remain in my home and just live through the internet, lol, then I avoid the worst of it.

It could be OCD. Seeing a doctor would be a good idea