depression & PTSD

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Hey, I've lurked around here for a while and I finally decided to join. I'm a 26 year old female. I have major depression, dysthymia and PTSD. The 2nd to last counselor I saw said I'm schizoaffective but I don't think so.

Sometimes I have wondered if I have Asperger's or something on the spectrum, though. I got sent to the social worker when I was in elementary school and was labeled "Emotionally disturbed." I think the social worker picked up on my depression. I was never diagnosed with PTSD until I was 18. My grandparents raised me because my mom died before I was a year old. They never let me go to counseling, take meds or anything even when the social worker asked them to.

I was kind of in my own world a lot. My grandparents never let me go to anyone's house, have sleepover, birthday parties, etc (to hide the fact that my grandfather is an alcoholic). so I had no idea how to socialize with anyone. I got bullied a lot, but it got hardcore in middle school, high school and even the university I went to. There were all these unspoken rules that I had no idea about. I got asked out as a joke a lot.

I do have a question- do those of you who have had relationships end up with people who have problems with empathy? I've dated 2 guys who have been officially diagnosed with Asperger's (after I understood about it I thought the 2nd guy and I would clash due to our disorders but he wanted to try anyway and it just didn't work. I kept telling him to break up with me when he got frustrated with me but he kept trying to to work it out until he found a new place to live.) I've even been with people that I thought were straight up sociopaths.

As for myself, I'm not sure where I stand on empathy. Some people say I'm very empathetic and have even gone as far as to call me an empath. I took a personal DNA quiz and it kind of contradicted itself. It said:
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
but then:
You find it difficult to understand why some people get so emotional and tell everyone else their problems. (Which is strange, because people have said that about ME and have gotten frustrated with me about things that I've never gotten to talk about or that I think are a huge deal- they tell me "Get over it" or "That was a long time ago" but they always want to talk to me about their problems and basically use me as a free counselor, and it doesn't bother me- basically why I majored in psychology and criminal justice. )
At times other people's feelings are puzzling to you, and you wish that people were more rational.

Anyway I'll stop rambling, I just wondered if anyone here could relate to anything I'm saying.

Hai there. I can relate to parts of your post. There was a point a few years back when I had some trauma issues, but thankfully that's been resolved through good therapy.

It seems like that you had some issues with socialisation, but whether or not that's caused by something like Asperger's or as the result of your upbringing is hard to say. If your grandparents deliberately isolated you from your peers and therefore you weren't able to socially interact and learn about social interactions, then that could be contributing to how you currently interact with others.

With Asperger's, there's a few other aspects to the disorder aside from difficulties with social interaction. Do you get obsessive interests, for instance? Do you have any sensory issues? Do you feel like a need for routine and a dislike for change? Those are a few other aspects to consider if you are wondering whether or not you are on the spectrum.

For me, I found that I had to work on stabilising my mental health before I could be properly assessed for things like Asperger's. So, it took me quite a few years, but eventually I got there.

How can you have both?

it's called double depression. It won't let me post a link yet though.

The counselor who told me I had it said that even when I'm not having a major depressive episode I still have dysthymia so I'm still not as happy as a "normal person." I can function better and don't feel suicidal and stuff but it's still really easy for me to get into a major depressive episode or feel like I can't handle things.

Smallfruitsong, I am not sure about the sensory issues. I got migraines all the time when I was a kid and sometimes I still do now but I had to get my adenoids taken out when I was 10 so that made a difference. I am sensitive to lights, especially like if I'm sitting somewhere with a ceiling fan and it makes the light flash sometimes it will make me throw up. I am sensitive to loud noises and chemical smells. If I have to get cleaning supplies I basically have to run through the aisle or it might bring on a migraine or an asthma attack.

My grandmother said that I used to line up my toys in a row when I was a kid by size, color and things like that but I got a lot less organized as I got older. Having a routine helps me- I am happier when I have a job or something that gives me a reason to get up in the morning but I'm really forgetful (thanks, fibromyalgia) Major change like a breakup is very hard for me to deal with and I do everything wrong in that kind of situation. Once I freaked out because of a friend trying to get with one of my exes and going to hang out with him even when she told me that she wouldn't. She also pretended to be one of my friends on AIM to act like my friend was taking her side, but I had talked to that friend earlier that day so I knew that she (friend #2) didn't think it was right. I got so upset that I went to the hospital and they said I was having an adjustment disorder, depressive type (but it was also because my psychiatrist at the time had put me on 60 mg of Celexa and that is WAYYY too much- now I'm a lot more stable.)
Whenever I had roommates I got upset when they moved my stuff and I'd ask them where they put it and then they'd start yelling at me even if I came to them in a polite manner and didn't raise my voice. But I remember where I put things by the last place I saw them and so people think I'm really messy because I leave things out where I can see them instead of putting them in a closet or something. Otherwise I forget I have them. So I don't know. does any of that sound familiar to you?

With the social stuff I just feel like I didn't know a lot of things that I should have known somehow. Like in high school a lot of my problems started when I withdrew from the "popular girls" because I thought one of them didn't like me. She was always giving me dirty looks, calling me fat, accusing me of stuffing my bra and things and I didn't think friends treated each other like that. And I didn't know that you're not "supposed to" talk to someone's boyfriend even if you have no interest in them or you're not "supposed to" dye your hair certain colors or wear makeup a certain way.. things like that. I mean I gave up on trying to fit in and embraced being weird and people called me gothic or grunge- aging myself here- (now they call me emo/punk) and since I'm black people accuse me of trying to be white. But where I live there isn't really a ghetto and my grandparents didn't get cable until I was 13 so I never saw BET or anything like that and I didn't know you were "supposed to" act like a stereotype. So that led to me getting beat up, asked out as a joke, having things thrown at me, my locker glued shut, you name it. I just was a loser who did everything wrong and to this day I still do things "wrong." There were people mad at me at a bar I go to for karaoke because I don't sit at the same table every time I go out. I hang out with different acquaintances of mine and I tend to sit with whoever gave me a ride and then someone told me that my ex-roommate had gone around saying that I "Go around from group to group messing up people's friendships." These people have all known each other way longer than me and I shouldn't have the power to do that. And the guy saying this stuff is 30. I mean who cares if I don't sit at the same table every time I go out?

That's me all the way.
Next time you see him, ask him how his life got so pathetic that he
has nothing better to do with his time than ruin other people's reputations.

Since when is a bar a place to scrutinize people's etiquette anyway?
I thought the whole point of going was to get shit-faced, forget those
rules & inhibitions, and make friends (and destroy one's liver in the process).

Oh I'll have a lot more to say to him than that. He has no right to talk about anybody's etiquette. I shouldn't even call him a roommate- he was just a moocher. I'm mad at myself for letting me get run over and manipulated. He and his brother tag-teamed me into staying here and they ate all my food, they let people come over and I ended up seeing pictures of them on Facebook jumping on my bed & trying on my clothes (and he said it's because they wanted to use MY computer. Keyword- MY. What gives him the right to give other people permission to use MY stuff?) I could go on forever about the things that they did- they'd even steal my shampoo and they would use all the toilet paper in like 2 days so I had to start hiding it in my closet and then they would steal it. They are the most pathetic people ever and fortunately most people don't believe what they say about me. They try to say that I said they could do all that stuff and then got mad at them but I'd never let anyone do that and I wasn't here to ask most of the time anyway. I couldn't stand listening to them act like they were in middle school. They even would go on people's Facebook profiles and judge them by how often other people wrote on their wall and how many statuses or whatever they posted in a row and say "Oh that means this person has no life"- who cares? I don't even look at people's actual profiles, I look on the news feed most of the time! They'd judge who was "cool" by what time they went to or left the bar and it just goes on and on and on .Then they accuse ME of having a respect problem because I don't want to listen to that stupid BS when they never respected me at all.

I go to see someone to sort my mind out in London and he is doing CBT with me to sort out negative thinking. I get really rough periods where i get so angry and frustrated with everyone and everything , but these are followed by periods when i feel like i am on cloud nine. I am trying and searching for the middle which is realism , but i struggle with being realistic and know if somehow i can be more level headed i may see more eye to eye with those who don't understand me , etc , etc.
My two mates moved away , i hated them and they always used me for money i couldn't pay them back. Together they were really strange and they made up stories that made no sense and that were not funny.
What i did in my last period is write , i wrote a lot of poems and also did a bit of a rambled story of my life as i see it.
I have had these periods for a long time now , but i can't effectively deal with a mixed up diary , i have periods of work scattered all over the place and in between i often try to block out what the time is. I am trying hard to become less time obsessed , but find that living alone i question time , all of the time and then when i have to throw myself into a crowd , i.e. Womad or whatever i get really tense. This is because i am so used to my own company , too used to my own company , but i can't relate to people locally and when these periods happen

my body language changes and i can become really uptight. I do morris dancing and i do not do number 1 at the moment , i am struggling to find the right moments to be in and the right moments to be myself. I feel that i am on a voyage of discovery and that i am struggling very hard to find out who i really am.
Sorry for the rant , the last time i saw someone up in Swanley i got drunk and ended up in a police cell , my Mum and Dad were furious , for some weird reason i turn to the bible when i feel down i don't know why and also i get very blasphemous. Obviously this is why i decided to get treatment for my mental health.

My dad says we are all different , i find this hard to except.