Body dysmorphic disorder "episodes"

Post Reply New Topic

I have body dysmorphic disorder.

Every so often I'll notice a new flaw that is irreversible and it's all I can think of.

I feel it has ruined my appearance beyond repair.

It's illogical since I think this with every new flaw.

Now I'm worried cause I've been squinting due to eye problems for several days and I notice more sagginess and lines under my eyes. I look older.

I will be thinking about this with suicidal despair without end unless something stops me.

I thought about sun damage for 2.5 years before my focus switched to something else and less distressing.

I always think, "God DAMN it, if only I could go back in time a few days and not do that thing I did to ruin my face!"

No therapist has successfully treated this or really made a dent in it.

I've had this problem since I was a teenager but it makes it impossible for me to function now.

WHAT DO I DO. Any advice.

Any advice or any words on BDD in general would be appreciated. Your experiences if you have or had it, etc.

Yes I have similar problems about my appearance, but whether it's BDD I'm not really sure. It is related to anxiety, mostly around people, and I've been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. I'm not really sure if it's just an extension of being worried all the time, as I worry about just about everything. So to worry about my appearance, for me, well... is kinda normal. Reducing my anxiety with meds has helped, but not so much that it's totally gone from my thoughts.

What things do you feel you have done which has ruined your face?

The ultimate irony of all this, is that we'll look and feel a whole lot better if we just didn't care about our appearance. Go figure...

Oh, squint, sleep face-down (the way that's most comfortable for me and that I always end up sleeping), smile since my smile is so squinty <--- this last is ridiculous I know. As you say what's the point if not enjoying ourselves in life?

Yes there's really no point to it, but somehow we still persist. I doubt those actions can have any real effect on your face, but the anxious mind will believe anything - believe me I know. Something that can possibly distract one from such obsessive thoughts may be in order. Do you work? If so, does it distract you from those thoughts? I wish I could give you some real advice but I still struggle with persistent (and pointless) worries.

I don't work. Depression and anxiety that manifests mainly as THIS (BDD) has made it so I can't work. I probably have too low a stress tolerance for "real" work in any case.

I really appreciate your solidarity and support.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm limited to working from home due to my anxiety and depression.

No problem, I just hope my words can help us both.

I've been suffering w ith BDD for awhile now, it started mildly when I was young and has grown disabling over the last few months, it centres around my crooked teeth and difficult to control hair, the teeth probably take up the most time, unfortunately I have no advice since I can barely deal with it myself.

I just sometimes think all my problems would be so much better if I looked just how I wanted, if you offered me 1 million euro of my looks, I'd choose the latter easilly.

I am ever thankful that my problem with my teeth is being corrected this year with braces, but I lament that my BDD will simply choose another part of my body to attack, perhaps my bumped nose or pale skin.

Phonic I relate to you so much. I'm sorry about your struggles too. I know just what you mean. I fixated on sun damage for three years then it went away then a week later it was onto wrinkles.

IT NEVER ENDS, there's always some body part to fixate on

And I ALWAYS look back and think I was great then! I wish I looked like that now! Why did I waste my time wanting to die over that?

All I can say is a bumped nose, crooked teeth, hard-to-control-hair and pale skin are all attractive in their own way but I KNOW, I KNOW that won't cure your BDD, it is a truly insidious and malignant and hard-to-control disorder, I'm just telling you.

In fact Phonic (if you read this) I had braces as a teenager but didn't wear a retainer so they returned back to their crooked formation and I actually prefer my teeth crooked, It has natural character, it's the way they insist on being, and it's more interesting to me that some orthodontist's cookie-cutter "perfect teeth" mold

but I can respect and understand the desire for straight teeth

I am not sure if this is part of this or not, but I think it may be. I have never been diagnosed with this, but I used to be very overweight. I had surgery years ago and have since lost a lot. Recently, I have gained about 30 pounds due to stress and eating at night (late night cravings). I am not overweight according to my doctors. I used to be at the bottom of my weight, actually so the weight gain has put me at a more normal level. I am in a size 10 pant. It would be smaller than that if I had the excess skin removed. Probably a size 6 to a size 8.

Here is where the problem comes in. I feel fat since I have gained the weight. I keep telling myself I am not, but whenever I look at myself, I feel like I am about 100 pounds heavier than I really am. I have had urges to go anorexic (I was very close to this at times before I actually had surgery because of the desperation to loose weight). I have not done this and have struggled to just try to eat right, but the feeling that I am fat keeps creeping and I see myself as huge. I don't know if it is because of the excess skin around my belly or what, but it is so hard. I wish I could just accept that I am not big, that I just am at a more appropriate weight.

I understand GreatSphinx. Sounds like body dysmorphia to me.

It's a constant game of comparisons. That are really meaningless. Obviously, objectively, 8 is a healthy size.

I alays compare my skin of today to my skin of yesterday or a few days ago and it's always worse cause I'm always older. I didn't look in the mirror for four days cause I knew with my high anxiety I'd see myself as horrible-looking. I finally looked today hoping I'd see something good but no. I didn't even recognize myself. I look so old. But it's a feeling. It's based in feeling rather than fact. Yes I'm 5 days older but the difference is only 4 days' worth, it can't possibly be that big. But it devastates me, it seems EVERYTHING to me, it takes up all my mind space.

People are getting older by the moment. Moment by moment, that's how people get from infancy to old age. Why do I have to focus on that though and keep it from letting me live a life where I don't feel like a troll getting uglier and less fit for society by the day?

Oh dear this is acting up again. In the TV documentary about it there was a perfectly pretty girl who wore a bindi for non-religious reasons but for the reason of distracting from the features she thought were unattractive.

I'm trying to keep that in mind, it helps to see the unfoundedness of these concerns.

I don't really have any advice right now, unfortunately, but I am struggling with BDD too. I absolutely hate it, and I believe that more than anything else is responsible for shattering my self-esteem entirely and making me loathe this body I am trapped in. I don't even really know where to go from here or how to fix it. I never received an official diagnosis, but I did take an online test through a clinic, received the generic automated response, then got a more personal letter saying that my results showed the likelihood of severe BDD. I am completely obsessed with every little flaw that no one else seems to notice, but they seem very obvious to me.

Oh you sound so much like me. Except... uggh I won't even say the except. It's hell it's absolute hell. Over and over, no logic to it, only contextless... or is there logic? It makes me insane, you just never know if what you're seeing is what you'll see the next day or a week later... I am falling apart in every way and this is at the crux of it although I think this is an extreme form of the wish to kill oneself while still being alive... a lot like anorexia... I'm not sure what makes some swing in that direction and some in this (some in both) but this is an absolute rejection of the self but if course it never works cause as long as you're alive you're still right there. I feel f*****g crazy and I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I never know what's real. Just falling apart, it never ends, I just want it to end and I want to be liked for who I am and accepted with all my flaws and faults and weaknesses and troubles. I don't want to have to make an effort I just want to be worthwhile.