Mania

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Today I stopped taking my perscribed anti psychotics and started taking Prozac against doctors orders, all in the hope of once again achieving the high, the wonder, the feeling of being a superstar again.

When I was manic I scared my family, scared myself, but I loved it, I felt so special, and now ever since I crashed and came way down all I’ve wanted to do is return to that state. How often do people truly live in the moment the way I did? How often does someone have that many ideas and the drive to make it all happen?

I even miss the delusion and paranoia, it just reminded me how special I was, special enough to be followed by the government, I was truly the main character of the worlds movie. Anything but this..murky grey depression, just one more day of pure bliss and energy. I don’t care where I end up because of it, I don’t care if I’m sent to A&E or a mental hospital, all I want is to be beyond happyness like I was before, not so long ago.

It was on Saturday that I crashed, crashed so hard i tried to kill myself with an overdose, I don’t think I was totally serious about it, I think I just wanted to feel special again. I said to my mother “I just want it to happen again” but she reminds me that I was reckless, unpredictable, that it was frightening, but I felt so alive.

Why did it end? When it became apparent what might be happening I was taken off prozac and my dose of risperdal was upped to 3 mg a day. It was no surprise that I sunk so far down. Now I’m trying to jump around, trying to get it into my head after taking a double dose of prozac that I WILL have it again, I run back and forth trying to get my energy levels up, I stay awake as long as I can and sleep as little as possible, it’s pathetic, but I’m desperate to feel like a king again.

that is all.

yes, i haven't had mania but I do understand mood disorders. Do you really to pick up the pieces of your life after your manic episode? What if you can't control it and do a lot of things you might regret? what if it kills you? Anyway things to think about. Hopefully you can stabilize your mood and get out of that depression. Best of luck to you.

Awwwe that's so sad my grandpa was manic. I've only ever been hypo manic I like the way it boosted my creativity because I am an artist. I did eventually find a way to feel that nice high feeling without any mania or drugs. I found that through special meditation I could get there and it was actually easier to do while I was very depressed. I used art and listened to music to relax myself, while I reflected on my life and realized that I am like a god already. Just the fact that I have my own consciousness and I have created beautiful artwork. I believe that all human beings are gods. Our own consciousness is the universe experiencing itself and when we die a part of the universe dies with us. I'm not very religious myself but I do have very Buddhist views.

I found some of the information on this you tube channel useful
http://www.youtube.com/user/bipolarorwakingup
Now it's not useful for everyone but I found that for me some of the information here was helpful.

If the meds you have been prescribed are not working for you then the best thing you can do is go back to your prescriber (psychiatrist?) and ask to have them reviewed. Being in the depths of severe depression is not something you should have to put up with and it can be fixed, although it may take time to get the right balance of medication and, if appropriate, therapy, along with making any appropriate lifestyle changes to support your recovery. However, stopping your antipsychotics suddenly is really not a good idea as it can send you spiralling into a dangerous state where you lose all touch with reality and become a risk to yourself - mental hospitals can actually be quite frightening places when you are in this state and there is the potential that you may do yourself some real harm before you get there. This is a worst-case scenario and I hope that nothing bad will happen to you, but would advise caution nonetheless. Please look after yourself x

I would contact your PDOC ASAP. It sounds like whatever cocktail you are on is totally not working. You need to find something to make you STABLE. You can be happy again, but with that you will have to come to terms with not being manic. You have to figure what is important to you, and what your goal is. You can be manic and end up dead or in a mental institution or you can focus on trying to find a med combination that will keep you as level as possible.

It can be hard to remember that with super-mania comes behavior that can greatly affect your future. I just hope you can give it up for sake of your own life.