I developed Bipolar Disorder a few years ago after I became a Christian. As a Christian I was required to do certain things that I lacked the ability to do in order to avoid going to hell and constantly debated with myself. I entered a psychological cycle that over time divided my personality into two sides. One side of me was extremely depressed to the point that I wished that I didn't exist and the other side was extremely angry to the point that I hated everyone and wanted them to die. Because of this over time I stopped caring about avoiding going to hell and became a maltheistic and misotheistic Christian. I became obsessed with violence and genocide. I became more immoral and did things that I didn't do before I became a Christian, although I was kind of depressed and angry at times before then but it wasn't as extreme. After a few years I started to question Christianity and gained more information that converted me to Spiritualism. My emotional patterns improved drastically, but I never fully recovered. My Bipolar Disorder became Cyclothymia. I don't feel as depressed or angry, I still feel tired a lot and other times I can't fall asleep, my thoughts still race most of the time, I still don't feel motivated to do work or much else, and I still get angry over little things like if my computer is taking a long time to load or makes a small error. Unlike before, now I feel happy at times. I enjoy doing a lot more things that I was too depressed to enjoy before. Cyclothymia still causes me problems though. I recently purchased an old rusty sickle and some metalic knuckles off of one of my friends because I was feeling angry and depressed at the time and needed something to cheer me up, but I still debate with myself about whether I should have bought them or not. I am also considering accepting a risky "bussiness proposition" that one of my friends offered me that I could make a lot of money off of but would get in serious trouble if I got caught that I am still debating with myself on whether or not to accept because my perspective on it changes as my emotions cycle. I am a college student and my oversleeping during the day is interfering with my school work, although I am an excellent student who has been doing well so far. I have never been officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Cyclothymia, but due to how extreme my depression and mania were I am almost 100% sure that I had Bipolar Disorder and the traits that I have now line up perfectly with Cyclothymia. I have never told anyone about my Cyclothymia and plan on continuing to keep it secret from everyone I know. I have probably developed other personality disorders too, but I am not completely sure because they might just be characteristics of Aspergers Syndrone. Does anyone have advice on how to cope with Cyclothymia while keeping it a secret from everyone? Is there any way that I could recover and have more stable emotions? I am grateful not be in the complete anguish of Bipolar Disorder anymore, but I would still like to go back to the way my emotions were years ago. Please help me.
23 Oct 2011, 9:53 pm
