Repressed anger

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Hi all, I'm new here and am just trying to navigate my way towards some self-healing, by exploring other's opinions and experiences. I have an Aspie partner, and I suspect Dad... and possibly a borderline Mom.

My childhood was very difficult from an emotional point-of-view. I had everything I wanted materially, but very little emotionally. I don't feel like I was ever REALLY listened to, or paid much attention to.

I was constantly criticized for everything - from the way I ate, walked (toes pointed in), carried myself (rounded shoulders), talked (my regional accent wasn't acceptable) even to the shape of my nose (too large). Dad called me silly for everything. Mom said I'd never have any friends or amount to anything...

I left home as soon as I was able and traveled to a country half way around the world to escape. that feeling of escape is still strong in me. As are feelings of 'lonliness', 'emptiness', 'injustice'.

If find it difficult to stay motivated, or hold down jobs that don't inspire or excite me. I have low self-esteem and think of myself as a failure.

None of this really matters. It is what it is, and I've never know anything else... so I live with it. But, I was just wondering if it could be due to repressed feelings of anger. (I was never able to express anger as a child because if I did my Mom would shriek and accuse me of all sorts of things, so I learnt to stay quiet and small). Instead of anger I would sulk... which, thinking about it, seems like a turning inward of anger. Do you agree?

I still don't feel any anger at anything. ever. Is that normal?

Does anyone else feel empty, or lost like this? And has anyone tried to do any work on themselves to release their repressed anger. What does repressed anger even feel like to you?

I appreciate all of your comments. Unfortunately, due to my being overseas, treatment or professional help is not an option at this time, and part of me feels like I don't really need it anyway, cause I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything... just merely trying to understand myself better.

Thanks.

hiya Mandarin
welcome to our club

I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I used to feel guilty about having fantasy's of punching my mother in the face, but because I'm not violent I swore at her instead. She freaked of course. One time I said hey mom do you know why I call you a B!@#H? She said it's because you want to deify me and you don't respect my authority. Anyway I said no the real reason is because you hurt me so much I say bad things when I'm hurting. She then found someway to make it about her and make me out to be the real problem. She's never really heard anything I've ever said to her. Eventually my mother managed to make me feel so worthless that I tried to kill myself on my 19th birthday because she told me I wasn't a real adult. In the hospital she asked me why I did it and I told her I said you make me feel awful. Of course she said no you make you feel awful. Of course I didn't know I had autism neither did she, but still. My mother constantly made me feel worthless and only in the last year at age 22 did I find out from other people that I was being abused at home. She's living proof that the schizophrenogenic mother theory isn't myth. It's real I swear(>_<) if the world's top psychiatrists had surveillance camera's in our house they'd have that old theory revised in the new DSM. (T_T) I'd be ASD Child+Over bearing mom=schizophrenic adult
Anyway my childhood was pretty tough too I was depressed and paranoid at a young age because I'd often get screamed at cause of the AS symptoms. Everything was very tense growing up. Now that I'm 23 I don't feel guilty for not being perfect.