Fitting in

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Faking it or fitting in.

I did this yesterday , i went into work feeling like s**t and i put a mask on and faked it all the way. I managed just about , but it was hard work and i felt strange because underneath i felt awful and i had to bottle it up and fit in. I wasn't really there yesterday and that was not me and i knew exactly how i felt in that situation , bloody weird. I just hate having to act to fit into the world or feel as if i am stepping onto a stage all the time where everything is fake and illusionary. Im very weird like this , but are things actually real or isd everything fake , but seems real because we have made it real.

I get times when i can't make any sense of this world and i feel as if i am learning russian or something. Maybe i am over complicating things with my mind , but things seem odd when i go out and i feel like i am acting out my life. I feel like i am being that other character that i have created for myself to step[ into when i feel like s**t to get by. That is what i call it getting by , sometimes i just need to be man enough to struggle on , but even then i feel that it is not me that is connecting with that situation it is someone else.

Strange , i have talks about this with my doc and tell him that i am fed up of constantly putting on a show and that i find it very tiring being someone else to live in this harsh planet. Sometimes i feel like i am in the world , but on days when i can't be f****d and feel dead inside , i.e yesterday i feel that i am on another planet where i am speaking a different language and i am made to be on this planet because no one gives a f**k.

I fake a lot of things, it's very interesting at times because I feel like I'm watching a different me do stuff. I literally feel split in two. I'll be smiling and laughing at a joke I don't find funny to make someone else happy and then my inner self will say "Why are you laughing it wasn't funny?" Then I'll laugh a little harder not at the joke but people will think it was. I'll laugh harder because the self faking it is in so much pain having to hear and watch herself pretend to be a different person just to survive in this world.

I've faked many things. I was bullied at school and always had a "mask" on that made it not appear to affect me, but inside I was sooo sad and angry. At home, feeling happy is ok, feeling sad or angry isn't. So I can be feeling very sad and not showing anything.
I fit in on WP, but don't fit in in the world. I don't know if I ever will.

i dont know how to fake it also