is Aspergers my next 'destination' ?

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I'm 33 and have made a journey from weird kid => depression => generalised anxiety disorder => cyclothymia => Bipolar II but having read up on AS after coming across it in a couple of fiction books and discovering its a lot more complicated than I previously understood have started to wonder if it might explain .... well .... me?

I'll try to make this short and sweet and resist the temptation to write everything down,

I am lucky enough to live in the UK, land of free but incompetent (as a system) healthcare in particular when it comes to people with atypical mental make ups and it is only recently that I have actually been seeing a psychotherapist who I bit the bullet and pay privately after my life came tumbling down. This has meant an opportunity to learn more about me rather than the more clinical cycle of seeing a psychiatrist because I can't cope with life being diagnosed and stuck on drugs to 'make me better'

As a kid I was a 'fidgeter' (I still am when I don't make a conscious effort to occupy my hands) and a daydreamer who was early on noted to be cleverer than everyone around me but I also was often in trouble for doing or saying the wrong thing....I would accept that it was 'wrong' while not understanding why and avoid behaving that way if at al possible in future so as not to upset people but inevitably I would relax and let my guard down and do or say something to upset someone but not get what.

I just don't get people.... why they don't say what they mean... why they have this secret code that no-one has let me in on that tells you how to behave... it would be so much easier if people just did things logically and stopped deceiving each other

I also have very limited empathy a lot of the time (though over the years I have got better at making it seem like I do) when in fact inside I often feel nothing and have spent a lot of my life feeling like other people don't really exist or are robots. So social stuff is a real struggle as I upset people by not getting 'it' and seem stuck in the cycle of never keeping friends too long once they realise I'm actually weird and my obsessions over particular things coupled with my just not getting 'it' go from being cute to being annoying and upsetting

I crave structure, I can cope without it if need be for a short time but I need to have something to fall back on afterwards or else things start to go wrong.... and thats where my diagnosed 'illnesses' come from, times when I didn't have the structure to fall back on and it seemed like those around me were doing there best to destroy it and the stress of this and being unable to fix it would make my brain 'malfunction' because the data being input was corrupted (sorry I love analogies)

While I don't have a great memory for detailed facts (for some reason things don't lodge in my brain a lot of time) I have an excellent ability to remember where to find information or that I have read about it and then will focus my mind to find it. A bit like I have a damn good processor in my head but very little space for memory so need to supplement it with external drives and USB sticks and a good system map of where information is.

this is not everything just a precis as it is time to get ready for work and I must be there at a particular time which is good I guess as I could write an essay on this....but I wanted to ask peoples opinion before I maybe broach this with my therapist at the weekend.

hiya mindstarrising
welcome to the WP club
my advice is [for ultimate peace of mind] after you try an informal online questionaire, [if the results are affirmative] to get a head-to-toe evaluation from a specialist. they checked my reflexes, family history, childhood- they checked my working memory, checked my gait and posture, muscle tone, prosody of my speech, my gaze, facial expressions, lots of physical tests not included in the online questionaires. they talked to me in ways designed to ferret out the extent of my addlements. but of course nobody worth a fig will think the less of you for not getting any expensive evaluations, i wouldn't have done it myself were it not for my having decent health insurance benefits at the time.

If a parent has a mood disorder, a child with Asperger’s syndrome could have a genetic predisposition to strong emotions. This may be one of the factors that explain problems with the intensity and management of emotions that are characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome. However, there are other factors. When one considers the inevitable difficulties people with Asperger’s syndrome have with regard to social reasoning, empathy, conversation skills, a different learning style and heightened sensory perception, they are clearly prone to considerable stress, anxiety, frustration and emotional exhaustion. They are also prone to being rejected by peers and frequently being teased and bullied, which can lead to low self-esteem and feeling depressed. During adolescence, there can be an increasing awareness of a lack of social success, and greater insight into being different to other people - another factor in the development of a reactive depression. Thus, there may be genetic and environmental factors that explain the higher incidence of mood disorders.

The children cannot be understood simply in terms of the concept ‘poverty of emotion’ used in a quantitative sense. Rather what characterises these children is a qualitative difference, a disharmony in emotion and disposition.

Hans Asperger (1944).

Hey mindstarrising.

You are an honest person. It always amazes me how much we can relate to each other, when each person says what they really feel.

I think it is a brilliant idea that you have decided to go and talk with a psychotherapist, not because they can diagnose you and tell you how to fix yourself, rather, that it shows you have accepted the fact that you are unhappy and have decided to DO something about it. This is marvellous.

I do not (that I know of) suffer from any mental disorder, but I have recently overcome a two year long bout of severe clinical depression. It is a good story, though I wont go into it now. However, I feel it helps me relate to you. Now, I may not be able to see the world through your eyes, but I believe we may be able to share information and employ similar programs in our everyday lives, as long as our processing systems are compatible Also I think that everyone has most mental disorders to some extent, it is just manifest in some more than others, according to their personality (and emotion at the time).

You are unhappy. And what's more you are aware of it, this is very good. Now as any human wants, you wish to become far more happy, or 'at peace' for want of a better term. How alike we are! Hahahaha, this too is very good Your happiness or satisfaction stems from how comfortable you are in a situation, whether you feel in control or not, and whether there is any anxiety. Hence change, as for anybody, presents problems.

But all things change. You WILL grow older. Time WILL pass. And, like me, you WILL one day die. This is scary, but also a good thing, for with this knowledge hopefully you can become inspired to use your time to do WHATEVER it is that makes you feel happy. OR....just think what is the point???

A good question!! ! I do not know!! !! Hahahahaha, and such is the beauty of it. Yes, we are a product of this universe and hence we can relate, on some level, to all things within it. We can understand many of its properties. But we can never know EVERYTHING!! ! For one thing, we do not even know where the universe is!! !

Also it would be very boring. You may disagree and say as you like structure this would be heaven. But think, if you knew EXACTLY every thought, feeling and experience you were going to have, there would be NO point in living. It would be like watching a favourite episode of a TV show for the rest of your life, all the time. Except you watched it in the same room, at the same time, with the same people, on the same chair, had the same reactions, the same thoughts AND you knew all this beforehand. No, the secret of life, the meaning of it or whatever you want to call it, is in the mystery. And linked with that is our mortality, for without that we would have no reason to cling to life and hence appreciate all that is.

But how does this apply to you or me??? To be happy we must be willing to accept that we cannot know, AND that things will change. It does not mean that we are no longer afraid, just that we accept that they will happen. This is a HUGE step, enormously frightening and difficult to achieve. But it is the only logical step to take in life, if you seek peace. And as we all do, we all must one day take this step, if we wish to be truly happy.

I have taken a small step, and each day I must consciously take another. And I sincerely hope you do as well. It does not require you to be diagnosed, or cured, or to relate to anyone else on this earth more that you already do. It only requires you to accept. To accept where you are in your life now. To accept that change will occur, that people will judge you, that people will dislike you, and that yes, people will love you...and you cannot do a thing about it. You can only face the fear in you that craves for these things not to occur, and recognise this fear for what it is. Nothing but your own mind clinging to what you already know, what has been, and what you wish to be good!! ! Hahahaha!! and as it is only your own mind to be afraid of, you must of course also have the courage within you to overcome it!! !! This is very good.

And the beauty of it all, is once you accept, you can begin to embrace all that is good in the world. There is no need to worry about whether or not you are asperger's (although a diagnosis may be nice), or whether you can do this or that. Just know that you have a brain, it works because you are thinking now, and that with it you can do whatever it is you set your mind to. Because it is your mind, and if you can imagine it, well then it must be possible in some way Then, you can do whatever it is you love, and I hope you do, for that would make me very happy as well.

I wish you well in all your endeavours,
and I hope you find what you are looking for.

If you so wish, please do not hesitate to reply.
Sincerely Charlie.