Talking to someone

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

I don't really know how to explain this, but I guess I'll try.

I'm currently followed by a psychiatrist for a psychotic episode a few years ago. It's rather theoretical at the moment, I haven't seen her since... early October, I think. I don't have an appointment either. What happened, actually, is that the secretary was gone after my last appointment, so I didn't book one. I didn't call either, because... I don't know, I guess I was already getting tired of this "treatment", even though it was rather loose: just an appointment a month lately. There could be plenty of reasons. I certainly wouldn't have cancelled or said I didn't want another appointment. Actually, something similar had already happened twice, once at that clinic, once with a private psychologist, but anyway.

I don't actually have a diagnosis of anything. This clinic doesn't like diagnoses. The closest I got from a definition of anything was "psychotic anxiety", which I find rather unclear. I did have "hallucinations", things I felt inside me when I was anxious mostly, but the more I think about it, the more they might just be strange physical symptoms of anxiety which I interpreted in an anxious way as various objects or living creatures or mystical energies or whatever. In the past, I had been diagnosed with depression, too, but that doesn't really apply anymore.

I am not, of course, an expert, but at a glance, I don't see any diagnosis which really fits me. I do a lot of self-tests on the net, but I always answer somewhere in the middle to half the questions because I don't like giving definite answers unless I'm positively sure, so I generally have a mild case of everything -- including problems that genuinely do not apply.

The main thing I say is a problem is anxiety. I think that is true. I also have a lot of trouble sleeping, like right now. I do have a lot of symptoms which apply to many mental health problems.

I am not at all a social person, I have mostly been without friends since I was 9. I don't feel like it's a loss I have much trouble knowing whether I actually want to be mostly alone, whether I'm just afraid of social contact, whether I'm just not good at it and making excuses, or whether it's a convoluted mix of all of the above. I do become very stressed in a great many social situations, though it varies a lot, and I actually am rather happy with my life as it is, but I would have a hard time really giving a definite solution or explanation to this phenomenon -- amongst others.

It's not really about social life, though. I can mostly cope with things as they are. But I am, overall, feeling that something is wrong with me, mostly organisation-wise and in situations of stress, and I don't know what to do.

I think I should talk about this to a professional of some kind. I know I can call a doctor and all the appliable procedures. I just don't know... "how" to actually do it. And I'm scared.

I feel awfully stupid for asking this, even here. I am absolutely certain I will not say this to my actual psychiatrist, and I am most certain I would have a hard time saying this to anyone else, or even writing it. Posting it here was a pain.