Personality Disorder?

Post Reply New Topic

I have had every other diagnosis under the sun thrown my way. So I didn't take it to seriously when I was diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder NOS. In fact when I told a close relative who also is a psychotherapist that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder, she told me not to worry about it so much. She says many symptoms of Asperger’s are commonly mistakenly diagnosed as symptoms of personality disorders. I took her word for it and hardly even thought about it after discharging from the hospital.

Now it's about a year later and I'm still very unsatisfied with my diagnoses. They are: Bulimia nervosa, Dissociative Disorder NOS, Asperger’s, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder. I haven't seen a therapist since my hospitalization. I was admitted because I was extremely homicidal/suicidal immediately following a traumatic sexual assault. I was discharged after 3 weeks with a huge rap sheet and about 10 different medications and diagnoses.

I have always had a hard time remembering certain events and people. Lately I have been hanging out with friends that I had completely quit talking too years ago. Naturally we started been reminiscing about the past, and this seemed to be very difficult for me. I had absolutely no recollection of certain "eventful" moments or even days or weeks at a time. These are experiences that my friends clearly felt as being meaningful in one way or another. Either it being something that was really fun or crazy, or really bad. I have surprised my friends a few times now with my confused reaction of "what the hell are you talking about?"

After reading about amnesia that comes with DID I was starting to feel like it could be possible. Then I read about another common symptom that they described as a " inner turmoil, that feels like your always at war with your self". I can relate to that for sure. It seems like I am never content inside my head. Every experience and conversation is just hell for me because it feels like I never had a solid foundation to use to shape my opinions about things.

I have feel like most of my entire life has just been divided like the chapters of a book. Except it's not really my story, I'm just the glue holding it all together. Each chapter seems foreign and all I know about each chapter is the name of the title. I know my interactions with people and my views of life in each chapter are completely different. I found that out recently when hanging I started hanging out with old friends and the person they describe to me doesn't sound like me. "Wait I did what?" "why in the hell would I?" this type of thing. Just nothing about my life experiences seems right. I'm confusing the shIit out of my self just attempting to get it into words.

I read that most alters have their own identity and serve their own function in society. That makes sense because the things that I know have done and they way I used to act usually all seems completely foreign or just impossible to have happened right now. What got me though is that I read alters usually identify with different names, that I do not believe to be true. Except for that people insist they call me either one of a few names. These names though are all part of my name. Like I have people that call me by my last name, people that call me my first name, and people that call me my real birth name. This probably sounds ridiculous but I know I have identified with different names and lifestyles for along time. Could these be alters? or am I just over thinking it. After thinking about it, I know of one completely different person I took on during highschool with a name that was not attributed to my birth name. That whole period just kind of seems like a blur. I don't remember a lot about how "I" was during that time but I know from letters and yearbook comments that "I" was very popular, confident, and social. Which is just absolutely polar opposites what I think I am.

I have also had a very stressful childhood. I was physically and verbally abused (punished) by my dad while I was living in Milwaukee. I was constantly harassed by other students, I had lost a family member around the same time. It only got worse after. In high school I was sexually assaulted by the same person who just recently did it again.

When I was 18 I had to go to jail for a fight that I blacked out (no drugs or alcohol). From what I was told I had gone into and instant violent rage. I was saying some of the most hurtful and mean things (this is towards a family member mind you) I had HIT my own parents. I feel so ashamed about what had happened and was lost for words when they wanted an explanation. All I know is that something very powerful and mean had taken over my mind and body completely. This has happened many times this was just the first it ever happened at home. This same person was threatened by someone else with a bat. I had some friends with and after getting separated from the fight I was trying to get my friends to come with me to kill him! This is what scares me the most because it had also happened after the sexual assault. I was only looking to end these two persons life's. This is not me, I am not a violent person I am extremely timid and am almost always passive when people give me problems.

I have wrote letters that I don't remember writing at all. Just recently I wrote my aunt this really nice letter on Christmas day. She wrote me back a few days later and when I read her not I was so confused because she was referencing all these things I apparently said to her. I often just feel like I am just along for the ride while my mind decides how to react to situations in my life. I do things that are SO f*g irrational that I get furious and extremely scared (full blown panic) when I hear about them.

I have been looking answers as to why I do some of the things I do and nothing ever seems to really fit. I just want to figure out what is wrong with me before one of my "me's" makes an ultimately irreversible decision and I end up in jail for life or dead. Please help this is destroying me.

I should note that these rage episodes are not just a common reoccurring thing. They only come on when I am being or am perceiving threatened. I don't want people to think I'm some kind of sociopath or something. There were only two occasions where for some reason I wanted to kill the other person. And both times I was physically threatened and hurt.

Hmm maybe I am just to screwed up for my own good. If there isn't someone who can relate in one way or another on a forum dedicated to mental illness. I am pathetic!

Nobody can relate even a little? Sorry for being annoying but I really don't want to retype something like this, so ya I'm gonna re-post so this goes back up to the top. Thanks again guys

Well I don't quite have any of those issues, but I did have a stressful childhood and pleanty of my own problems that contributed to. So I can kinda relate. I only usually ever 'don't remember things' if drinking is involved Alcohol seems to be the only drug I've done that can actually make me forget what I did for a number of hours. Anyways it is true, symptoms of Aspergers can actually be confused for symptoms of Personality Disorders and I am starting to wonder if maybe I just have a personality disorder and no AS at all........but I fit so many of the symptoms for AS its hard for me to throw that out.

But yeah from what I've learned about personality disorders, they are very hard to treat and people with them tend to have patterns of behavior that just bring them down but its so intertwined into their personality to them they are just being them and don't really see anything wrong......its usually other people who notice and suggest treatment or they might go to treatment for a co-morbid disorder like depression or anxiety and then the symptoms are discovered.

Well I have the patterns of behavior that just make things worse for me down, I don't really feel like I can change myself.......as for thinking there is something wrong with me its more like I've just accepted that and don't except to change. So yeah I don't know. Sorry this probably is not very helpful or anything.

Sounds like C-PTSD to me, I pm'd you as well.