My problems keep adding up so I'm starting to think I have 'something'.
-Feeling 'empty', multiple depressions <20 yrs diagnosed when I was 16
-Self-harming by cutting 15-19 and a phase of drinking alcohol at home to forget at 18
-Hearing voices overday (or mistaking sounds for voices, never knew which of the two) with a peak from 13-15 yrs
-Believing to have paranormal powers 12-15 yrs, strongly interested in telepathy, telekinesis, ghosts ('sense' them), believing I could make things happen
-On the edge of having anorexia but they found out in time and helped (16 yrs)
-Obsession, most of the times about one single person, extreme dependance, most of the times also falling in love
-Not knowing how to act in public thus shutting down, except for people I trust and know for more than +-2 years
-Extremely naive until taught not to be (being taken advantage of, people making up stories,..)
-learn things like how to ride a bike and tie shoelaces >8 yrs, though considered really smart (when I'm interested) and talented during childhood (talented on multiple artistics fields >15yrs).
-No sense of identity "don't know who I am", feeling of having to act >11 yrs
-Androgynous look/behaviour >6 yrs, even transgender from 9-12 yrs old; wearing the same clothes for a long time, going outside without having had a shower for a couple of days <18yrs
-Considered really socially awkward/shy/weird/special when started in high school, but having friends throughout elementary school, never been bullied for being weird except when 15-16. alcohol makes me sliiightly more social but then I'm still more shy than the average sober person). people think I'm a geek for building (simple) websites when I was 8, loved drawing/computergames more than the average person and was really good at it, didn't like games like hide and seek (but I did play along). I also tend to get obsessed about a band and its lead singer, I call it being a very passionate fan but people around me call it an obsession. Always had a couple of friends but never a love life. Don't like social things like parties but sometimes I have to go in order to see good friends again.
-Still acting and looking like someone who's 5 years younger, "not wanting to grow up" This scared me a lot the past year because I'm getting into the phase of learning how to drive/college/working/... I HATE to have responsibility and I don't have it at all, I mess up every time I get the chance
-Serious lack of motivation regarding school, work, money, household; no routine at all
-Giving the impression of not being interested (friendship/love) when I am in social situations
-Have suffered multiple times from insomnia, occasional cases of sleep paralysis >15yrs, sleeping through the day when I was 16, going to sleep at 04h30 being slightly scared (right now)
-Played with dead animals, 'testing' if I was cruel enough to harm animals/insects <10 yrs
-Hyperventilation due to being scared/forced to do things I was scared of when I knew it was actually safe (mostly in PE; I hated PE) 11-19 yrs; now I don't hyperventilate anymore (cause people don't force me to do things anymore - I think I would still be able to have it) but now and then get panic attacks for no apparent reason.
-Being scared at parties, strongly dislike the crowd/the noise and having to get out of it when it gets too much, then I feel bad and sometimes cry/breathe faster/panic
-Trouble with talking about feelings, except for 1 person
-Feeling worthless(>15yrs), different(>8yrs), less than other people(>11yrs), socially inept(>14yrs),
-At times I feel good I'm louder than an average person (singing loud in public, acting 'weird')
-Stubborn, not willing to go over my personal boundaries (PE in elementary school for example - ended up in crying/running away/getting mad/panic attack), dislike being touched/hugged/... but that only started during elementary school
-Shutting down when stressed, extreme need of praise, not being the best gets me demotivated
-Continuously being slightly scared/stressed/not knowing how to act. Weed sometimes triggers a panic attack
-I love to be at home - usually I only go outside (by free will) to meet my 2 best friends. I do meet other friends but this is only once a month maybe, or when they 'force' me. Preferably in my room with the curtains closed
-Really emotionally sensitive, by example, I felt bad for 2 years about losing friends I have known for just 5 months. Feeling hurt very quickly. Physically sensitive: complaining about backache as a kid, allergic rhinitis, shower gels making me itchy, crying when someone's brushing my hair, sneezing a lot
I'm thinking about going to a therapist but now I just wonder. or is this normal?
14 Jan 2012, 6:38 pm
