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Are there "Things you can change" vs "things

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ialdabaoth
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25 Mar 2012, 1:03 pm

I seem to have an utter inability to distinguish between 'things I can change' and 'things I cannot change'.

I believe that this inability to distinguish between things that I can change and things that I cannot change is something that I can't change, but how would I know? And even though I don't believe I can change it, I still try to.

I keep winding up in situations where I feel horrible about myself for things that I believe are out of my control, and wind up blaming myself - literally - for the weather, or other people's decisions, or incidents of international politics, or my physiology.

My criteria for blame has NOTHING to do with agency; it has everything to do with "did this affect something that matters to me?"

If an event affects something that matters to me, than I am to blame for that event.

"But there's nothing I could do!" is NOT an excuse.

I do not believe that I can change this attitude, even though I try. I have strong evidence that I cannot change this attitude, given the decades of time I've spent trying to change it. Then again, I could easily have been sabotaging all my attempts to change it.



questor
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25 Mar 2012, 2:36 pm

I had a problem with this growing up and as a young adult. With the perspective of time, and life experience I've gotten better at dealing with the things I can't change. Granted, they still bother me, but I can handle it better. I think in your case, you are probably sabotaging your efforts to cope with them. You want to fix things that are wrong--who doesn't--and aren't willing to just let go when it is something beyond your control. But remember, you do have control over how you react to things you can't change. You get to choose your behavior in those matters. Time to start making better choices in that department.


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If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away.--Henry David Thoreau


ialdabaoth
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25 Mar 2012, 2:42 pm

questor wrote:
I had a problem with this growing up and as a young adult. With the perspective of time, and life experience I've gotten better at dealing with the things I can't change. Granted, they still bother me, but I can handle it better. I think in your case, you are probably sabotaging your efforts to cope with them. You want to fix things that are wrong--who doesn't--and aren't willing to just let go when it is something beyond your control. But remember, you do have control over how you react to things you can't change. You get to choose your behavior in those matters. Time to start making better choices in that department.


How? And I don't mean, "what practical choices are better", I mean, "knowing that certain choices are practically better, how do you will to make them?"



caveman2
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27 Mar 2012, 12:14 am

I love that word, just became aware of it the past couple of years listening to the atheist folks.

Most people in this world are firmly convinced that some agent (call it ...) is responsibile for everything.

A person I know thinks someone should "pay" for pain from a vehicle crash.

I heard somewhere today that perhaps wisdom begins with the abandonment of seeking wisdom.

Hmmmm



SillyEnigma
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23 May 2012, 11:35 am

I think i ccontrol everything, too.