OCD, ways to control it?

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I'm pretty sure I have OCD, but I'm not sure what, if anything, I should do about it.

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Here's my story-

I remember the very first time I heard about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. There was a special on TV about it when I was a child. I remember the things that the sufferers said... that they had obsessions with certain numbers, had to do certain things (often a certain number of times), and that the compulsions came with an anxious feeling, a fear that if they didn't do it, something bad could happen. I was fascinated by it. All I could think was, "Wow. I totally know what they're going through", especially when they talked about the anxious feeling. But I thought, "Nah. These guys seem hardcore. I don't wash my hands ten times when I leave the bathroom. I guess, if anything, I'm mild." But the thought always lingered in the back of my head, especially whenever I did something on a compulsion, "I must have a little OCD..."

Fast forward a few years. I was a young teenager, very low self-confidence, very poor self-esteem... I confided to a boyfriend that I thought I might have OCD... "No way. You don't have OCD. That's ridiculous." Heh. I guess so, whatever you say, person that I was too shy to argue against. I let it leave my mind after that. I didn't think about it for a few years. Whenever I followed a compulsion, I ignored it. "It's normal", I thought. But now, almost 10 years since that, I'm reading about it again... and wow. I'm starting to think, "I was right all along."

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Here are a few things that have always affected me, from an undetermined beginning (somewhere in early childhood), until now:

* Obsession with the number 2. I need to do things in 2's. I take two cookies at a time; I kiss my boyfriend in twos; I count every bite I take (need an even number); if I light one candle, I light a second one; I adjust the volume (on radio, TV, etc) to an even number; I take an even number of steps down a given walkway; I even give up the last (cracker, scoop, grape, chip, etc) if it ends on an odd number, even if I really want another one.

* I either skip every other step on a stairwell (if safely possible), or skip the very last step (if skipping every other is not possible, such as with steep steps, wet steps, or spiral stairwells.)

* I connect "points" in my vision very often. Sometimes I see a few pinholes in the wall, and I count them in sets of twos, repeatedly. This happens even when I don't want to be distracted, like when I'm trying to watch a video. I feel very uneasy if the number of holes turns out to be odd. I feel a relief if they turn out to be even. I can recall one particular time when I was outside under an overhang that had 14 lightbulbs lit- technically, it was three rows of five, but one bulb was burnt out. It calmed me in a very weird way.

* I also read/repeat letters and numbers in my head, usually after reading them around me. The numbers are usually either by themselves (like a one-letter channel logo in the corner of a TV show), or just the first letter of a longer word (like the brand name written on the TV monitor itself.) I will read one of them in my head, like "B, B, B..." then switch to another one, "N, N, N..." sometimes switching between them, "B, N, B, N..." I can't help it and it's really hard to stop. My eyes just flicker to the letter/number and I think of it again. It takes a lot of work to fight it, and I end up with an uneasy, pent-up anxiety kind of feel whenever I try to. This is the worst symptom that I have right now, and the only reason I'd wish for help with this condition (as of this time.)

* I cannot sleep if the bottoms of my feet and/or ears are uncovered. My feet, at least the bottoms of my feet, must, must always be covered either with a blanket, pillow, or socks (though socks are not preferred.) I lived in a vehicle during summer for a brief time. Even then, when a blanket would have been too hot, I put a towel over my feet because I simply could not sleep without it. I also always cover my ear with my hair. I couldn't imagine cutting my hair short, because I think I'd freak out and be lost if I tried to sleep. I've had both of these requirements for as far back as I can remember. (I shudder when I think of how I must've slept as a short-haired infant... *shudders*)


Here are some things that used to affect me when I was younger (as a child or teenager) that I have since learned to manage:

* Hoarding. I used to feel really bad whenever I had to throw things out for two reasons. 1) The potential practical use the object might have had at some indeterminate point in the future, and 2) That I would feel bad for the object. It's stupid, I know, but I used to really feel strongly that if an object did not get to be used to its full potential, its "life" was a waste (although I was also fully aware that it never had a "life". That irrationality is one of the reasons I was eventually able to break from this.) I had a horrifying mess of a bedroom for many years. I only fully cleaned it when I moved out of my parents' house at age 20, throwing out things that I'd had since I was 6 years old, in the process.

* Physical compulsions. In particular, I used to do this thing where I would put my hand to my mouth, then point out at things (kind of like blowing a kiss. I even used to think of it as that.) I had that tight, anxious feeling whenever I had the urge to do it... and again, I would only do it in even numbers. I eventually stopped after my mom made fun of me for it (yeah... she wasn't exactly understanding.) It was really hard, but at least her pointing it out made me realize just how bizarre it was. That helped me to stop.

* Odd rituals. When I lived in my parents' house, I always had to touch every doorknob that I passed when I left/entered my bedroom. It was cumbersome, but I even had to do it if I was carrying several things (normally, that was accomplished via a bump with my arm, if my hands were full.) I eventually was able to limit this urge to merely touching one particular knob (a closet across from my doorway.) For most of my teenage years, that one knob was all I needed. Now, after living on my own for a couple years, I don't feel the urge anymore (whether in my new home, nor when I return there.) I had other things that I used to just have to touch, like reaching across my desk to touch a corner twice. Most of the exact memories of that have faded away, but I still remember the feeling of compulsion.


Here are some things I do only in adulthood, that didn't bother me as a kid:

* I always double-check that my car is locked. Even if I hear the click or see the little tab go down, I must make sure it can't open. Even if the car has a button that beeps when I lock it, I must make it beep twice.

* I have to close/lock the door(s) behind me. My front door is always locked, even though we are in a gated community and have never had problems with the neighbors. I just need it locked. I close my bedroom door every time I sleep, even though it's only my boyfriend and I in our apartment. I just can't sleep if the door is open. It bothers me too much.

* I cannot use a plate/bowl/fork/spoon/pot/pan/cooking utensils if they have even a speck left on them from previous usage. I have to get that speck off, then thoroughly clean the rest of the plate/bowl/etc. However, it should be noted that my mother was a "neat-freak" and never would have allowed a speck to remain on a plate. So I might either have had this issue earlier, but never had to worry about it, OR I might be taking a cue from my mom. I didn't visit friends often, let alone eat with them, so I don't really have any childhood anecdotes to compare this to outside of meals with family.

* I am incredibly meticulous about turn signals when driving. I don't know if this is an OCD trait, an AS trait, or a little of both, but I put on my turn signal as soon as it's appropriate and won't be ambiguous, and turn it off as soon as I make my turn/switch lanes. I used to think this was pretty normal, but my bf seems to be the complete opposite of me in this regard. Every time we drive, I have to remind him to turn off his turn signal. Sometimes I just reach over and turn it off for him. (Luckily, he doesn't actually mind that.)

* Also, I always have to spell/grammar-check everything I type (whether on here or elsewhere.) If I ever find an issue, I must edit it immediately or else the thought does not leave me alone. If it's something that I can't edit, I must delete it. If it's something that I can't edit nor delete, the thought of it just pops up and bugs me at random times, on random days, until I think about how long it's been and how inconsequential it is by now...

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There is likely more that I can't even think of right now. But yeah, I'm pretty damn sure I have OCD. I also have many times where I wish I didn't. The obnoxious counting and letter/number repeating occur every day and have definitely impacted my ability to pay full attention (in the past as well as present.) My issue, though, is that I'm scared of my insurance rates going up if I go to see a doctor about it and get officially diagnosed. It's not simply my worry that I will get diagnosed with OCD, either, but that I will get diagnosed with Asperger's (or PDD-NOS, if the Dr. so deems it.) If I recall my past, I'm bound to end up explaining situations that describe my Aspie tendencies, too. Yet, I've learned enough coping mechanisms to be able to function well. If I were rich, I'd love to have a diagnosis for my AS (even if simply for peace of mind, or to convince my mother), but right now it's simply impractical. I know how much insurance rates can soar after such diagnoses, and I just can't afford it right now. However, I'd love to be able to sit through a class or a movie without occasionally counting the lights or mentally repeating a number written on the wall, thereby missing some possibly vital information. But I'm currently unemployed and I just can't afford an increase to my bills. Are there any tips that other OCD sufferers can give me? I feel as though I've already made great strides overcoming a lot of symptoms in my childhood, but these ones that are entirely within my mind... well, I just don't know what to do.

Weird thing is, I always fancied odd numbers instead - particularly 5.

This will be generic, but I think that for any compulsions to be eliminated, as I think happens when old ones fade away, we need to find out the source. Admittedly, this can be difficult and even if we realize what it is elimination still requires more effort.

For example, for the last few years I had this really annoying habit to look up at the ceiling lamp, regardless of whether I'm trying to concentrate elsewhere - this, I found out, was due to the excessive light hurting my eyes while switched on, which kind of leaves a mark on the psyche even while off - but, of course, it's inevitably difficult to lower the light's intensity when it's rented.

Would you know where this habit of reading letters came from?