I suffer from from Bipolar and BDD and I am dating an Aspie

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Hello! I need advice on helping my Aspie understand my Body Dysmorphic Disorder. He has no problem understanding my Bipolar. I'm 26 have been medicated for a few years now and see my psychiatrist regularly, so my condition is as manageable as it is able to be. We actually bond the most over the fact that we are different from everyone else, and people view us as strange, yet we found the exact same weirdness in each other.

He embraces every quirk about me, except one. My BDD. He doesn't seem to understand it. He looks at it from a logical stand point. I am very attractive to him and others, so that is fact and I should except it and move on. He insists that I try to fish for compliments, which is far from the case! I can NOT see myself properly. I need advice on how I look, because I can't see the reality. I'll stare at myself in the mirror forever, picking apart my looks and being disgusted at the flaws. It is like a car crash, you know it's horrible to look at, but can't look away! He thinks this is me being conceited. He says I could wear sweats every day and put my hair up in a ponytail and it wouldn't matter to him. I know he means it when he says it, because looks aren't very important to him. This only reaffirms my hideousness because he does not care how ugly I am.

I have been trying to get help with my BDD, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I know it's a slow process. The reality of my looks are that, to most people, I am very attractive. I have a "gorgeous" face and perfect hourglass measurements. This is what people tell me. I disagree heavily. He has even told me that he can't believe someone that looks like me, would want to be with him. I do not know how to take any sort of compliment, so I stay silent or remind people of my flaws. I know compliments are few and far between for him, so when he says it, he means it. It's my own neurosis and I'm trying to get better.

The Aspie part of him wants to problem solve it for me. He once told me I felt hollow and should gain weight in muscle mass to be healthier. I know he was just trying to be helpful, but I have dwelled on this heavily ever since. I added that to the list of disgusting things about myself. He also tries to get me to eat more. He states it's not to have me gain weight, but to just be healthy and eat regularly. This is actually the only thing we have a disagreement about.

Part of my therapy is to talk positive things about myself to people I am close to. Being that I am closest to him, I try to include him in a conversation about how I noticed something I like about my looks. He'll look at me and say "you know you're gorgeous, stop fishing."

I, on one hand, can't see the "prettiness" that he does, and he can't comprehend the ugliness that I view to be reality. I'm terrified this will annoy him so bad, he'll leave.

I apologize for the length. I didn't realize how long I rambled.

I'm curious. I do believe you suffer from BDD. What I was wondering is do folks with BDD always tend to remind people they have BDD? Do they go on and on about how horrible they look or do they keep it to themselves? I ask because if I lived with someone with BDD, but they didn't bring their insecurities to my attention, they'd be easy to live with. If, however, they were telling me every day they're fat, or they're hideous, or they look like Quasimodo, or they look like something the cat dragged in then they definitely be testing the limits of our relationship.

I can only speak for myself, because I'm sure people suffer differently to certain extents. I didn't voice my view of myself to almost anyone for a very long time. I already knew I was grotesque and didn't need anyone to confirn it. I suffered in silence and only thought people would compliment me because they felt sorry for me. For the longest time I didn't even want to leave the house. I was ashamed of how ugly I was and didn't want anyone to see me. Plus, the paranoia of them discussing how horribly unattractive I am. This, however, was before I met him.

There are still days I don't want to leave the house because I'm embarrassed of the way I look, and this usually starts the debate. Or, he'll catch me looking in the mirror and know I am unhealthily obsessing. Do I constantly nag about my looks to him? No. However, are there days when I ask him if I look different? Yes. It's not a whining of "I'm so fat! I'm so hideous! Why do you like me?!" it's more of "Have I gained weight, or is it just me? When I put my hair up, do I look like an elf?" Sometimes, I just need the reassurance it's just in my head. I'm not supposed to vocalize the truly negative thoughts because it's not healthy, so I try very hard not to. He thinks because he's already stated it once, there should be no more discussion. What he does not understand is it is a constant battle in my head. I might get over one flaw, only to obsess over a new one.

Wow! What a condition is BDD. I take it seriously whenever I hear someone is suffering from it because the suicide rate of folks with BDD is higher than any group - 80%. That number is so high it's ridiculous. And I guess I don't understand it. young man, very good looking, killed himself a few months ago and his father went on a 600 mile walk to raise awareness for it. It is a horrible affliction. I know they use therapy and anti-depressants to treat it. I hope yours turns out well.

Can't you point out your "flaws" to him, and ask him to explain why he disagrees with you? I personally have body dysmorphic disorder, which currently is under control, and in the past, I used to be completely convinced of that I absolutely needed to get plastic surgery - my nose was the most horrible part. It became the worst when I started comparing myself to a videogame character, that looked a lot alike me, except his nose was "perfect", and mine wasn't. It took me years to get over, but I later have realized that that character had a more feminine nose, which would look bad on my face. I am a guy, after all, so I should have a more guy-like nose, then, shouldn't I? I later also have realized that I look much better than the vast majority of guys, and even have been told this by someone who works as a model - but around four years ago, I would still keep telling myself that "I may look better than pretty much everyone, but that's still not good enough". I don't even know what brought me out of thinking that way, but I think it had to do with that I over and over was told how great I look by girls I talked to, on the Internet... so maybe it wasn't true that it wasn't good enough, after all? Today I understand this, but I still can't go outside without putting on make-up, and looking at least close to my best - if I don't, I have to go in the night, when there's less activity, outside. Needless to say, it makes it very difficult for me to live, but it's much better than before, at least. >_>

Recently, I watched a program about people addicted to plastic surgery. There was a woman in the program who looked just horrible, after all her surgeries. The worst was that she had been very pretty, before, but her lack of self-esteem, regarding her looks, had ruined it all... I felt so sad for her, and she still just felt "okay" about her looks, at the best of days, as she said - the surgeries had not made anything better, even in her distorted view. I also realize that if I would've had the money, that could've been me. Strange how those who look the best, frequently feel it's just not good enough, anyway - if it isn't some part of the forehead, it's the nose, and when, like with me, I realize that my nose looks great, anyway, I suddenly find a glaring fault with it that I have missed, all along - suddenly, the one side of it is about a millimetre different at a small place, and so it has a flaw in its symmetry. Or my cheek, which is a tiny bit shorter on the one side - how that hasn't annoyed me. If it isn't all that, it's scars, instead. It's never good enough! Nowadays, I just try to focus on the scars, though. :/ I became pretty happy, also, when I found out that temporary use of almond oil, on the skin of my face, improves the way the skin looks, for a fairly long time. However, using it for more than maybe three days or so led to the skin by my nose cracking - it became very dry (that's right, applying oil can make it less fatty, and removing the skin's own fat, without replacing it with some other, skin-compatible fat, just makes it even more fatty and uneven).

I wish you could listen to those around you - can't you just try to accept that maybe what they are saying is true, after all? By the way, do you have a lot of OCD, otherwise? Because my OCD has become less overwhelming, since sometime last year, and recently I discovered that flaws I previously had discovered, on two objects I had bought, weren't more than maybe a fifth as bad as I previously had imagined. Yet, when I first discoved a flaw on the cup, in August of 2010, I couldn't believe that I hadn't managed to notice that "glaring" fault, when I investigated the cup, before I bought it. I think BDD works the same way. During that time, I had a very difficult time, so that was why I got so focused, in regards to flaws... because I had so little positive to think about. I'm not saying you're unhappy, as you have a guy you're into, but could it be that something else, other than your "flaws", currently is troubling you?

I think you need to explain to him that you aren't trying to get attention.... it just doesn't feel "good enough" - whatever that is. However, *he* thinks it's good enough, right? And if the guy you love feels that way about you (and others even agree with him), then shouldn't it then *be* good enough, after all...? There are people who even have amputated legs because of BDD - because having the leg "felt wrong" (I assure you, it has happened). I used to hate it when people told me that I looked great - because, why would they say that...? Were they trying to be kind? Were they just lying? Were they completely ignorant of what beauty is? And when girls smiled at me, I thought it was for another reason, altogether. But if the guy you are with is very happy with how you are, then can't you try to embrace that, just like other things you have embraced about him? And while most do tell you that you look good - if someone, some day, would say that you look just "average", then why should you care? There are opinions about everything, in this world, including looks.

...Just noticed your new post, now that I were to post this. I know how it is, with it being a constant battle - indeed, you forget about one flaw and find another. I think you should explain this, to him, if you haven't, already... that it's a constant battle, and you just want to hear that you are pretty, every now and then. Don't ask him to explain why, though - pretty is pretty, and there isn't really a good answer to "why", except for generalized explanations. The answer "because you are" would be a pretty accurate answer, I would say.

Thank you both for your insight. I really appreciate it

I absolutely understand the plastic surgery issue. Funny, my nose is also something I heavily obsess over. I wonder if that is one of the most commonly hated features from people with BDD. I also, sadly, do know of the stories of people who amputate for cosmetic purposes. It affects people in different ways, and I am thankful that I do not suffer from that aspect.

When you say "I may look better than everyone else, but it still isn't good enough" I completely understand what you mean. You asked about my OCD. I do suffer from what my pdoc explains as internal OCD. With my Bipolar, I have a constant inner dialogue in my head. It never shuts up and I am usually thinking about at least five things at once. One thing I will fixate on in my mind is beauty. I find something ugly in everything. Even with the guy I am with now, I find him absolutely beautiful. But then I will notice something, a freckle here, an uneven hairline from a haircut. I never voice this, because it's ridiculous. There are so many things I love about his features I try to divert my mind to those instead. There is no such thing as perfection for me, because if I found it, I would still critique it.

You ask if there is something else troubling me. Yes. It's not anything that I could pinpoint though. My internal dialogue obsesses over things that have not happened. I am a very pessimistic person by nature. I try cognitive tricks to stop this and hopefully with time it will lesson. I have felt like this ever since I can remember. I'm not sure if as I got older, the bipolar just intensified it. It took a long time to find the right cocktail of meds to keep me (half-way) sane, not a zombie, and not suicidal anymore. I'm finding the BDD is harder to get over than dealing with the Bipolar.

I wish I could trust what people say is true, but as you know, it's easier said than done. I'm going to try again to explain that I need reassurance once in a while without an explanation like you suggested. Maybe, if I hear it enough from someone I find to be as close to perfection that I can find, I can start to trick my mind into believing what he says is true.

If you have any other tricks or tips that you used to almost overcome your BDD completely, I would love to know. My pdoc can only cover so much in the short time I can afford to spend with her and she mostly focuses on my Bipolar.

I'm pretty sure I have BDD. I tick all the boxes etc. but my last psychiatrist was an idiot, didn't even listen to my complaints, and said that I don't have it.

I have a new psychiatrist in September, and I'm gonna bring it up again.

As for your boyfriend, I don't know how to help sorry I usually ditch people in my life that won't try to even understand, and I know he tries, but I have no patience xD