Self esteem and almost ´paranoid´ on percieved negative cues

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Hi everyone,

I'm a 20 year old female who hasn't been (officially) diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. I recognize myself in some of the symptoms. Maybe I am an aspie, maybe I have a severe form of Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don't know.

The thing is that I have very low self esteem. Almost to the point of feeling worthless, abnormal, stupid. I feel like no one genuinely likes me. When someone is nice to me I like it, but I always have a feeling in the back of my mind like: 'he/she is just being nice to me because she feels sorry for me/thinks I'm stupid and/or weird, and he/she doesn't want to hurt me or be rude'. Even with my friends I feel like they are being nice to me because they don't want to hurt me, not because they genuinely like me'. When I meet new people, and they ask me out, it's the same. I only feel truly comfortable with my mom and brother, not even with friends (although I feel more comfortable with them than with strangers). Also, when I talk to people I always ask myself if I did good or not.

When I walk down the street and someone looks at me (just a little bit too long for my idea, boy or girl) I get insecure. When I raise my hand in class and the teacher doesn't answer me, I get insecure. I think it's because I'm not good enough and too weird/stupid. When I walk into the communal kitchen and I say 'goodevening' (thats normal to do here in france, when you walk in) and one person doesn't say 'goodevening' back to me, I think it's because of me. Because she thinks I'm stupid, not likeable and weird.

My cousin recently deleted me from facebook. I have no idea why, because I don't think I post offensive things on my wall. And i only post maybe once a 2 weeks. She left my cousin who she never even met on there... She basically only removed me of the family. That also for exemple makes me very very very insecure. I start to think: 'Am I so incredibly annoying/unlikable that even my own cousin removes me from facebook?' And I can seriously think about that for days. It keeps me busy and it almost makes me slightly depressed when I think about it too much. But it's like I have to keep thinking about it.

A few days ago, a classmate that I had gotten to know walked inside the classroom and she made a joke. She looked at almost everyone but me. So I got really insecure that she didn't give me eyecontact (even though we talked later on, and she invited me to do a sleepover). I thought: 'she thinks I'm weird and socially akward and not worth to impress'.
Suppose I go out with a friend, and we get in a conversation with another person. When I notice that that person makes more eyecontact with my friend (while talking to us both) I also get insecure. It makes me think I am less interesting/likeable or desireable.

Obviously these are just a few examples. I have dozens of these thoughts/moments throughout a day. I'm almost paranoid on negative reactions from other people. I think about it so much and it makes me feel bad about myself. It's like.. I started to believe that I am weird/unlikable/stupid/annoying and I see that confirmed everyday. Like a vicious circle.

So I've been feeling very weird. It's like my feelings go from slightly depressed and worried to 'hopefull' and a little happy (when I get some form of social 'reinforcement' (like an invitation, or a dance with a nice boy), althought that feeling of happiness lasts very short, because afterwards i start worrying again). Not a day in my life goes bye without worrying about everything, about me, about other peoples actions. Even the tiniest of things. At first I didn't want to aknowledge that I have a bad self image. I wanted to be strong. I thought of myself as strong and confident. But I just can't lie to myself anymore. I don't love myself. And I don't think others love me either. And my life feels empty a lot of the times. I miss something... but I don't exactly know what. And I don't know what makes me happy.

Does anyone recognize what I am writing? Is this typical for aspergirls or not? It would be so nice to find someone that can relate to me.

Have you researched social anxiety disorder? You sound like you have it.

Really?

Because sometimes I feel like everything is wrong with me, and that it goes beyond 'social anxiety'. Because I also feel extremely akward in social situations and around people. I always feel like I have to say something cool. Sometimes I don't really know what to say when someone says something to me. thats why i think i might be an aspie.

I just saw on an aquaintance's facebook that she was going out tonight. We met together in the beginning with 3 other people from our country. We were so happy to have found countrymates. In the very beginning, they always invited me. We did alot together the first week and it was always like: 'hey do you want to come with us too on friday? we're going out to bla blah blah'. And now, when I see a message like 'going out tonight to blabla club and after do blabla club! yah!' I get really insecure and think: why didn't she invite me? She must think I am not worth it to invite. She probably doesn't like me so much. And then that hurts me because I think she will go out with the other two girls that we met (together) in the beginning. Off course its easier for them to settle things because they live in the same residence universitaire (I am the only one that doesn't live with them), but still...

I can worry about these things for ever. it's crazy

Sounds to me like your self esteem is low because you are focussed on what might be wrong with you rather than what is right with you. By all means explore your diagnosis, but it is more important to understand your full self including the things that are attracting people to you in the first place. You have a lot to offer.

I found this site posted by another member here, and have been doing the exercises therein. I find that my thoughts are alot like yours, and I suffer a good deal of anxiety and paranoia, being unable to read non verbal cues and facial expressions. I am surprised by how much I suffer from my own thoughts! Maybe you'd like to check out this site?
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I don't think that's really paranoia. Maybe you just perceive some subtle cues which are really meant for a given purpose (excluding you from a group, trying to 'manage' you because you give them the feeling that you're different etc.). From my personal experience I know that people can be very judgemental. And it is not what they do intentionally, not in most of the cases, maybe there's something different (not wrong) about you and they try to avoid you unconsciously.

Paranoia is when you think they conspire against you and plan to do you something bad. It is a pathologic way of thinking.
You're just a bit too worried (i've read that aspies could be constantly preoccupied to not become the target of bullying or rejection) that there is something wrong with you. But you shouldn't care too much about the other's impression because your self image is what it really counts.

However you will never satisfy them, even if you try to become one of them. They smile at you and in the next second talk behind your back.
Really pointless to think about it.

Yes, good points. I didn´t really know what the definition of ´paranoia´ was. I mean that was very alert on these kinds of cues. And maybe that I draw negative conclusions from every little thing that doesn't even matter. The thing is that I don't know if it's true wat I'm thinking, or that my mind is just playing tricks on me (being too negative, wrong conclusions, too alert, etc).

But it makes me feel horrible about myself nontheless. My self image/esteem is what counts but these things just make it tumble over and over again.
I wish I could just be normal, like the rest of the world. Everyday I question myself: 'what is wrong with me'?

I have the same exact issue as you. I am 19 yrs old now but have experienced this since early adolescence. I have no idea what helps.

Perhaps you should stop applying the 10 point rating system on yourself. Don't you feel guilty about yourself when you rate others? Meaning that you knock yourself down every time you are less than 10.