Diagnose Me

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Just Curious. I won't take it too seriously, I just want diagnosis input, ideas, opinions.

I think too much. I'm scatter brained. I have to focus on every detail in order to put it in the right order so I don't screw up, for instance in a single sentence. Same with everything else. I'm hyper aware. I can't really stop focusing. For awhile it was too much, because I could not forget and now I can organize it better. I take Abilify 30mgs, but I'm quitting the stimulant medications, no they did not cause psychosis.

They just make me irritable and if I don't sleep, I'll be getting too creative tossing thoughts or ideas in my head because i can't shut my brain off. I had a nervous breakdown at age fifteen. At age sixteen I walked into the psychiatrist office and found "schizophrenia, undifferentiated" circled on the file. They hadn't even told me. My parents acted upset? I figure they would've known, but they got a little upset in my memory at first. Then my dad became utterly convinced of it. BTW, my dad's a fixed mindset type person. Once he thinks something, he doesn't change his mind.

I can't disagree with him much, etc.
I don't have mood swings, they say it's cuz I take Abilify which is an anti-psychotic. I have taken it alone for six years and haven't had mood swings. But at seventeen I was hospitalized for breaking a cup expressing outrage at my mom over her blame. They fabricated my behavior, when I was put on Geodon I started having crying spells and fatigue, so that's where the mood component first came into play.

A councilor told me I would not have my proper memories anymore, due to schizophrenia, and that "only the psychiatrist who prescribes you medication can verify your accurate memories" that made me a tad uneasy. So no wonder i got a little paranoid right?

But the Geodon actually induced hearing voices and paranoia specifically, after 30 minutes of ingesting it. I kept a journal btw and I have an amazing memory recall, somewhat photographic. I'm extremely visual, but there's so much visual input I have to learn to reprogram the stimulus or I can get bad patterns...and I visualize bad patterns.

I'm never depressed, honestly, I get bored or tired. I'm usually in good spirits considering how sh***y my life has been, and I try to be grateful when it feels like a joke sometimes. I can be both positive and cynical. I relapsed after a year off Abilify, and this was the cup incident. It wasn't an actual relapse.

But I noticed now, after five steady years or so on Abilify that I will begin to collapse mentally after time without Abilify. Abilify seems to have a stimulating effect on me, it gives me happy dreams. It makes me happy, IDK why. It also makes me fall asleep.

Anyways, anyone on here brilliant enough to accurately diagnose me? Now that it's all summed up neatly for someone to read with the bs other opinions on file.

No

Not even a professional doctor can diagnose ANYONE over the internet.

If you want to get off your pills then gradually stop taking them so you dont get withdrawls which can trigger symptoms.

Your doctors sound incompetent. How would a doctor know your true memories. Even if you had false ones the doctor didnt raise you. Get a new doc.

Going to the psych ward for smashing a cup? What the f***? Ive done way worse things such as smashing out the windows in Safeway with a shopping cart, reckless driving, and other agressive behaviour as well as going through several month episodes or not being able to function and I have NEVER been commited.
Actually I wonder how people get commited to the psych ward at all. Maybe its just no ones ever reported anything I do.

Hmm...well I'm no doctor, but you already said you aren't taking what anyone says very seriously, so I suppose I could put in my 2 cents.

You do sound like you have ADHD, which you already know. You think a lot (you did not specify if the thoughts are ruminating thoughts, so I assume not). You are scattered. You hyperfocus. You say you cannot shut your brain off sometimes. That all sounds about right.

Some things you mentioned that might indicate schizophrenia: you said you have to focus a lot to put words/thoughts in order. If this or other language processing tasks are difficult for you, that could be a sign of schizophrenia.

Have the voices and paranoia gone away since you got the Geodon out of your system?

There are some things you said that make me question their insistence that you have schizophrenia.

First off, most schizophrenics, at least at first, are 100% certain that they are not paranoid and that their delusions and hallucinations are real. You have not made those assertions and seem open to the idea that you might have schizophrenia.

Your parents sound controlling and unbending. Your dad is unlikely to change his mind once it's made up. Your parents sent you to a mental hospital for throwing a cup...unless you were throwing it at your mom, trying to hurt her, I really don't think their reaction was justified or appropriate. You have not trashed them in your post, so it seems if you are paranoid, it isn't towards them, which must be some kind of miracle. Maybe I am misunderstanding, but they do sound like they've put you through some tough times.

They tried to diagnose you with schizophrenia at a very young age. Yes, children can have it. But it is unusual. Usually, the child's behavior would have to be heavily psychotic to get that diagnosis. You have not had any mood swings since you started Abilify, but what about before?

They put you on stimulant medications...this is usually not done with schizophrenics.

You say you think too much. What is the predominant nature of your thoughts? Are your thoughts typically negative?

Do you have any enemies? Is there anyone you suspect might be trying to cause you trouble?

Do you talk a lot? If not, why? Is it hard for you to get words out?

Do you have any friends? If you have no friends, do you want any? Or are you happy to be alone?

How is your personal hygiene and self-care? Do you follow the norms of hygiene, like bathing daily?

Do you smoke?

Do you think people look at you and think you are weird or look eccentric?

Do you ever see things out of the corner of your eye, but when you turn to look at them, they're not there?

Do you ever hear background music or noise others don't hear?

Are you ever accused of staring at people?

Can you describe more about the cup-breaking incident? What was your mom blaming you for? Why did it outrage you so much? You say they fabricated your behavior. Did they lie to the doctors?

Can you explain what you mean when you say you have to "reprogram the stimulus"? What bad patterns do you get?

Has your schizophrenia diagnosis been confirmed by MRI?

Would you say your thinking and/or speech are so disorganized, you are unable to function as a result?

It can be very difficult to work out what really happened during a period when you were having psychotic symptoms. Perhaps putting all of your faith in the psychiatrist is not the best idea, but if you have someone you know can be trusted when you are well, I would suggest that they can be a good source of information for you when you are feeling paranoid and experiencing things differently. Bear in mind that when you are ill it is more likely to be you than them that has changed.

If you are really unhappy with your diagnosis you could always ask for a second opinion, although be prepared that they may well say the same thing that the first psychiatrist said.

If it is the medication itself that is the issue (many of these meds do cause side effects so it is important to get the brand and dose that works best for you) then keep pushing your psychiatrist to change it and change again until you are happy with what you are on - even if it takes some considerable time to do this as you will need to taper off or on to any new drug.

Schizophrenia can be a lifelong condition with many relapses, or you might never relapse again. I do know people who manage to work with the condition, one of them is an engineer, although he has not disclosed his illness to his employers.

I hope you are able to manage your mental health and enjoy life going forwards - whatever label they want to stick on you

Can't diagnose you online, but the three things I'd be looking at are ADHD, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Possibly a mix of those three.

I would be very nervous about someone telling me to trust a doctor over my own memories, and I don't have paranoid symptoms. It's just something that's rife for abuse. What if the doctor does something to hurt you and then convinces you it never happened? Sadly, psychiatric abuse is a serious issue. Even if you do have memory impairment (which is apparently common in schizophrenia), I would not trust any one person to verify your memories.

These are a lot of questions, but yeah maybe it'll help?

They tried to diagnose you with schizophrenia at a very young age. Yes, children can have it. But it is unusual. Usually, the child's behavior would have to be heavily psychotic to get that diagnosis. You have not had any mood swings since you started Abilify, but what about before?

I never had any difficulties as a child, it was 15 when I finally lost control of myself. I am not sure, I think I had mania or that's just what I'm prone to, ugh, a very good memory too, but I can't remember everything, it's varied...but...um I have PTSD I think.

They put you on stimulant medications...this is usually not done with schizophrenics.

I know.

You say you think too much. What is the predominant nature of your thoughts? Are your thoughts typically negative?

Not at all. Quite the opposite. I'm often rooting for people, and helping friends out through difficult times/albeit I am not perfect...I am very passionate though.

Do you have any enemies? Is there anyone you suspect might be trying to cause you trouble?

Well, IDK, I hope not. I know my mother was always very very outspoken in her liberal activist views, and I try not to follow that. She was interviewed by the FBI for a protest when she was pregnant with me. I don't think there's a connection. I just know too much about the world not to worry...my apologies for being aware...

Do you talk a lot? If not, why? Is it hard for you to get words out?
Yes and no. If I have an idea i want to share, I like to discuss it in details. But I'm not the kinda person to bombard anyone, typically I'm a little slow at discussing personal views at all, and I do chit chat. I do get tired of chit chat...

Do you have any friends? If you have no friends, do you want any? Or are you happy to be alone?

I did. We partied too hard. I need new ones which isn't hard for me to make friends, right now i have little desire to meet friends. I'm not sure, I'm upset. Prob about the falling out of friends, but also...sometimes i feel like...no one gets me?

How is your personal hygiene and self-care? Do you follow the norms of hygiene, like bathing daily?

I do shower about twice a day sometimes 3x. I don't like feeling gross, or things being unclean in my house. I'm just lazy to be honest. I am trying to get over that.

Do you smoke?
Too much. I want to quit. I smoke a pack a day.

Do you think people look at you and think you are weird or look eccentric?
Probably. People are often nice to me. I never felt that way, recently I was in a bad mood, but there's a rumor about me started by one of those jerks...wtv. I feel more alone lately because I'm too gullible when it comes to people.

Do you ever see things out of the corner of your eye, but when you turn to look at them, they're not there?
no, and I never have.

Do you ever hear background music or noise others don't hear?
One time it happened as I was falling asleep I thought I heard my dad playing his guitar, but he told me he wasnt. That was the only time it ever happened.

Are you ever accused of staring at people?
LOL. I've actually never been accused of it. I do it a lot, though. I try not to...I think people get that.

Can you describe more about the cup-breaking incident? What was your mom blaming you for? Why did it outrage you so much? You say they fabricated your behavior. Did they lie to the doctors?

Oh the irony. I got off the meds, and I was at home alone without a car and my parents weren't paying much attention to me other than getting mad if I played music too loud, my dad flicked me off and took my stereo. Lots of stress it was all blamed on me.

It was very purposeful. I was angry because my mom said I belonged in jail, a ward of the state, etc. I had gotten a bruise from someone, and she said i did it. So I took a random cup I didn't even know was a family heirloom of hers, and I said to her "is this what you wanted to see? Me acting crazy?" hahah, because I was being ironic when I hadn't been acting crazy at all leading up to my blow up. How horrible you know!! !? puke. And yes, they lied to the doctors. They said I did it more than once, my mom did and my dad agreed. who knows he may have implanted that idea because she was always against it from the start, but...IDK....my parents sucked. I think they were abusive but I dont remember enough. I was also very confused and opinioned, I was rebelling because I was 17. That's all it was. f**k them.

Can you explain what you mean when you say you have to "reprogram the stimulus"? What bad patterns do you get?

Memories of trauma...bad images...bad thoughts...I ....am broken.

Has your schizophrenia diagnosis been confirmed by MRI?

Well, they said my brain was fine and normal. But I think one guy said my electricity chart went above the chart itself?

Would you say your thinking and/or speech are so disorganized, you are unable to function as a result?[/quote]

No.

BTW, yes it all stopped after I got off the Geodon I was put on after the cup incident...really...are people so stupid to let this happen to me? I asked the doctor specifically before I was put on it to try a different medication because I had a bad feeling it might not work or make me worse. They put me on 180mgs, about, maybe 120mgs, but it did cause that.

I have an example for that: I stood up and walked to the doors, said aloud but calmly, look everyone I am not sick I am ok see? I pushed the doors, they were locked of course. A guy comes rushing in about five minutes later to find me sitting quietly on a chair, and he takes one look at me then just leaves, he had a stretcher and anesthetics and everything.

The next day, 9 professionals at Sheppard Pratt tried to convince me that I had "screamed at everyone and had a psychotic episode"

Now who wouldn't be paranoid after that? The meeting called Team was directly after the coucilor told me I would have false memories, correlation? That then this psychiatrist and her team tried to convince me I had been psychotic without my knowing??

Well, I went along I guess. It's scary as f**k. i should just forget about it, but it's like I am unable to. They were that good at brainwashing me. I should be moving on...and, also them fhrowing away my folders I filled out 3!! To get me out? Wtf kinda joke is that? I filled it all out on the first day and they stole it. Lying SOBS.

I'm sorry guys, this is becoming political. Stay AWAY from people who try to repair your damaged brain, when you can't locate the damage. They caused my PTSD.

The truth is. I am literally afraid to speak my mind. It's true. I'm afraid to truly expose them.
I'm afraid. I'm not paranoid. I'm afraid...

I'm not psychic, I'm not brilliant, I am me. I am stronger though because of everything, I wish I could stop fearing them though, that's all I want. Is to stop being afraid. It happened over 6 years ago. I'm 23 now, I keep bringing it up because it's unresolved.

With the extra information you've given, I'm leaning more towards complex PTSD as a diagnosis for you. That could explain your apparent schizophrenic/bipolar traits.

I had psychotic like symptoms, when I had strong PTSD-symptoms and that's not even that rare.
Psychiatrists thought about all kind of disorders I was supposed to have at that time, just not PTSD, NEVER.
Not even when I toled them that I think I have it.

Now my PTSD is nearly gone, I was lucky.
but I have the feeling that PTSD symptoms are a bit different in autistic people.

Also PTSD can cause moodswings.