Why can't I motivate myself to go to college, do I have..??

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depression?

I am doing a course that if I should get myself a good distinction, it will help me to get into college.
So I really thought that i could get myself to go in everyday, espially since it is only three days in the week, and be able to work at everything, and even if I missed a day, I would catch up and do extra work. I was really trying to get myself to be motivated like this.

But I kept missing classes, and now I have a letter from my institute saying that I have a meeting about my absences.

I could give you all my excuses as to why I missed them, but I think the reality is that I have lost interest. I am doing Photography and Media, and I DO want to be a photographer or do something in media.

See this is the thing, I am not doing this course for the sake of it, I actually want to achieve things in college and at a job.

But growing up I have Asperger's and a really hard time at school and at home. I tried to do my best in everything to please my teachers or at home tried to be a normal person in my family or I try my best to be a fun person to my friends, but nothing was ever good enough and I was critisised about everything. There was always something wrong with me.

Last year, I think something snapped in me. I gave up doing homework, and I tried in school to come in as late as I can to make the class smaller. I gave up on my friends and just did my own thing, and did not bother to say even hi to anyone. And when my family gave out over something i did, I just shutted them out.

So I think that has manifested in me now. Only this time now that i am an adult and I am living on my own in town to go to college, so I began to miss a couple of classes and come in really late, because I would sleep in. Since they dont check up on homework straight away, I would leave it really late. Also I walk in 30-40 mins so I think the thought of walking in that long, especially to come in and see that the teacher is out (that has happened a lot)

You would think that I was just lazy, but all the time I was worried about my absences and I would tell myself every night "Right, go in on time, and be there for every class, even if the teacher is out and you have to wait two hours for her." Because i know that I am lucky to have gotton a place. But even then I still came in late.

My mother and older sis who went to a good college all know, so I have the whole lecture from them pretty good, and I know they are right because I know that if I keep missing out, I will fail and not be able to head to a proper college.

But all those years of critisism and negativity and stress...have they created some sort of depression on me? Because I am always always in fear, fear of putting in so much hard work into an assignment and not passing it at all and feeling like the year was a waste. Also it depresses me going in and not having any friends to hang out with. The people I did hang out with dropped out, and everyone else has made their groups already. I looked up about depression and I saw how it makes you dislike the things you usually enjoy.
I should be able to motivate myself to go this course even with the fear, but I can't.

What do you think? Also if I really want to check myself out, how do you do it? Do you go to your local doctor or do you have to get an appointment at an mental health hospital or clinic?

LittleSwallow, the exact procedure for obtaining diagnosis and services varies depending upon which country you live in, but in most places you should first visit your local doctor (often called a "primary care physician", "general practitioner", or "family doctor"). She or he will help arrange a referral to psychiatric/ clinical psychological services for diagnosis and treatment.

It is possible that depression and/ or the other factors you mentioned are the causes of your difficulties with this course. Another possible reason is that you are not as interested in the topic as you thought you were. (I am having difficulty working on my interest, and I am starting to wonder if may be I am not so interested in it and I should just give up.)

I hope things work out for the best.

I've found that pursuing achievements can be psychologically quite difficult for many, resulting in anxiety, procrastination, avoidance and self-sabotage. Why this should be so I don't know. Sometimes if there is too much pressure it can negatively affect our motivation.

If this is the case there is no magical cure but I've found that focussing on smaller, short term goals, breaking tasks into manageable chunks, and planning some downtime/recreation time into my schedule helps.