Repressed memories

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I don't want to get into what they are, but I just had the second of two repressed memories surface in the past 4 months. These are not minor memories. These MAJOR memories. The first one was so unlike me. I was told by people that I probably dissociated because I was so unwell at the time, and my mind simply could not take it. It was so bad that I cannot believe that I did not remember doing it (I did not hurt anyone. It was the fact that I could have). The one I just remembered, I had forgotten because it was drug induced. I wish that I had never remembered it, but I have recently been remembering all the situations surrounding it (court has been bringing up all the memories), so I suppose it was only a matter of time before I remembered this. The problem is, I wish I did not remember it. It is horrible, and as I remembered every single detail of it, I was in the fetal position crying.

Thankfully, we have a help line (phone) in town, and they were able to talk to me until I was clam, and then I took some of my Klonopin to calm me down the rest of the way, but honestly, I don't know what to do. What if I keep having repressed memories? It is suspected that something may have happened to me as a child. What if it is true and I remember that? If that is true, I don't want to remember that. I didn't want to remember what I remembered tonight, that's why I told them to give me the medication they gave me. I am so scared that I am going to have more repressed memories come back. The worst part is, I have no idea what they could be, or if there are any in there.

Memories once repressed from my childhood have been difficult for me to accept. As I have spent more time processing what happened, the depression triggered by such memories has faded. Remembering events in a safe environment with somebody I trust has helped. If remembering is the first step to healing, it can be a painful first step.

I hope you can muster some support in this stressful time. I am rooting for you.
HUG

Thank you. I think the support when this one has happened has been the hardest part. Surprisingly, I am not feeling affected by it in the least at the moment (although insomnia kicked in and I don't think I Will be sleeping soon). When it happened, I really could have used someone. A real person to be with me. There was one person in the house, but it was not appropriate to wake her up. Not for this. Not for this memory. It is not hers to have to have to share with me. She is only 16 and she does not need to feel such strong emotions (and this was not a forced violation). What I needed was one person, and I cannot speak with him until later this morning.

You may be lucky and not know it yet. Now that you can remember them you can deal with them at least. I can't say the same. I know I have repressed memories too but I have no idea what they are and I'm finding myself desperate to remember what I tried so hard to forget. This thread resonated with me so much that I feel compelled to share my story in the hopes of finding clues.

Early in high school, I fell into a deep depression. After a while my parents dragged my ass out to a psychiatrist. I didn't really cooperate with him too well. I was ashamed of being depressed and having to see a shrink and ashamed that I had to take Prozac for it and I just wanted to get out of there ASAP. The pain was almost unbearable until one day it just stopped. I wasn't happy or sad - just numb, empty. I had no experience with antidepressants at the time so I thought it meant that the drugs were working. So I told him I was feeling better and that was the end of that. Or so I thought.

I spent the next ten years or so pretending that I was fine but I wasn't. I couldn't feel any emotions. I was walking through my life in a stupor. I was no longer plugged in. I was existing, not living. And slowly it ate away at me, draining my energy. I didn't try to get any help until it started to affect me adversely, compromising my ability to hold down a job and function in every day life.

I'm in therapy now and I'm on medication but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I've taken matters into my own hands and for the last year or so I've been devouring any psychology book I can get my hands on that even remotely pertains to my symptoms. Mostly books about trauma and male depression. Like you I discovered that I too had dissociated. The books I read seem to say that the cure is to first "re-associate" and plug back in to the original depression and let it out instead of bottling it up like I did which only drove the depression underground. From the accounts that I've read it means reliving past traumatic experiences and finding the root cause of the depression and that's been the problem.

When I first got depressed, I remember that I was repressing something but not what it was. There were certain shameful secrets, certain painful memories that I swore I would take to the grave with me. I thought that if I kept them out of mind that I would forget them and everybody else would too and it would be like it never happened. I wasn't willing to face them so I bottled them up and eventually they found other ways to torment me. Even before the depression I had a deep sense of shame, probably about my behaviour, I would guess. As a kid with Asperger's I remember being kind of spaz and I did awkward and stupid things impulsively and I'd usually catch s**t for it and it made me feel even more ashamed. I remember it in sort of a vague abstract way but no specifics. Try as I might I can't find out what's eating away at me inside all these years and it's slowly wearing me out.

I thought surely other people with Asperger's had a similar experience which is why this post interested me so much. What ever you're remembering, don't repress it. Don't bottle it up. Find a therapist to help you work through it so you can be free.

I repressed something that happened to me when I was 7yrs old. It suddenly emerged when I was about 14yrs and I was astounded that I'd fogotten about it. I know for sure that it happened and it wasn't a dream. But, I only have half a memory; I've no idea of how the event ended.

repressed memories are a B&#$h

i had one that I had forgotten about and then it showed up at the worst time...won't go into it =/

still have most of my childhood blocked out though so that's good. =)

I could have written that myself. Until my mid-teens, I knew I didn't like my cousin but I never really thought about why. Suddenly it occurred to me that it was assault/attempted rape. But even then I had a big hole in the memory and I still don't know exactly what happened. Trying to remember is difficult, and also somewhat painful, so I'm not sure my subconscious will allow me to revisit that entirely.

I repressed most bullying incidents from my childhood. Then a couple of years ago they started surfacing because I was in a very stressful situation and basically couldn't cope. I've been on anti-depressants for years, and they've just helped keep the memories suppressed.
I'm now seeing a psychiatrist who is helping me talk about the memories and express the emotions that go with them. It's hard, but in the long term, it's going to help me. I know when I see the psychiatrist I'm safe and can talk about things, and I know I trust my psychiatrist.

If you can find a therapist who you can trust, they can help you. Bottling things up helps in the short-term, but in the long-term can cause problems.

Thanks for this thread. I don't know whether I have many repressed memories. I know that a lot of thing shappened, but I don'thave concrete memories, but I don't know whether this is just the details fading with time or my having repressed the memories. I did have one memory surface of something that happened when I was about six, and it surfaced when I was 24 (I have external evidence that it did happen).

I agree with you all that repressed memories suck, because at once we need to remmeber in order to work on stuff, but we want to forget because the things were so horrible.

when any major setback occurs like a broken relationship or failure in exam or loss of job then i go into depression and in that depression all repressed memories come back.........they keep haunting me for months, months and sometimes a year...

Judging by the other posts I guess I haven't experienced any then. It sounds like the memory is completely gone for a long time then reappears instantly. One memory I have has been constantly with me I just wasn't sure if it was real or not. But then I just have to ask myself 'If it isn't real then why am I thinking about it and why has it always been there?'

Dealing with Repressed Memories by oneself can be very dangerous. It's best to find a really good psychologist or therapist that you can really trust.
The memories are repressed for a reason as they are too painful for the mind to handle at the time. When recalling a repressed memory, a patient can experience a wide range of emotions and really needs support there.

The whole thing about repressed memories is it is hard to tell a repressed memory from a false memory unless there is substantial proof that the repressed one can exist.
So there is controversy over repressed memories.

Repressing memories is possible. Humans can compartmentalize, maybe leave memories locked away in a compartment in the brain. I've thought about it myself, wondered if i could have repressed any, however it's not something i've ever focused too much on at all.

Dissociative (psychogenic) Amnesia is considered sudden memory loss that lasts from hours to years with the inability to remember personal info that is stressful or traumatic natures.

In my case I know for a fact I have a repressed memory but it is still repressed. I know something happened to me because my mother has told me about it but even hearing about it didn't make me remember it and it was a big thing. My mother told me about a brief isolated hallucinatory episode I had that only lasted a couple hours when I was 8 and never happened again. From what she said it sounded unpleasant and I understand why I would've repressed it. I can't remember it no matter how hard I try.

As traumatic as it might have been curiosity makes me wish I could remember it.