The OCD that stole Christmas- please respond

Post Reply New Topic

Hey guys- I'm about to sound really needy right now, but someone responding to this thread would make my day significantly better. Last night I posted to an OCD support forum and noone responded. I understand that its a busy time of year- but my ocd won't take a break...and my obsessions kept me up really late last night. Theyr'e still at it again today and I'm looking for some perspective. I want to put the ocd in its place.


So any who- this is what was posted.
I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and respond <3

Hello guys and merry christmas.

I'm struggling a bit tonight- not as much as usual, but struggling none the less. This is something i have discussed with friends of mine, but I wanted to hear- from a sufferers perspective.

Now typically, my ocd consists of violent intrusive thoughts. Absolutely horrible visualizations relating to sexual and physical violence inflicted on loved ones- often paired with groinal response and the urge to vomit. Horrific- but totally normal for me



However, I can't seem to let go of a thought that popped into my head months ago.
Unlike the other thoughts, it wasn't violent- there were no visualizations. It was very cold... solid... like I could only consider the words and nothing else. After research i thought maybe this was more of a "back door" obsession or worry.

Well- here goes. There was a new guy at my work... and for a moment, a brief second, it wasn't so much of a compulsion- but I thought of the idea that killing him would lessen my competition with him. Really ****** up i know. And again it only lasted a second before i snapped out of it and thought "what the hell am i thinking" and kind of was upset all day.

But i feel like a monster because it was very cold at first- and i didn't initially freak out. I felt like a Shakesperian villain. Really weird.

Now i eventually just sort of dismissed the thought, but now its back and I'm worried about my morality. I think the recent violent outbreak in CT sort of triggered me to be more reflective on my own thoughts.


Now- i wouldn't dream of hurting anyone really- however... i don't know. I can't believe this thought came to me and i didn't get all panicky like i normally do. It was sort of a quiet acknowledgment.



I feel dirty- even though it was something i thought of months ago.

edit: but another sentiment i wanted to add
- what scares in in particular about this thought is the fact that i can't distinguish if its A.OCD or B. Just me being a terrible human being...even if in that moment "

I dont really know if anyone knows how to respond. I really don't. What do you really want people to say anyways? That it is normal, that there are other people with similar thoughts? Well kind of i know how u feel... that his honest. I get bad thoughts really bad ones too but i often shake them out of my head n try n focus on something else... Ive thought about killing people, but only those who have cornered me so badly that theyd deserve it. but i am not the type of person to ever commit such an act. i have spoken tp my other aspergers friends about this. They have all had similar thoughts. they have gone as far as planning it perfectly in their heads, but theyre above that. The thing is we cant let those feelings n thoughts consume us, you have to try n think positively, be a better person than the voices in your head!!

or be pikachu, always be pikachu =)

I hope this helps!!

Edit: by cornered i mean, hurt me physically!!

I don't think that I can help at all except to suggest that you talk these things through with a mental health professional.

You suggested that you might be a terrible human being. I know that it's not easy but try to be objective. Rage and guilt often go together. If you don't understand the thought processes that trigger these reactions then that would be a good place to start contemplating I think but I'm not a mental health professional. just some dude who sometimes finds his own thought processes to be counter productive.

I am not at all qualified to comment and I'm sure that a trained mental health professional would be asking why you think that these thoughts occur to you.

I'm not judging you at all, it just doesn't sound like you're having much fun. How can you be confident that you're going to enjoy a thing when these thoughts / images seem to be beyond your control? Everyone deserves to be in control of their own emotional wellbeing. I mean exactly what I said then. I did not say everyone deserves to be held responsible for their own distress which is beyond their control.

I can't help you to build a better relationship with your own emotional responses but a trained professional can and you deserve to enjoy life so don't be scared to find support in dealing with the feelings.

I doubt that I've helped much but I hope that I have.

Relax, make the most of the festive season and in the new year seek some professional help to make it the best year of your life yet.

B.

Hi,
Thoughts come to everyone. You can allow them to pass through or work them up. A great place to go for tools to help with the anxiety in daily life is Recovery International dot com. The techniques are from Dr. Abraham Lowe and you can find online meetings too. It's a positive place where you will find support in ways that can help you today as well as going forward. Good for you to reach out for help. Good self care.

You can't help what comes into your head, only what you do about it. Thoughts don't make us evil, actions do.

I'll take the time to individually respond to everyone later

but note: this is something that came into my mind for a mere second
this is the same person that i later almost cried about when he had an hit scare

its just at this point i didn't know him very well... so i think thats why i didn't freak out

the reason i think this could be OCD
is the fact the thought came on its on inhibition- and i have truly no desire to carry out said thing

HOWEVER
it is particularly strange that it wasn't just kind of senseless gore that came into mind (which I'm afraid of... and imagine because I'm afraid of it). it was something with a clear motivation...even if it was just a short thought

and it did make me miserable


NOW
the reason I blame ocd for "stealing christmas"
this is something that happened months ago... and now I'm fixating on it
trying to understand if i'm "evil" or not

I've told friends about this intrusion and them-personally knowing me say i have nothing to fear
they say normal people think these things occasionally= but what makes me different is i fixate and obsess




does anyone else have experience with this?
I do plan on getting mental help. but I can't until feb

^this^
You can't stop the thoughts from coming into your head, but you can control how much you pay attention to them. Don't get caught up in why the thoughts are in your mind; view them as an irritation and carry on with things anyway.

you are NOT evil. i don't even have OCD and i have occasional thoughts of murder of folks who vex me. it's just part of life. as someone else said, it's not what you think, but what you do that counts. try to think about something else and have a nice xmas.

Exactly what I was thinking. It's not thinking it, but acting upon it. To put it on the lighter side, it's like saying you're going to start working-out and fixing your diet to get in shape after the holidays. Thinking and obsessing about it won't do anything, the only thing that matters is if you do it.

It's happens to me quite often. Inappropriate, disgusting sexual images that don't even arouse me, and murder fantasies that I have no intentions of ever carrying out. I think the fact that they are taboo makes me think about them more. I don't even derive any pleasure from these images, I just become disturbed and uncomfortable, and hate myself for even thinking about them.

I have exactly the same type of thoughts. The doubt that you really are a bad person is the most difficult part of dealing with this. I can't say anything that will stop it because that is the nature of OCD.

The best I can do is tell you that you need to learn to isolate these thoughts, recognize that they are obsessive, and try to learn a way to deal with them. Personally I use humor, though it can be off putting for some people.

Hey guys-
Feeling okay but still iffy. You're sentiments, well they help a lot. And i'm so happy you were able to get in touch with me even on Christmas. It made my day significantly better and easier. Now that I have the time to respond to everyone- here goes.

Teredia: I understand that what I said is alarming or hard to understand for someone who doesn't suffer intrusive thoughts. And I have trouble understanding it myself, but yes- I'd much rather be pikkachu. In fact, i want to be reincarnated as a dog; I bet they don't have intrusive thoughts. I mean, I guess I'm not the only one who has these...ruminating on it is hurting me mentally and I'm trying to stop... or at least accept. I'm trying to find inner peace.

Bunders: Defenetlly looking to get to a mental health professional sooner rather than later. Normally I'm against meds- But this time I think i want to advocate for them. I think meds paired with therapy could help. Thanks for the message to relax

Healher: Thank you for this resource- I will look into it and I greatly appreciate your concern. Working up my thoughts is my biggest issue

Sacrip: Although I agree with this sentiment I'm struggling because it doesn't help with my inner conflict. Sure I can't control what I'm thinking about, but does thinking about these things make me a bad person?

Ann2011: This helps me, i've read this post a few times today and its helping me make it through

cathylynn: i had a truly wonderful Christmas. It's good to know I have a bunch of the people on the "you're not evil" side of things- but I'm struggling to accept this. It's good to have an objective-non biased point of view. Thank You

Palakol: I'm glad I'm not the only one. Personally- usually my intrusions aren't "fantasies", they're horror flicks. But the one i had a few months ago i consider in the fantasy realm... even though it wasn't graphic. I don't know- I just feel bad I thought of that, even for a moment. I want to see that boy, hug him, and tell him merry christmas...and see his family.

i mean- logically, this alone means I wasn't serious. But...how can a good person think of killing... even for a moment.

idratherbeatree: I'm working on accepting these thoughts which allows them to pass faster so i can move on with my day
HOWEVER... i still feel like they make me "bad". I know logically they don't, but its just something really hard for me to shake




I'm worried about what will happen to my soul after I die... because i'm thinking these things

I have pure "O" OCD, and my obsessions usually get worse around Christmas. Scrupulosity OCD and the overwhelming morality of the Christmas holiday aren't a real good combination, unfortunately... My OCD guilt also gets worse, mostly from receiving gifts from people. And I feel really awful if I don't like the gift. Not fun. Hang in there. Hope you can get some good mental health help soon.

I think one of the most helpful things you can do when you have intrusive thoughts like this is to forgive yourself for having them. If you're anything like me, you probably feel that a certain amount of distress over those kinds of thoughts proves to you that you're 'moral', and while it does make you miserable to obsess over it, you may at least feel 'safe', that you must be a good person if you're capable of feeling stressed or remorseful over having such thoughts.

The brief and cold thought that doing a co-working in would remove a source of competition is a holdover from animal instincts to survive. This is not a moral lack, it's genetic. Most people probably have thoughts like that, but unlike some of us, they barely notice it. For most people, I think these thoughts slip under their radar-it's unconscious almost. For you, it's not unconscious. You have a sensitivity that picks it up on the radar. [Disclaimer: These are only my observations and opinions, I am not a doctor or qualified professional of any sort.]

I'll tell you one thing: it sure as hell would be handy to have that lack of emotional content when it would be helpful!

Try to think of it this way: Forgive yourself for the thought because what are your alternatives? Feeling miserable? Counterproductive! When you have an unwanted thought, tell yourself, "Huh. That's an interesting if primitive thought." Then dismiss it. Being OCD I know you're groaning and saying, "Yeah, easier said than done!" That's a given. It's an energy drain to be sure. I'm sure you also know that part of OCD is having these intrusive thoughts rearing their ugly heads over and over. Doesn't that remind you somewhat of a child? Blatting repeatedly until you focus on it and then consuming your attention once it has it? How would a person properly deal with a child behaving that way? Since your attention is what it wants, deny it that. Repeatedly ignore it, or practice some sort of thought replacement. Nature abhors a vacuum and that includes thought. If you push the thought away it will spring back again and again but you don't need me to tell you that, I'm sure. When we can't get rid of a problem, we have to find the most effective ways of coping with them. I hope you can get some therapy t hat will help you address this and find something helpful to treat it. It's all any of us can do-our best.

And try not to pay attention to all the sensationalistic crap flying around about the shooting. The media always skews things and I'm sure they're well on their way to demonizing aspergers too. How Hollywood.

I don't know what to tell you about the groinal response. I get that too about violent images. Maybe that's a genetic throwback too. I've seen animals do some pretty cruel stuff when they mate. I saw this pair of ducks mating once and he kept pushing her head under the water, then letting it up. She wasn't fighting it or anything either. Who can say what any of that stuff means. It just seems to me a pretty common thing for people to have a groinal response to violent images or thoughts. It's only a moral issue if you act out on those thoughts with someone who's not a willing participant or a minor, OR if it would violate your own conscious to experiment around with a mature, willing partner. Just do the best you can to not beat yourself up for having the thoughts spring up in your head. We're all allowed to be kind and forgiving and accepting of ourselves for our own humanity.

Oddduck- I'm happy you mentioned that the Holiday season could be a trigger- because I think you hit the nail on the head! It's so funny because usually I identify as agnostic but I got into this spin of "am i going to hell. am i going to hell. am i going to hell"...and now its sort of gone. Also- I to LOVEEE spoiling people- yet i have issues with receiving gifts. I feel indulgent and undeserving. However- I know people love to give presents...and honestly I got some pretty lovely things

I really love my new jacket and comforter... things that are warm. I'll be going back to college soon and it will feel like an ''extended hug" from my parents when I'm feeling homesick.

Stanley- Thank you so much for this informative response. its exactly what I needed to hear, really. Oh and the grioinal response... its funny... once I worked up the courage to google it

(honestly... i never googled OCD stuff/fears/intrusive thoughts because I thought I was the only one and had a mortal fear of the government seeing my searches and thinking I was a sicko )

Anyway- once I had the courage to google it and learn the psychology behind it I pretty much stopped having it really if that makes any sense. At least it isn't connected with the thoughts anymore. Now I sort of get that sensation randomlly- but I think my body is hormonally conditioned to do that because I'm just high stress... Thank god i'm not a man