Anxiety is preventing me from living normally.

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I haven't posted on these forums in a long time. It probably would have helped if I had, but I'm here now.

I've been under treatment for anxiety and ASD for over a year now. There have been more ups and downs that I can remember. It's always the same, though. Everything will be great for a few weeks, then it falls apart. Just when I feel like I might be able to start functioning, I get hit hard.

I'm afraid of people. They make me so uncomfortable. I can't stop fantasizing about confrontations where bad things happen to me. It's so bad that I can't even drive. Being aspie makes it hard to read non-verbal queues, so I don't understand things. People get mad and frustrated at me when I don't understand things.

My cousin recently told me about a job opportunity. I'd be able to learn a lot about something I enjoy doing, but so many people work at this place. Just the thought of it has my heart racing, my hands shaking, and me almost in tears. This isn't the first time I've let my anxiety prevent me from working. Right now I work with my dad. I don't have to interact with many people and I know the 2 other people that work there, so it's comfortable to me. I feel safe there.

I feel safe when I'm at home or a familiar place with people I know, but not always when I'm alone. I don't like that feeling. When I'm out in public I just have this feeling in the back of my mind that someone is going to bump into me and then yell at me or hurt me. Or when I'm the passenger in a car, I think that we're going to get into an accident. In my mind, it's not a matter of "if", but "when".

It's like being on a permanent adrenaline rush from a roller coaster. My good days are me just standing in line. I want out.

I feel your frustration and sadness over what your anxiety limits in your life. I was definitely at that point several years ago, prior to seeking therapy and medication. It wasn't a fast fix, but I am so glad that I started the process and now am slowly begining to be able to do things like leave my house and be a reliable worker (even though I have to be around "people", it is a managed set of people in which I have a very predictable set routine).

I hope that others will also encourage you that it can get better, it is not easy to ask for help but it is not necessary to struggle alone or feel like things will always be this way for you.

Hope things turn around for you, Shadewraith. I don't know if this is good advice, but this is how I cope. Just jump in to the deep end. Even if I'm shaking, crying, what have you, I hold my breath and do it anyway. It usually turns out not nearly as bad as my mind made it out to be, and I feel better after I get through it. Eventually it sinks in that I can get through okay. Good luck.