Depression Revisited

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My old pal, depression, seems to be awakening. I have battled depression since I was 10 years old and I think I will for the rest of my life. It doesn't seem to be a matter of getting over it, more of managing it. I am already medicated to the maximum, so upping my medication is not a possibility.

I feel like I am walking through deep snow and have a constant pain in my chest. Normal everyday tasks are confusing me and I am unable to cope with them. I have trouble forming thoughts, never mind sentences and words. I just want to get away from myself. I wish my soul could be transferred into a functioning body.

I've read posts where it's been suggested that having some sort of purpose or goal will see me through this. But I can't imagine a goal worth working toward. No goal or the reaching of it is going to take away the malfunctioning of my brain.

I feel broken irreparably. Sometimes I feel afraid of myself.

I'm attempting to continue with the routine of my life in the hope that the depression will lift. I have gone through some things in the past month that have been too much for me (moving, starting a new job, personal relationships that have gone south.)

I guess I'm posting to see if anyone can identify with these feelings. I feel very alone right now.

I'm sorry you're in pain.
I can totally identify. I fell back into depression in January and came out of it in May. I also have been in and out of depressions since about 10 or 11. The bad thing about my last one is that I hadn't had one in a few years and I thought I had "cured" myself somehow. I have to accept, like you, that it is a lifelong condition. The thing that helps is to remember that it will end and even if the better times don't last forever, at least they are there from time to time.
Your feeling of walking through deep snow is a good visual. When I'm depressed, I feel like I'm sinking in mud.
Anyway, hang in there and just enjoy tiny pleasures (cup of cocoa or watching birds outside,etc.--whatever makes you smile) until you feel better again.

Thanks : )
You're right, better times do come along and they are worth holding out for.
I remember when I first became depressed at 10; I felt like my mind was breaking and dying. I think once a person has had a severe depression, they will always be susceptible to it. It's like my brain chemistry balance is damaged.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

I'm dealing with major depression for the third time in my life. I recently read something called "The Depression Learning Path" and feel...slightly less horrible. Anyway, it's sort of interesting despite the weird title, and I thought it was worth sharing.

http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/de ... ning-path/

Thank you : )
I'm glad that the Depression Learning Path is helping you.

I have tried CBT to no avail, but everyone must follow their own path.
There are a lot of charlatans out there with a cure. I wouldn't pay them a cent.

But I live in a country where access to psychiatrists is free.

Sometimes I think it is the world that is wrong and not me. But I am only one person; so how can the world be wrong.

But sometimes, I just feel that I don't want to be here anymore. That there is nothing for me here. Just empty advertising and false premonitions.

And sometimes I think that people are the children of the devil. That God cast the devil here and he is making the most of God's creation in Eden? I think the devil must laugh a lot; to disrupt God's precious creation so. But sometimes I laugh too.

But, this is life and who am I to complain. Let the gods and demons fight their battles and I will just try to miss the frey.

I'm sorry you're getting unwell again.

I have bipolar, so I can pretty much identify. Depression being horrible is an understatement. I know you said you're medicated to the maximum, but have you considered changing medication? You may have being tolerant to the antidepressant, especially if you're on an SSRI (prozac, celexa, lexapro, paxil)?

Thanks Otherside. I have an appointment with my doctor next week and I will discuss this with her.

I too have entered another period of depression and this has been the longest and worst yet, just trying hard to stay out of hospital because I've had so many hospitalisations I don't need another.

My thoughts are with you, I wish I could take the depression from you because no one should have to suffer like that. We just have to hold onto the knowledge that it won't last for ever, it will get better. x

Rattus, I am sorry you are feeling bad too. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks once, but they didn't really seem to do anything with me. It was like just being in the psych ward was supposed to magically cure me. The most enlightening and helpful part of my stay was watching "What About Bob?" on movie night. "Baby steps;" that has always stuck with me.

I find I get depressed if I get bored.

Have you tried studying something challenging that you find interesting. Like the possibilities are end less.

It's hard to be interested in anything when I'm depressed.
But, I'm feeling better these days. Fortunately this bout has passed without an increase in medication.

When I get depressed I get on my bike or go running. I know that's not everyones cup of tea though.

^Yeah, exercise is supposed to be a good way of controlling it, raises the level of chemicals in your brain, might be serotonin, I think. I really need to get into a routine of doing it.