PTSD & AS ... and "passing"

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Hello! I have finally decided to post something after months of lurking and speculation. I promise, this is not a depressing confessional.

Please feel free to let me know if you relate to any part of this. At this point I feel pretty unique...but that's hardly a good thing in this context.

I was formally diagnosed with PTSD in 2002. My symptoms are still quite strong, but I have absolutely no interest in talking about why I have it. It's not important. What IS important is that I am now convinced that I have ASD/AS and that this underlying condition is what made me so sensitive to trauma/rejection and made me unable to detect the red flags NTs probably would have seen coming from ten miles away.

I do not have a formal diagnosis of AS to date, but it is something I am actively working towards with a therapist. It takes time to sift out the PTSD parts from the rest, since PTSD also causes social isolation and communication problems.

This post is actually about the myriad ways I am paying for failed attempts to "pass" - IE: play NT.

Cliffs Notes version:
- I have a BA in Sociology and graduated with honors. I thought this would give me some insight into why NTs do the dumb, arbitrary stuff they do, but all it did was confirm my own negative biases.

- I worked "an adult job" in IT for a few years and really enjoyed it because my contact with others was minimal and on my terms. Most of the people I worked with actually thought I was very kind, upbeat, and outgoing.

- I am none of those things, though I am extremely ethical and logical. This was just me "passing" as a warm, caring NT archetype, which I can pull off in small, impersonal doses.

- I'm a girl, so the social backlash for not being sweet, caring, and self-sacrificing can be swift and brutal.

- I decided to go back to grad school so I could study artificial intelligence, computer science, and robotics.

- I also landed an assistantship through student affairs that pays my out-of-state tuition.

- I thought I'd be able to start fresh in a new state and just continue "passing"...but it's not working very well.

- I HATE my assistantship. People who work in student affairs aren't just extraverted - they are extraverts IN THE EXTREME. Everything they do seems to get its own pep rally. They are always smiling and laughing and organizing ice breakers. They are the kind of people who LOVE team building exercises. It makes me feel bad, in a way, that I can't be more like them. I'm just not built for that. I'm an introvert in extrovert cloth. The team building and social planning - and even the more mundane interactions and meetings - frequently remind me of my social limitations. I am not a hater, and I can recognize that my peers are just being their misguided, ultra-enthusiastic, superficially inclusive educational psych versions of nice. It's just that their super extroversion makes me VERY uncomfortable and mildly sad that I can't just "fake it to make it."

- The main function of my assistantship is to advise the members of a hipster-rich cliquey social club on campus. Most of the pampered, entitled NT undergrads I "advise" can see right through me. They talk about me without realizing that I can hear every word from the other side of my office wall. They think I'm fake (which is a fair evaluation) but they also think I'm kind of an a**hole because of my blunt demeanor and sharp tongue. (I only compliment them when they deserve it - but will not do so just for the sake of stroking their egos. They are adults, not kindergarteners.)

-The constant emotional labor of dealing with NT undergrads in an advisory role is really strange and straining. It is WAY different from a standard TA or research gig because I don't ever get the option of getting lost in my work...the undergrads ARE my work. They want me to emote, to soothe their fragile egos, and when I don't they ostracize me and treat me like I'm just that weirdo chick in the office down the hall. I'm DAD, the disciplinarian. Everyone hates that person. I have too much contact with them on a regular basis to maintain the façade convincingly.

- It's a weird thing because in trying to "pass" I am a fraud, yet even while being so disingenuous, I try to be honest. This creates epic dissonance for me internally.

- I am struggling in my MSAI program, too. Even though elements of my MS program are part of a special interest, the parts that aren't are torturous for me. In Sociology, everything about it was an SI, so my BA was a cake walk by comparison.

- I want friends, but cannot help but distance myself for fear that once they see who I really am they'll hate my guts. There is a long history of experience behind this statement, but I will not bore you with the details of it. Just know that any Pollyanna-ish attempts to tell me that, "It's what's on the inside that counts," or, "Just be yourself and everything else will fall into place," will be met with contempt and dismissiveness.

- I go to social events organized on campus and just sit in the corner and try to distract myself because the stimulation at a lot of these events easily overwhelms me. This is another instance wherein it is impossible for me to "fake it to make it."

- I'm in a computer science research group. I am also the grad school rep for the Academic Affairs committee on campus. I'm juggling a lot of stuff right now. I want to do all of it but I think that I, much like Icarus, have extended myself beyond my actual physical and emotional abilities.

- I feel numb inside. I cannot genuinely emote anything except frustration. I think I'm just super burnt out.

In a nutshell: I can sell myself very well, provided I don't have to endure repeated, prolonged contact with any one person.

My situation is weird and my comorbid conditions socially damning. It's nice to get it out in the open. I'm sick of being BFFs with my social dysfunctions.

I guess this did turn into a depressing confessional of sorts. My bad.

Yup-- sounds familiar.

In other thoughts, sometimes I think "passing" is enough to GIVE you PTSD.

Just sayin'.

Thank you so much for sharing this!! It was almost like reading something out of a biographical page of my life.

I attend a university right now...am in a Master's program and will be finishing up by the Fall 2014. I feel so frustrated right now with most of the people around me. Here's why. If I am truly "myself" and am honest and blunt about my thoughts and opinions...I come off as a "female dog." If I'm careful with my words and bite my tongue so to speak...I come off as a "doormat" and a cheap, knock-off/fake one at that. It is like there is an off and on button inside of me...but no medium. Have joked with others about that, but really there is much truth in that.

That is why I have recently been feeling discouraged by people lately (one in particular) that imply that I need to be more direct. I want to say, "Huh....lol....really??! !" The irony is...if I started acting myself...those very same people would be the ones to complain I need to dial it back.

Initially, I present as an extrovert, but that is but a shell created to live in this world. Inside, belies a true introvert, that was created from ASPD symptoms that have been in my life for a very, very long time. Although I also do not have an actual diagnosis...I'm almost certain that am on the autism spectrum. I also have symptoms of anxiety, ADHD, and depression...but it could be that those are all related to autism. Either way, it is making my life more difficult.

Again, I appreciate you sharing your confession...it helped me to feel that I'm not alone. I also hope you find the same here.

Hi there,
Well you sound like a really awesome person to me. I'm a neurotypical (well actually I have bipolar) and a smart woman. Smart women in general have a lot of the same issues you are talking about here. We are supposed to be sweet and kind and self-sacrificing. That will make everyone happy - except you! Sweet and kind and self-sacrificing women get knocked down and beaten on and discarded. We are never supposed to express our opinion - just go and make the tea, if you get my meaning.

It's great that you can forge ahead in your career like you do.