Psychosis: Like joining a gang then trying to get out?

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When I first developed psychosis at 14, there was a strong sense of anticipation and insight; there was an excitement, due to the content of my delusions. At first, I seemed to live both in the real world and my private psychotic world, but as I felt under increasing pressure to reconcile the two, I began to experience horror.

It was almost like at first, the delusions were something cool, but then as time went on and I could see their danger and became scared, I tried to get out, to no avail. I was trapped in my mind at this point. It's like joining a gang cuz it's cool, then realizing you're not cut out for it but the gang won't let you leave alive.

You do not talk about Fight Club.

That is an imaginative anaology!

It's more that the psychosis gets worse. Fullblown psychosis usually needs weeks to develop. Noone is psychotic from one minute to the other (exept when the psychotic symptoms where driggered by drugs), but the problem is that most first get treatment when they already have psychosis. Luckily I never had psychosis that I totally lost reallity, but I had more than once symptoms in this direction. that's why I think that I'm schizotypal with mostly speciffic paranoid symptoms.

I've the same with my paranoia. At the beginning it's just suspicion and after some time it can change into classic paranoid symptoms where I feel haunted and where it's starting to get irrational. But I still know it's paranoia, so I never lost totally touch with reality.

Psychosis/Schizophrenia is a spectrum and it needs time to develope.

Ja. I can say that about the psychosis getting worse over time. It's like at first, they were just the usual escapist fantasies that I've generally had both before and after the psychotic episode. Then I entered into a sorta double-bookkeeping situation where the fantasies became so much more than fantasies but I wasn't acting on them. Then I felt increasing pressure to act on them, to resolve the apparent contradictions between belief and action, and that's where the horror came in.