Depression - It's ruining my life.

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I have what may be considered "Mild" Asperger's syndrome by some. I say mild because I'm 31 and it wasn't picked up until 2011. People who first meet me comment that I seem to have it pretty together and don't act like I have anything wrong with me.(Not my choice of words. I know it's a feature, not a fault.)

However, a fringe benefit is I suffer from crippling cyclical depression for months at a time. I take medication which stops me from feeling suicidal, but I still feel numb and apathetic.

I work in a phone sales job. It's great when I'm not depressed as I am full of life, happy, enthusiastic and successful. However, lately I've been very unhappy for no reason. It's made me cynical, angry and moody.

I didn't notice what I was doing until one of my colleagues, who is also a good friend, pointed out that I am "one of the most negative people she knows."
While I know that this is an exaggeration, as she struggles with her own problems and is also prone to depression and negativity, it was like a penny dropped as everyone in the room told me what I did and gave me examples of when I exhibited destructive behaviour.

I then came home tonight and was told by my girlfriend that she no longer likes me meeting her friends because she has to spend so much time comforting them when I hurt their feelings with the things I say which make them uncomfortable.

I hate feeling this way. I want to fit in some of the time, without losing my identity. I also wish I wasn't so badly affected by this depression. It controls my life. I had such a bad day on the last day of work that I couldn't go to the work christmas party.
It was bad, the patterns in the carpet started moving of their own accord, I was freaking out and wanted to rub everything on my face.

I don't know if I want answers or anything, I just wanted to be able to talk to people who may understand me. I don't think there are real answers other than cognitive therapy and a caring counsellor. Problem is, the fantastic psychologist I used to get help from retired and was subsidised. Now, I have nothing.

I'm just ordinary, m55 mild aspi too....

from what i've read ...

a) don't take too much notice what ppl say, theres always a comment made that can ruin you for days. Most ppl are 'un-thinking' when they say these things. I never allow any to 'reach' me.

b) i think excessive computer usage is bad fr you, work or home.

c) I'm only mild aspi but i cannot work among others or even cope with a 40 hour week, hence self employment for 30 years.

d) no Xmas party is no big deal, I've never done them and usually never went when at school.

I use books and learning as sort of a meditative tool, helps in many ways, making pen and paper notes calms me. I'm lucky i enjoy the wonderful landscape around here with my pet dog. I have routines, otherwise I'm a mess and nothing wld get done.

I hope this helps.

yes the predictability of that set hours Mon - Fri wld and did drive me nuts, more accurately to be away from ppl on my own is sheer bliss, no matter how bad the wage gets.

heres a valuable tip ... 'live as a poor man' ie keep yr outgoings low if at all possible and yr pleasures as near zero cost as you can.

if you ever need small business advice i too can help, for instance never give credit to one-off small jobs, be strict with customers ie credit control (they will attempt to take the mickey) and avoid friends wanting a freebie - they can be the worst offenders - try to spread yr risk maybe by having two lines of business/ activities even unrelated so that something is always busy. do not undersell yrself, after all someone has to do it. never believe anyone when they say "I've got some work coming your way" ... they just like to hear themselves talk. etc etc

and make money from day one, this u'll never break even in the first year is utter B/S

I've always self-regulated any interaction when I'm depressed, ie: made it a minimum, don't make friends, etc. so unfortunately I can't really compare to one day suddenly being told 'you're an ass and depressing'

It sucks. I don't know how to help you though. Maybe take a small amount of time during each day and purposefully try acting pleasant, like 5 minutes or something. Since you seem a little clueless to how you've been treating people perhaps you're also a little clueless that how they respond is also affecting you. Reciprocity and all that.

in general i treat others as i wld like to be treat myself but i purposefully set myself to be active and seldom have time in fact in only exceptional circumstances have time for chatter, if i think the person is 'safe', my humour too is sort of 'advanced' and my wife of 35 years tells me she has no idea when i'm serious or only joking.

most ppl in my opinion are hardly worth bothering with, for most of my life after the crap at the beginning ie school in a sh***y remote inbred village have 'radar' as I'm sure we all do here.

I'm lucky my mental maladies 'cycle' fast, half a day is usual of upset and two or three days is usually the max, but last year it went on for weeks and was bleaker than before, oh that I had a helping and understanding hand, my wife is useless. the incredible countryside and landscape round these parts is my medicine, but an ageing dog doesn't help. as i type this my wife again for the millionth time is doing her best to start an arguament, my dog has more brains, and guess what she works for the British National Health Service ' .. ! ! .. she is as institutionalised as the handicapped she looks after.

I would never dare use the word 'clueless' with anyone, that in itself cld be a trigger to worse things, seems I'm cleverer than most.

as long as i don't look for or seek anything worthwhile from others then i'll be generally okay'ish, but to find someone i really click with and was 'alive' is prob something that will never happen.

re depression triggers (that can be anger also) with me its certain sh***y ppl or situations .... which i 'avoid like the plague' ...

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