I don't know what to think

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Since I was very, very young, I have believed that others can hear my thoughts if they touch me. As a child, I avoided being touched because of this. Lately, my thoughts have become that much louder and more forceful, so that I expect that people who are nearby can hear them. I am currently in a psychiatric hospital, on constant observation. I sit in the back of the room, as far away from the nurse at the door as possible, when I desire privacy. I sit on the end of the bed, near the door, when I am explaining things to the nurse or wish to express myself. I sit in the middle of the room when I cannot bring myself to care either way. Sometimes I believe that there is no point in fighting. I am not my own, anyway. I do not know from where the control originates, but something is in control. It used to scare me, so, so much, and I used to fight, but I am resigned these days. When I was thirteen, in a psychotic episode, I joined an anti-governmental organization, and came to believe that some international entity was the architect of my imprisonment in a tiny ivory atrium surrounded by things alien to me. These days, I no longer care what is on the other end of the strings; it would not help me to know. I am a profoundly tired person. I am a profoundly tired person.

I was reading about schizoaffective disorder today. Apparently believing that you are being controlled and that your thoughts can be heard are both common psychotic symptoms. However, I have been psychotic before, when I was 13-15, in the years leading up to my first psychiatric hospital admission. I feel that I am controlled and that "my" thoughts can be heard when I am not psychotic. I am always aware of these things. I don't know how to explain these things to those around me without being mistaken for somebody psychotic. I don't know what to think. I don't know whether I should try to think any more. I cannot tell my own thoughts from those that are not my own, and I am rotting.

Holy crap..... I know what you mean! I also believe other people can hear my thoughts when they touch me.
I mean, I know, rationally, it can't be true... but... I also know that it is true. I certainly behave like it, though I dont tell anyone because I fear they'll think I'm crazy and maybe I am.

Just a few days ago I almost made a post here all about it. By any chance, did some kind of big event happen when you were young, that lead to you believing/finding out people can read your mind?
I understand that this feeling sucks ass but at least we are not entirely alone.

In a strange twist of things I actually would like others to hear my thoughts if I touched them. What a wonderful thing that would be no? No more struggling/failing to get things out verbally...just a touch and poof! mind-link. The world would be a wonderful place if that could be (in my opinion).

I guess I can see how it could be good. But for me, it's not whatever I want to think at the time. Sometimes, I'm already thinking some I don't want others to know about when they touch me unexpectedly. Or I can't help but think of something I don't want them to know about. It's like when you actually try not to think about a specific thing. It's not usually that easy.
Though I do have ways of trying to communicate what I want to them. Not that I think it really ever works but... I do it anyway >.>

There. That's the part of me I hate. Completely illogical. Completely unlike me.