I feel like I don't exist

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I now regret posting because even receiving responses reminds me that I exist. Or maybe I don't regret it. I don't understand how I feel.

Last edited by ReticentJaeger on 02 Mar 2014, 10:15 pm, edited 5 times in total.

What kind of responses are you looking for?

I think the OP wants someone to say, "I get it." At the beginning of the post I thought I did. The feeling of "detachment" is familiar. Almost a fugue state.

I've felt like I wasn't really allowed to join in, or unable to, and I've felt times when I didn't want to join because the activity was dispicable, but I don't think "don't want to exist" was ever about life in general. I've always had a few people I enjoyed being around.

I know how much I hate it when people try to dismiss me with nonsense that's supposed to be soothing. Soothing for them, maybe.

This one might be annoying, but it's still true: At 15, you're not finished yet. Things are going to continue changing dramatically. It doesn't slow down until you get older.

Come to think of it, at 15, I was in hell. The details would take too long, but I couldn't handle the family or school. I moved out at age 16, which might not be possible today, and I quit school, which is absolutely the smartest thing I ever did. I got through with a diploma anyway (another long story) but regular high school would have killed me.

Is there something in your world that really sucks, and you can't get away because you're under-age? And if so, do you have any options, like grandparents you could live with?

I asked what responses you are looking for because I have the impression you may want us to acknowledge you feel apart, without trying to fix it. But not sure.

No.

The worst part is that I don't see any real reason to feel this way. Most people can trace it back to abuse or some other childhood trauma. I guess I'm just an empty person for the time being.

Maybe it's best to acknowledge then, rather than fight yourself and others, that you feel you don't exist, for whatever reason.

I don't know that means you are an empty person, you may be thinking more deeply then others are.

You are entitled to feel how you do, regardless whether you can point to a cause right now or not.

And being angry with yourself over how you are feeling will only get in your way, try not to be.

Being misunderstood and unsupported can get to you.

I'm slow, not empty. My emotional reactions to things tend to emerge more slowly than most people, so I don't often get a chance to react in real time. They are also qualitatively different, so I usually wouldn't be allowed to react anyway.

If you're into metaphors, it’s kind of like being an emotional tetrachromat. I see stuff others miss, and miss stuff that others see.

My reaction to pain, physical and emotional, is sometimes different. A tooth ache that’s way beyond saving by root canal, that others would find excruciating, to me is just a “something is very wrong” feeling. But other things that I find intolerable others would dismiss as a mild annoyance.

I’m a real person, and not an empty person. My feelings are just as real and just as valid as anyone else’s. I’m just different.

Am I getting close?

Can you go into more detail about how you don't feel like a real person? Do you now, perhaps, feel like you're just an object, like a refrigerator, not a full "spiritual being"? Do you feel like you don't fully exist in this world?

I now regret posting because even receiving responses reminds me that I exist. Or maybe I don't regret it. I don't understand how I feel.

I have no identity. The only personality traits I can claim as my own are the negative ones: anxiety, sensitivity, sudden and intense anger, OCD tendencies, obsessions, hopelessness when stressed.

My behavior isn't consistent, because even when I think I'm a cold, uncompassionate person, I do or think something that contradicts that idea. My mood changes from happy to horrible very quickly, and I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am not a strong, fiery-spirited fighter. I am a weak, angry person who needs an excuse to fight just to support the illusion that she is strong.

That's clinging to s preconceived ideal. I do the same sometimes. The strongest thing you can do is accept who you are--warts included. I think that when we cling to outside ideals, our vision gets skewed to the fact that we're pretty awesome as is.

Or put another way, trying too hard to see oneself through others' eyes and adapt to expectations seems necessary, but can leave one feeling one does not exist at all.

If you don't want to receive responses I think you can turn this off for a thread. If you want to go extreme, I think you can even ask the moderators to lock your thread.

Ok, how about we try this. What do you like? For example, what's your favorite movie or music or book? What's the best season of the year? Favorite Dinner? Do you have a pet? What can make you smile?

I don't really mind anymore, but when I did want to disable responses, I couldn't find the option.

Book and movie- For books, maybe HP, don't know. Movies, HP and Narnia.
Season- Don't know, there's something bad about all of them. Not even summer; I'll probably be spending the next summer facing my driving phobia and dreading the start of marching band season.
Dinner- Since I'm a picky eater and can eat few things without gagging, flapping my arms, or grimacing, I eat pasta with butter and ridiculous amount of cheese nearly every night.
Pets- I have two black cats whom I love.
Smile- My cats. Sometimes I smile at inappropriate times and when I really don't want to, but that doesn't really count...

Maybe if you need in the future on the bottom left where it says "Stop watching this topic" unless someone has a better idea.

I love HP. I have no idea how many times I've read them straight through. I still pick them up and read parts of them again sometimes. On FaceBook, I follow people like "The House Elf Liberation Front."
I like summer and won't hear a word against it. Driving phobia? I guess I'm out of touch - Is it a school requirement now? My daughter got through Driver's Ed, but decided that she would never be a good driver and doesn't want to get her license. She's 19 now. I figure she knows better than anyone whether she should drive or not, so I'm not going to push it.
I like dogs and guinea pigs, but cats are good too. You can't help but smile.
Cheese. Usually on my list of what-would-you-take-on-a-deserted-island. You just made me go grab a big chunk of munster.

Ok, that sounds like you have something of a personality.

The part I don't get -- If you are "dreading the start of marching band season," that must mean you're in the band. Why would you do that if you don't like it?