Tips on dealing with my anxious husband

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We are separated almost entirely because of his anxiety. Both because he doesn't handle it well and because I don't respond to it well. Frankly, it irritates the hell out of me (which I know is wrong...). He has been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. He has panic attacks. Our kids are autistic (hence why I'm on WP) and we've decided that it's easier on them for him to come to my house, rather than for them to move around all the time, so he spends time at my house even though we're not together.

So today. I prepared a dinner early in the morning before work. He came to my house after picking up the kids from school and was to cook the dinner for the kids. He started cooking it on the stove, then suddenly panicked, and dumped salt all over it (because apparently that's how you stop a kitchen fire? That's what he said), turned off the stove, then dumped water all over it. The dinner was obviously ruined. Why did he do this? "Because it was about to catch on fire", says he.

... WTF??? Like seriously WTF????????? NO IT WAS NOT!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! ! "About to"??? What does that even mean? What are you- psychic???
*takes a deep breath*
My new years resolution was to stop yelling at him when he does crazy stupid things like this, and I haven't broken it yet. I did not yell at him about the dinner. But it makes me so incredibly mad. I'm sure he can tell even when I'm not yelling at him (which I haven't been since Dec).

He has a thing about fires (among other things). He unplugs appliances because he panics and thinks they're going to start on fire. One time he unplugged the FRIDGE and didn't tell me, and so the food went off. It was in the summer. Why is it better if we die from eating poisonous food than if we die in an electrical fire? Because one of those is a lot more likely than other...thanks to him...

I know that me being angry doesn't fix it. I just don't know what I should be doing instead of yelling. Today I just said, "Oh, okay [you ruined my dinner, no biggie]". He was still shaking and freaking out from the trauma of it "almost" catching on fire (by the way, what he was cooking, is not something that catches on fire...there is no way on earth that that could have happened). He said he's "so sorry" (like always). I don't understand how such a smart guy can be so stupid in these situations. He must know deep down that his fear is not really happening, right? I don't understand.

I don't need you to tell me I'm a bad person for being angered by him doing stuff like this. I'm looking to change it by maybe understanding better or being told what I should do when this happens. So any tips you have would be greatly appreciated.

You need to remove him from as many situations as possible where he can throw a wrench in the works for you. That's really all you can do, control your own environment. If you can't bring the kids to his place, and let him have his freakouts there, then make certain areas of the house off-limits or effectively have a nanny there when you can't be. His entire job, when he's at your house with the kids, is to hang with the kids. Everything else should be taken care of by adult #2, the one who's paid, or who's a family member who'll turn up reliably.

If it's not possible to get someone else in, then restrict the visits to times when you're there. He's not allowed to touch appliances, food, etc. All of that is yours. Either you cook the meals while he's visiting, or meals during his visits are very simple: cereal, sandwiches, that sort of thing. This is your house now.

I'd really recommend, though, that you start working out another place for him to visit with the kids, because after you're divorced you're not going to want him to keep coming around like this, particularly if you meet someone else. It's also obvious that you just need him out of there, for your own psychological wellbeing.

I guess I should add that I still love him. He drives me crazy but I am still hopeful that one day he'll get his act together. He does see a therapist and the anxiety comes and goes (today was a bad day). Anyway I'm not planning to get divorced yet.

No he doesn't. If he knew it wasn't real, he wouldn't be afraid. This is who he is. Do research on his disorder, maybe talk to the therapist about how you should deal with it.

I have done research but it still doesn't make sense to me. I don't have time to go conferences and talk to people who suffer from it in person like I do with ASD because I have to work and I have to look after our children. So his anxiety can't become my life's number one priority, but I would still like to hear opinions from people who actually suffer froman anxiety disorder. If they were having this problem, what would they like the other person to do? That kind of a thing.

Yelling at someone with anxiety when they panic is probably one of the worst things you can do..I wont say you are a bad person, I mean you've even said you know that is probably not a good way to deal with it.....but it frustrates you and people can yell when they are frustrated. But yeah the thing is when someones freaking out from their anxiety as much as they might know from an objective point of view that its just anxiety and they are actually ok it feels very real though sometimes people don't see that its just anxiety and are convinced it is for real. I have lots of times when I go into panic mode and as much as I tell myself its just the anxiety it doesn't do anything to stop the anxiety attack from escalating. He's not being 'stupid' per say in those situations.....but rather anxious, and fearful of something bad happening.

Attempting to be somewhat supportive sometimes can help like try to sooth the person and be understanding that they are experiencing a very real feeling...though sometimes people just need a bit of space to process in which case not yelling but also not expressing an angry attitude but not nessisarily trying to tell them to calm down and stuff. I don't know it can vary on the person what sort of thing helps....does he go to therapy or take any meds for anxiety? those might be helpful things to suggest and might help him but yeah yelling is by far the worse thing since it only makes the person more anxious. But hopefully some others here can help you with understanding it more and have some suggestions on how to deal with it without feeling so frustrated with him.

I like if people try to be understanding....I mean I don't expect people make it their number 1 priority to understand what its like to have an anxiety disorder and what not, but at the very least trying to understand it is a mental disorder and not something I can just stop having symptoms of at will, and to practice tolerance just like I do my best to tolerate that not everyone knows how to deal with someone when they are having a panic attack, or very depressed or other mental health related things and not be mad at people when they don't understand.

But if you are hoping of potentially continuing a relationship with this person, as you suggested in another post....you will have to make some effort to work with them on their disorder, rather then expecting them to just stop having anxiety chances are he'll always have anxiety issues but may be able to better manage them with proper therapy and maybe meds so you'd have to make the decision of if you're up for that or if you really can't cope with being with someone who has a disorder like that.

Thanks for the advice.

I have been trying to understand; I've read all the books his therapist wanted me to read (4 of them) and I have done some of my own research. That's the point of this post too.

It's hard for me to be nice to him when the situation with our kids is already so stressful (and he doesn't do any of their appointments/meetings or have a job) without having to deal with HIM TOO. We were together for 2 decades and he only just started having these problems in the past two years. He was always anxious but nothing like this. I'm hoping he'll get it together and be able to function again. But if he is going to stay like this, I am going to have to divorce him, which makes me really sad, but I just can't handle it. I'm not super woman... I can't do everything for everybody. Sorry. Currently I'm operating under the assumption that he IS going to get better, so I'm thinking not "how can I accommodate his every wish", I'm thinking "how can I react to him in a productive way".

He does cognitive behavioural therapy but refuses to try medication because he worries that the medication will make him act strangely. But he already does that anyway as far as I can tell.

His issues sound out of control. And all I can think about is that the kids are impacted by this. His instability is not good for them, and could make them anxious themselves. I like the idea that one responder mentioned about having a 2nd adult there when he's there so that he can focus on the (hopefully) less stressful task of just hanging with the kids, while some one else takes care of dinner, etc. If that is possible.

I have learned to act calmly if my husband is upset but it is hard to feel calm. You are asking a lot of yourself, you are looking to have a productive, calm response, and I agree with Odetta. There is an impact in kids, and especially to have autistic kids seeing and feeling his agitation would be extremely upsetting to me.

I'm sorry you and your family are dealing with this. Does anyone know what happened in the past two years that may have brought on this change?

If there were no obvious psychological triggers, it might be good to attack this from all angles and rule out physical causes, too. Just to rattle off some examples off the top of my head, certain endocrine problems, like Grave's Disease, can cause marked increases in anxiety and panic attacks, as can some infectious diseases, like Lyme Disease. I'm sure there are others, as well, that a doctor could screen for.

I know you mentioned he is currently unemployed, though. Does he have health insurance? Blood tests can be so expensive ...

Hi,

I totally get what you're saying. But there's really only so much you can handle, and the fact is your priority has to be the kids. Who need a functioning, employable mother. And if he can't or won't understand that, then you just have to do whatever you have to do to make your living environment as sane as possible. If he wants to have an ego about that, he has to do it on his own time, in private, away from you.

I'm guessing that, since he's not working, hiring help is out of the question? Is there any respite help from the county/state/municipality? And has he applied for disability yet?

Given the severity of his problems, I really would not be leaving him alone with the kids. I know you're used to it and that it seems okay to you, but a guy who freaks out to that extent about a nonexistent fire, while responsible for two autistic kids...hon, this doesn't sound good at all. Is there anyone else who can pick them up from school and stay with them till you get home? Is there an after-school program they can participate in?

ETA: this is a sad thing to have to write, but I will, having been through a similar situation (only my ex was in worse shape and my daughter not school-aged or autistic)...look ahead to how your state deals with divorce and custody. In my state, even a man disabled by mental illness can get custody, and had it gone to trial I'd have had a real fight on my hands. It would've been compounded by the fact that in the years leading to divorce, even through the separation, I worked really hard to maintain my ex's relationship with my daughter -- so he spent a lot of time with her, supervised by me. That would've counted against me in a custody trial, because it would've been harder to show that I was in fact the primary caregiver. I cannot begin to fathom the nightmare that shared-custody parenting would've turned into with him, or the fear I'd have had while my very young daughter was in his care. Different states have different rules, so -- not saying divorce is in your future, or that things won't get better, but it's worth finding out what the rules actually are.

I've been trying to do the right thing for my kids. He lives with family and his family are kind of crazy (I think they make the problem worse but that's another story) but most of all, one of my children has a really, really hard time with transitions, so moving him back and forth would be so traumatic for him. But I am going to look into changing the arrangement so he's (my husband) not alone with them. The whole thing just sucks for the kids in general.

He's not receiving any government aid and I am not anticipating that he'll apply for it (pride). I'm doing okay financially on my own though. I will definitely encourage him to see a doctor. I never even thought that it could be a medical problem as he was always kind of shy and jumpy, but that could be a possibility. The reason his anxiety got so much worse is a mystery to me and he says also a mystery to him.

maybe GABA would help him.

I have extreme anxiety issues. so does my youngest son. [super common in Autistic people] I know when I am around someone who I feel is judging me, particularly if they are someone I care about, my anxiety multiplies, hugely.

He is being overly cautious. Better than being neglectful. And, I've actually done similar things to what your husband does. I am blessed in that when I have done it, it has been in the prescence of people who were supportive and understanding.
I am Autistic, plus the mother [and grand mother] of both Autistic and NT kids. I don't think the problem is your husband as much as you just desperately need support. So, let him do the cereal,play with the kids while you do something else [ maybe a hot uninterrupted bath or lunch with a friend. You need and deserve it.]

Your husband will probably NEVER be the support you would like him to be. But he can still be a support in the ways he is capable of giving it.For your sake and the kids sake, take that needed support in a way he is capable of giving it.
I 100% agree that you as the parent of Autistic kids, and all Autistic people, need more support than is being given by social agencies, extended family, or the Autistic community. I don't think that will happen across the board until adult Autistics and parents of Autistics can work together supporting each other There is a shortage of that, unfortunately, but I firmly believe there will be huge changes in that in the next 5 to 10 years.
If your own family is willing to be supportive, and even if they already are, maybe you can tell them that you need more and be specific about what they can do to help. Raising any child is difficult. Raising an autistic child is generaly much more so.

Give yourself and husband a break [is he Autistic?] Let him make the kids cereal for dinner. It's no big deal. If you are lucky, someday he might be able to make toast to go along with it [is salt hard to get out of toasters? And wet salt? That could be a problem if he doesn't unplug the toaster first. I'd stick with the cereal. Just out of curiosity, what food was he preparing that is impossible to burn and start a fire?]

I don't have any family living on this continent.



I think he has some signs of Asperger's but not enough to definitively say so, and he would say he does not. The food he was cooking was soup. I don't know if it's impossible for it to catch on fire but I really don't see how it could.

Things are going a little better at the moment.