What school and my mother did to me...

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I don't have many friends because I prefer it that way. It's hard for me to connect with people. I feel so uncomfortable around them and I'm awkward. I can't even go to the grocery store without feeling the need to get away. People make me uncomfortable.

My mother is upset that I haven't made any friends when I was a child and teen. She would always put me down and treat me bad whenever I couldn't deal with house guests, strangers and her friends. I would wave to them but I wouldn't smile or say a word, it's always been this way since I was a kid. She killed my self esteem when I was a child for the longest time because I was like this. She's also upset because I never made any friends in high school. I'm in college now, still with not a lot of friends. I only have 2 friends. One time it made her so upset, she brought me to a crowded party and I had a panic attack and fainted. For some reason I just can't deal with a lot of people and loud things. She says it embarrass her in front of everyone the way I am and then she starts comparing me to drug addicts and mean people. I don't do drugs...

After years of being called ugly inside and out, insulted by her, and tortured whenever I was sad, I now feel nothing for her anymore. I'm also schizophrenic and she always told me I'm schizophrenic because I'm bisexual and god is punishing me. When I was depressed after getting abused and sexually abused for years, everyday she would tell me to just grow up and she would yell at me. Throughout middle and highschool, I got bullied for getting raped because my rapist was a student at my school. One day I ran to school after getting abused by him at his house. I ran into the courtyard, crying and beat up and I hugged who I thought was my friend for comfort... There were a lot of classmates over there and everyone just laughed at me, and the girl I hugged pushed me off and walked away. My rapist was the popular guy in school. He raped me a lot. Ever since that day, everyone called me a liar, gossip about me and stayed away from me. The only people that believed in me are the 2 friends I have today and my boyfriend. I met all of them at school 2 years ago. Whenever my mom caught me crying, she would threaten to show everyone that I'm crying and have people yell at me for it...

I'm really sorry. No wonder people make you uncomfortable. Do you have a therapist to help you work through this?

Hi,

That is a lovely post Slave. I second your statement about seeing a therapist who specialises in Trauma. Although I have the utmost respect for the majority of the more 'General' therapists, based on your horrific and unfortunate past, I feel that a Trauma orientated therapist would be more suitable to address a lot of the experiences and feelings you are currently battling with. Additionally, having a therapist who specialises in trauma will hopefully allow him \ her to provide you with insights and reflections of how people deal with and process traumatic experiences and memories. This will hopefully aid in the facilitation of your recovery and illustrate to you that full recovery is possible.

If you do consider seeing a therapist I wish you the best of luck with your journey throughout recovery. Furthermore, I believe right from the start that it is important to see yourself a as a 'survivor'. You have overcome circumstances and experiences that no one should ever go through. The fact you and are still functioning is a triumph in itself.

Stay strong.

I think it's very inspiring that you've put up with all that's happened to you, and that you're still here.

I also encourage you to seek therapy (long-term therapy) to work through the feelings surrounding these events. I suffered some of the same type of bullying you experienced from mother. My father could not accept me, wanted me to be normal, and use some of the same tactics your mother is using on you. I also experienced other really negative stuff. Two years of psychotherapy and Al-anon, and I am feeling so much more self-acceptance, and I am living a life that is happy. I also encourage you to get as much distance from your mother as possible (live on your own so that you decide when and if you contact her). It is possible to recover from this type of abuse while living with the perpetrator (I have lived with, been dependent on my abusers my whole life until very recently) but it is a lot easier when you don't have to deal with ongoing abuse or daily reminders of the abuse.