Should I have sex with my BPD, autistic, epileptic boyfriend

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NO "PROFESSIONALS" ALLOWED, PLEASE! ALSO NO SLUTS OR PEOPLE WHO THINK "f*****g" IS OKAY, because they will not understand the problem and because any comments from them will just be bullying anyway.



The seizure part is relevant due to the horrific drug he's on, although we don't actually know yet whether or not it's a certain form of epilepsy.

After breaking up with me due to an argument caused by the drug, then heinously mistreating me for several days, after he finally agrees to sleep with me, like he is supposed to (because that is how we sleep every night, including both before we were together and after we broke up but before the bad thing happened), he comes into the bed that night and suddenly wants sex. I thought, "Are you insane?!," and said I will only have sex with him if he agrees to do something that allows me to have the chance to show him that I will ignore him if he stays in the house (which is what he wanted). Because having sex on that night was very bad to me, but he needs it when overwhelmed because he can't talk because he stops trusting anyone and then there is no other way for him to get some of the emotions out. He didn't do what he said, didn't notify or communicate with me to even tell me he won't do it, and did this three different times while we were still in the apartment. At the time he still had all of his normal level of thinking and logic capabilities.


Now he is with his mom (because he lost his job and we both had to leave the apartment anyway, not because of breaking up), and I come over once a week. We don't do anything we just be with each other. He has sex with me every time, but has seriously very seriously BPD mistreated me in between. Of course when he does then it is "my fault" for... trying to say two words, I guess. I did not feel it was right to have sex with him 3 weeks ago and I asked him.is everything was okay now. He said yes (a more serious discussion then that, of course), and if everything is okay like before then having sex is okay. He did not know that having sex was dependent upon it. 2 weeks ago, after asking why he is treating me this way and will he please go to the healing groups (the right meditations and drum circles), before we had sex I asked will he come sleep with me this time when I really, really need it, because the discussion was about trying to make him understand how much pain I am in due to his mistreatment, and he partially understood - but enough to know I'm in pain. I did not say "You must do this if you want sex," but I said, "I can't have sex with you unless everything's okay. We talked and made everything okay - and he WAS sincere - before we had sex. When I asked about that last part, it's because I felt safe asking... that asking for it is okay and he might say yes and he won't hate me for asking when it happens.

Because of more mistreatment from him the day I needed him came sooner then expected, and when I asked him to come sleep with me, he said no "Because he doesn't feel like it.". Actually he said he had an appointment but 5 minutes later told the truth that he "doesn't feel like it" and had no appointment. I needed him bay that night.

This week, I actually wanted to have sex by the time I got there. I wanted to feel goodness from him. But I told him specifically that we will not have sex until he makes a specific appointment of what day to sleep with me, in order to make up for the heinous heinous treatment of the week before. He never knows his doctors appointments in advance, so he had to call to make sure he doesn't have one, when I asked him to call Wednesday night he said he called and he does have one Friday... 'til today I noticed that that's impossible because Friday is 4th of July.

So he screamed at me for 2 or so hours of the phone call, and hung up on me 7 timesof less then 30 seconds each while I was trying to say one and only one thing: Reminding him to use the lavender bottle for comfort to calm down so he doesn't have a seizure due to stress. When he finally let me finish the Damon sentence, he was grateful for the reminder. The autism prevents him from remembering that and the anger wouldn't let him calm down enough without it.

There are a few good things he did in all this; he's not completely evil. So before you go ranting that I shouldn't have sex because he's evil... he's not. All.

But now it has been 5 or more times when I gave up my body and sacred being for him because he either promised to do something or said everything was okay and can be good now, then didn't do either.

However, if I don't have sex with him anymore, then it will take away the one thing I can do for him that he recognizes he needs. Of course I hold him and relax him and make him feel safe again every time I am there, but he won't admit that he needs that because that would be admitting I do something important for him and he wants to say I am bad. The sex is the only thing I can do for him - letting his emotions out - that he will recognize or admit I can do. Sex is the connection that can hold and love, and also I am afraid that if I stop having sex with him then he'll have sex with someone else instead, or that he won't talk to me anymore. Sometimes I will want to have sex as well for my own feelings. My goal is not is not to be told some psychological thing about what I should allow to be done time etc. Morally, I should not have sex with him if he so heinously mistreats me and won't even keep the most important promises that allow us to heal our interactions. I should not have sex with him until he shows some caring or true, non-momentary regret and/or agreement to make up for it, but actually acting on the agreement rather then suddenly taking it back. But is it worth the risk of high costs if he loses part of what's left of the connection he feels to me? Should I do this even if I want or need it emotions on a particular day? Is it worth the risk that he ca n have sex with someone else of I don't have sex with him?

Should I still have sex with him even if he has hurt and severely pained me so much that I will still be depressed even when I'm with him now?

this relationship is so bad, i'm not sure why you still want it. you can do better. no one ever deserves to be treated the way he treats you. no one is all bad. that doesn't mean that we should allow ourselves to be abused. i know breaking up is hard. it took me two years to break up with my abusive fiance. i am so glad i did. it took about a year after i broke up for me to feel good about being on my own.

I don't think sex should be used as therapy. I think you have a mixed up view of what sex is for. It sounds like you are forcing him to use you, and that is messed up. As Cathylynn said, this is bad relationship and you deserve better. He doesn't have to be evil for it to be a bad relationship. If you need counseling to help you move on from this relationship and to view sex in a more healthy way, I suggest you get it.

It sounds as if he despises you.
How can he 'make love' with you, if he treats you like sh*t all of the time?

Ask yourself: Why do I want sex with him?
Why am I willing to be abused by him?
Am i trying to change him?
Shouldn't I end the relationship, and choose to not be treated so badly?

Be well.

in the healthiest way possible. He is the one doing other things. Even if it doesn't fully sound like it. I tried to explain, but note that my status is "Don't know whether Aspie or not," partially due to the wrong explanation of things, and also that I tend to absorb traits from the people I am closest to in an unusual way and that my boyfriend of a year is fully autistic.

I am not "forcing" him anything on sex, if he wants to have sex after so severely mistreating me then it should be assured that the sex is okay and worth having by being assured that non-bad things will happen next. Now I know they won't happen at least not unless he gets rid of these toxic pharmaceuticals and then also realizes that he is the one severely mistreating and that things are well if he stops and listens and does some things, but since he has BPD and already put me to the bad side that second part is extremely unlikely. So when it's obvious I don't know if I should have sex or not even when I want to, but if I don't then I don't know if he will stop letting me coming over - and not as a direct result of it either. You sound like a woman, and I know it's hard to believe or understand but sex really can make the mind better for a time if it's the right kind of non-slutty guy and the right kind of sex. I know it doesn't sound right to anyone that is capable of "sounding like a woman" in a non-deragatory way, but it is really true for him and he won't do anything else that can help right now because of the drugs. The last few sentences are in response to the "therapy" part.




The person who, possibly ironically, is called "slave" is the only poster who appears to have attempted to post something helpful... or at least relevant.

He does not hate me. He is BPD, and if you don't know about that then it won't make much sense without more explanation, but there is a topic about "Do BPDs select Aspies on purpose" that has some idea of this. But the topic is very long and you won't get an understanding unless you really read the whole thing, because many people are just demonizing and not writing the real thing.

We have actually made love three times through this. We do not argue in person and are very understanding of each other in person. Me moreso then him but he does try to understand things while I am there and is not mean. That is how he said he would do these things (except for the ones that happened at the apartment when he was still mad at me 100% - I'm not counting those). He is starting to recognize his problem of acting this way and as such is not trying to fully be mean to me anymore or not let me come over for my normal week. We have made love three times because of understanding and being caring. But we cannot make love anymore after yesterday, because I will not be able to, I will be doing it either out of my wants or doing it for him, from now on, if I do it. My wants can be emotional but only if there is a physical component. I believe I will not feel the fully good/perfect way again unless he wants to work to make it better which is not now. Basically all he has to do is agree to want to and once he does that it is pretty much done... he has already done anything he needs to do for us to Love well, and for him.it is simple such as not changing subjects and allowing me to re-focus him if he does. He does all of it very well but stopped because of the drug.

I do want him to change from what he is because he is not him or himself at all. He also wants to change from what he is because he is not himself at all. He does not know how to do any better right now without help because his mind is too amassed up from drugs and job loss. The only kind of help that will help him truly or overall, is either from me or from the certain psychic groups that remind how to connect and heal. He cannot get a full of what he needs from me because he refuses to trust me while admitting that I am fully worth trusting and helping in this area, because he is mad at me for everything I do even telling him to "call to let me know when he's here" because he thinks it said something else because he's autistic and then believes it forever as a bad thing because he's BPD and f****d up on drugs and feels safer hating because he thinks something bad will happen if anyone cares because he's f****d up on drugs. The groups can't help because he won't leave the house to go to them because he doesn't want to "socialize" but noticed how much the groups will heal him if they're the right kind but won't leave because "he has to get on the bus" and because he thinks of it as going out and doing something rather then as healing. I am not trying to change who he is at all but I do want to change how he treats me, but he can do so because he already has done so and we are both happy and he is still who he is, but the drug won't allow him to be who he is and the job loss will prevent that as well. Once he changes the drug everything is not fixed because the BPD still doesn't fully recognize one's own fault and blames the emotion towards me.even while logically knowing that that isn't the factually right way of how it went.

Actually never mind, "slave" said I shouldn't love him so I guess it wasn't a real try for help .

Hi Ravyn,

please show where I said you shouldn't love him....quote me please

Everyone here posted good, helpful advice. Cathylynn and Odetta's efforts should also be appreciated, and their advice considered.



He never said or implied that anywhere.

You are using sex to try to manipulate him out of spite or revenge for how you feel he abuses & mistreats you.

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship for both of you. I'd reconsider anything involving being more than friends.

A really wise friend once said to me, "If you are asking the question, then you probably already know the answer. We add questions around our intuition and it and convolute it."
That being said, I am very guilty of doing just that. Either the intuition I am getting is something I don't like: I want someone I care about to be healthier or better or stronger or you know, fill in the blank, OR the situation is a muddy version of something i wasn't expecting in life.

Either way, I am not looking at the situation as it is. It's always a mind f**k. Always.

So, with that in mind, and not knowing too much of your situation, all I can tell you is where I am at as a bipolar person and level with you completely.

Bipolar people are people just like, you know, everyone else. So, like other people we have great capacities to be huge as*holes and great capacities to be super duper amazing, mind blowing genius lovers.

The tricky part comes in when a bipolar person looses touch with reality. All mental illness is, when you distill it down to its very roots, is a disconnect from reality. And it is incredibly difficult to handle, because... well... I wrote an essay on it once and maybe I'll publish it here, but it's a little like pooping your pants in public without knowing it.

People can see and smell it, you don't realize you did it and you continue on as if nothing happened and even argue with people that you did not in fact poop your pants as the s**t runs down your leg. Then, you wake up, realize that you did, and deal with the after math of people understanding or not etc, the people that you argue with, the mess and so on...and it always happens.
In the end, every one deals with that kind of thing behind closed doors, you had it all happen in public.

So different personalities deal with it differently. It all compounds the problem if you can see.

Everyone is in control of their mental faculties, but there are times when we really aren't, and we think we are, and then we maybe realize we aren't, and then have to come to terms with the idea that we weren't all along...and that is a uper hard pill to swallow over and over for the rest of your life.

I married my husband at barely 19, and my bipolar happened largely 3-4 years ago when I had kids so about 24. It was awful. We already had a great base under all the bipolar crud.

When you have sex with someone, it should be, in my ideal, because you want to just screw their brains out because you think the world of them/think they are so hot you cant stand it. I am not saying I am always a perfect 10 in this category, but that would be the ideal for me.

Everything else will fall into place. If you think he is everything, bipolar or not, other disorders or not, then l of that will just fall away and answers will just fall into place and things will work out.

I did some really terrible things when I was first manic. I "cheated" on my husband in the worst way possible (really a guy took advantage of my high manic/mixed episode). But he knew who I was, and what I was and that something was wrong with me.
It wasn't easy for him per se, but he really understood who I was deep down. If you can't say that...or you don't think you can get there...or if HE ISN'T GETTING THERE (because disorders aren't an excuse for being douches), then you will know.

Just don't shroud your good intuition in too much question. Trust yourself. You got this.

He has BPD, not bipolar. BPD stands for Borderline. Which is a really stupid name for it because it sounds like yo u"almost" have something and the name should have been changed as soon as they figured out what it was going to be written as.

...Wow... that is a horrible, horrible, horrible reason to have sex!



This is true, his is not. Or at least I had to find something else to reply to, since you wrote some things and are writing real things unlike other repliers who are asses. Even though the one at the top is not true, and is in fact exact opposites and people who say that should never be listened to. Of what your friend said.

Oh. I am so sorry. My mistake. BPD is obviously not bipolar.

But the basis of the message still rings true:
That is, you got this, this is your relationship and at the end of the day is this something you want to take on?
It sounds simplistic, but it is always so often the advice I personally need to hear... with some stuff added on obviously, but that is the base.

Well, first of all, let me preface this by saying that I know neither you nor your boyfriend, and as such hardly have the best grasp on the situation, but the question in the back of my head isn't 'should you' so much as 'do you want to'. This doesn't sound like a particularly healthy relationship for either of you, and I would recommend you think about whether you want to be with him still or if it would be better for the both of you to perhaps take a break. As Ebulliant says, this is your relationship and in the end only you can really make the call of what you should do with it. Personally, I would strongly recommend making whatever choices you'll be able to live with afterwards.

As an aside point - and please don't take this as a personal criticism - your little capslock note about professionals and 'sluts' in the first post, and you describing Ebulliant's 'ideal' as "[...] a horrible, horrible, horrible reason to have sex!" honestly just comes off as judgmental and, frankly, uncalled for. I am not the most romance or monogamy inclined person in the world, and have done various forms of sex work at different points in my life; neither of those things affects how I view your situation in any way. Do not write off everything I say as "bullying" or assume I "just don't understand" based on something so arbitrary- I respect your choices, even if I don't agree with all of your views on sex or relationships, and I would appreciate you extending me the same courtesy. You might be surprised by how much insight us "sluts" are capable of having.

The final post by Rayvn has been removed as it contained obnoxious personal attacks on other members.
Thread locked.