Hi all, I hope you?re ok today. This is my first post, and I would really appreciate if someone could even just hear me out. At the moment I feel awfully negative, anxious, isolated and fearful and I just can?t shake off the feeling that things are only going to get worse and worse. I literally have no-one to turn to? So perhaps I could interest you in my story if I ?start with an earthquake to be followed by rising tension? like Hitchcock once said? I am actually pregnant now. At the age of 27 a lot of people would probably think it is not the end of the world. I?ve done my uni degree, have a good job etc. Nevertheless, I am terrified.
I told my partner yesterday and he kind of had a go at me. He is displeased as I stopped taking the pill and not told him. I know this sounds horrible but please understand the last thing I wanted was a baby, however our sexual life got very sporadic and I ran out of my usual pills (that have to be shipped from Germany as unavailable here) so I foolishly thought we?d be fine for a little while until I come up with a different solution. I didn?t tell him because during that time we were mostly focused on arguing, and I was feeling constantly anxious over the state of this relationship, it felt like there was never quite a right time to do this. I wasn?t taking the pill for only two weeks when it happened and then just waited for the end of cycle so it?s not like I?ve been lying to him for months. Yet he made it out to be truly horrible of me, and said his feelings about me have changed because ?I was meant to love him? and tell him, and that I betrayed his trust.
I got really angry because I couldn?t believe he was making such a huge issue out of this instead of focusing on the matter at hand and perhaps trying to consider my feelings ? since I am the one who actually carries the burden now and he broken my trust before. May I also add that he told me numerous times in the past that he wants a family with me, was even coming up with names for our future children, and said if something was to happen then ?we will be ok.? I always had a suspicion this was all a lie so don?t think I relied on that for a second ? it is just such an upsetting experience to have all my bad gut feelings confirmed.
He broke up with me previously, then came back after a couple of months asking that I get back with him. In the meantime he also managed to chat up my best friend on a dating site (he knew we weren?t talking at the time.) When I did get back with him, after multiple BIG promises and some corresponding gestures I later discovered he messaged an Escrots service? I mean perhaps in a way there is little wonder I could never believe any of his words re: our future but for some reason I can?t help but think I somehow attract all this horrible stuff to my life. Like I blow everything out of proportion in my head and get ALERTED, always looking out for danger, just constantly in a survival mode, angry, critical, thinking everyone has an agenda against me or is out to get me in some way ? yet I am very needy underneath the surface?
So it looks as if this relationship is now over (he did want to ?talk it through? with me but I asked him to leave and said I can?t be bullied into a huge decision like that. Basically he was leaning towards abortion) and I can?t help but feel devastated that I messed this up, that this is a yet another relationship that I just couldn?t relax in and it pushed the other person away. For all his faults I think he was actually really determined to make it work for a long while, and make up for the past but I couldn?t let go. Even though he tried I always felt like it wasn?t quite enough, I wanted him to be quicker at texting, to see me more often, I guess I wanted some actions that would feel authentic rather than just multiple polite gestures.
Someone else could maybe conclude that this guy was really not good news but in many ways he was the best I ever had ? good looking, educated, holding a really well-paid job and owning his house and a car ? all at the age of 31... My other relationships that I also managed to mess up? Well I had like 5-6 that I?d consider serious, and three of them I messed up directly through this angry-yet-needy attitude. On top of that over time I somehow managed to fall out with all my friends here. I should perhaps mention that I moved to this country 8 years ago and been here on my own since (meaning no family) just relying on ad-hoc friendships and relationships. During this time I saw many people come and go, but the most hurtful was what happened recently with the 4 friends I had? 2 of which just started to move away from me and limit contact, 1 turned out to be a horrible bully with a sense of entitlement (that same one that talked to my now-ex on a dating site) and 1 that I fallen out with over some petty little thing.
So at the moment I have hardly anyone to talk to, I am 000s of miles away from my family and pregnant. The people that I can perhaps talk to are the ones whom I never really gave much attention to ? i.e. my housemates. It?s like my attention is a kiss of death for friendship/relationship. Whoever I put it on wants out. I try to think what is the next step, what do I do now but I honestly think nothing good will ever happen. I tried so many things in life, always tried to be brave but whatever I do where other people are involved there is a failure attached to it. I feel like some sort of a personality leper.
I even tried to get into positive thinking and listen to stuff like ?the power of your subconscious mind? but I can?t maintain it, every time I look at the reality of my existence the hopelessness of it slaps me hard in the face and I can?t go on faking a smile and putting fake thoughts in my head. I just get this HUGE negativity barrier and I literally don?t know how to overcome this. I feel if I don?t I will never have any success with people but I don?t even know where to start?
I am just so lonely and desperate for just one person to genuinely be there for me, it drives me insane? I think about ending it all pretty much every other day and never really been afraid of dying. It would be a relief to be free of this horrible existence.
23 Oct 2014, 10:48 am
