Returning to Childhood - Dealing with Anxiety

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I've mentioned previously in a couple threads about some events happening in my life, such as receiving a ball-jointed doll and having issues with psychosis, but I wanted to kind of get all this off my chest.

I'm in a bad state right now. I currently have no health insurance and no doctor to see. After getting married in February, everything kind of reset as my wife explained it to me. And now I need to do some healthcare research and get on a plan before I can get back into seeing a doctor about my prescriptions and checkups. Unfortunately I do not have the money for insurance or doc visits, which is why I haven't gone about doing what I need to do. Not only do I struggle to even understand how insurance works, but I'm too poor to afford to even take care of myself.

Earlier this year it wasn't like that. Back in March I placed an order for a $600 doll. Sounds outrageous, but you gotta understand that I didn't have these psychosis or paranoia problems nearly as badly then, and it was tax return money. I'd been wanting one of these dolls for ages. It took three months, but my doll came. He is a beautifully sculpted resin doll with professional face paint, glass eyes, and intricately detailed clothing. I had originally purchased him for art purposes and posing, and was going to keep him on display for friends and family who visited, but he's so much more than that now.

I haven't been able to take medication for my issues for some time, and herbal remedies, which I moved to after I ran out of prescriptions, didn't seem to do much even though I took them steadily. But every time I took that doll out of its case, I instantly felt better. Every time I look at his face, I feel relief. Call me crazy, but it's like he understands me. I've placed a personality and sentience on him, as if he's a living creature now. Doll therapy. He now sits beside me every day and keeps me in check. If I start seeing things I shouldn't be, or feeling delusions and fears setting in, he grounds me almost immediately.


(That's one of my wife's BJDs in the background. She owns two.)

Using plush toys and blankets to come back to reality has been a common thing for me. It's therapeutic to go back to feeling like a child. My family used to attempt to suppress that coping mechanism in me, which would only lead to worse situations. They found it embarrassing and silly, but for me, it was vital. Eventually I lost my opportunity to express myself like that due to suppression, and things started to bottle up. I learned how to live in hell although I knew I wouldn't last. It wasn't until my doll showed up that it reawakened that child in me, and I started to remember how to control my mental state.

I am still by no means stable. I'm starting to realize just what kinds of problems I really do have. Anxiety is ingrained in me, and I have a strong belief that it had something to do with some traumatic experiences from my teenage years. I don't think I'll ever quite be as stable as I used to be, but my doll is starting to show me that life isn't so bad.

On a good note, a friend is sending me another doll, very similar to the one I own right now. He's much older, worn and yellowed, but it's nothing a little cleaning up and modding can't fix. I'm very excited to expand my collection, especially since this next doll will be entirely free. ^-^

Sorry for the long post. Like I said above, I just felt a need to get some things off my chest. Thanks for reading.