100000fireflies wrote:
Ocd was what struck me too when i read it. And yes, ocd is a pretty common comorbidity of asd.
If you seek help, which you should, make sure you see a highly respected ocd specialist. Some - even ones who claim it as a specialty, are stuck in misnomers such as being a neat freak and checking the stove are ocd things. Being obsessed that everything you touch contains poison, isn't. And those "specialists" are flat out wrong. A true specialist would know this.
And, keep in mind, many standard shrinks don't understand it either, they just follow a few textbook examples - such as hand washing - and think those are requirements for diagnosis. Ocd is a disease of many faces, so, unless familiar with its broad presentation, it may be hard to recognize.
That said, this is all online and undoubtedly info is missing. Thus there may be more going on than that. However, from what you describe, adding in the songs and panic about the computer.. It's quite possibly "just" ocd. Though you may feel relief, ocd can easily destroy lives on a level of schizophrenia. It can be yet more torturous as the person is aware what they're thinking is crazy, which creates an additional negative spiral and spiral of self-doubt and loss of control.
Recognizing it while young is a very good thing. If it is ocd, you may be able to do cbt with an ocd specialist and get control of it early. Cbt is essentially reprograming your brain by doing things such as intentionally and defiantly drinking that which your mind says contains anti-freeze, but you know it doesn't. It's not easy.
As for your mother, i'm sorry. Mine was the same way and it made everything magnitudes worse as not only was i a dissapointment, i, by definition was the exact same thing she freely mocked. It's quite possible with her, as i learnedf it was with my mother, that this was her own insecurities coming out. So, try not to take it too personally; as hard as that may be.
Yeah that's what I thought about ocd i thought it was being a neat freak and an extreme germaphobe. Because people say things like "I like to keep thing tidy I'm so ocd!" and most media representations of people with ocd have those traits. So I thought that could not be me I'm a slob and could not give a crap about cleanliness and tidiness. Only as much as needed anyway! (To my embrassment)
But now I realizes that I have the other traits associated with OCD so I might have it.
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. My mother sometimes mocks and says mean things too. I don't think she means or realizes it though. I love and loathe her.