I'm getting better but what if I fall back down?

Post Reply New Topic

I really don't know. I mean the last time I went counselling, I got better and then I fell back down because I was moving to a different country which is normal, right?

Well moving was a trigger and I did like going to a new mainstream college. There were times when I got really agitated in a house and I didn't want to continue that way and I was deeply ashamed of my disability so I decided to self medicate with 50mg Sertraline (I was in an old people's place so there were a lot of medications) so I could attempt to change my brain. There was also a day when I mixed 3 pieces of 5mg Diazepam with Alcohol, but when my Mum found out I have been mixing drugs she rang an ambulance. I wasn't sent into a hospital but I did get checked out, my health was fine so I got lucky.

There were a few mistakes I made and my Mum got mad at me, then I went mad and she told me to go to a special school! I was furious and while she was driving on a motorway I opened the door trying to kill myself because I didn't want to go back, I was wasting my time at a stupid special needs school and it made me feel so ret*d! I sometimes get episodes of agitation and thoughts of killing myself, and my self esteem is often low, but I sometimes am optimistic and do plan my future however I do get way over the top like fantasising and I don't want to do that, but I just can't help it.

Anyway when I did get help from counselling, I got better quickly. Then like I said I fell down. Right now I am at CBT which is also helping me now and they are thinking of not organising appointments for me.

I haven't been diagnosed with a mental disorder, they are not planning on diagnosing me which is a good thing. Especially in my teenage years because I am only 17. I get really anxious a lot so I am not getting diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder because anxiety is common for people with Autism. I do get mood swings like any other teenage girl so I am positive I am not getting diagnosed with a mood disorder either even when my lows do get bad that I get thoughts of death HOWEVER I know I won't get Depression because I am not like that all the time.

So guys I am afraid of falling back down after I get better, I don't know what to do.

Have you ever tried DBT instead of just CBT? It is usually for those with unstable moods, typically people with Borderline personality disorder, something which I have. My moods do not follow a pattern typically seen in clinical depression, they are instead influenced by my life situation, whatever is going on at the time. They can change drastically throughout the day and reoccurring suicidal ideation is part of that, along with agigation and in the past poor self-esteem/self-image issues. Doctors are usually hesistant to diagnose this condition in those under 18 even if they have it. Either way, DBT could benefit you and you may want to look into that to help you cope better as it was created specifically for unstable moods/BPD.

i think that as you mature, you will see fewer and fewer situations as something worth killing yourself over.

Even if you backslide, you'll never truly be back at square one. When you are learning new skills (and this applies to emotion regulation as much as anything else), even if you stop practicing and forget all you've learned, it's easier to relearn it than it was to learn the first time. So even if everything goes back to exactly the way it was before, therapy will work better than it did before.

And if you're anything like me, you're probably missing signs of improvement anyway. I thought for years that I wasn't improving because my meltdowns felt as awful as ever, but I didn't notice that I was having meltdowns less often than I used to and doing less extreme stuff during a meltdown. It's only recently that I've finally realized my parents were right when they kept saying I was getting better.