I think about suicide every day

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I think about suicide every day, many times. I even have plan how to commit it in the most reliable way.
I have many problems, but I can't get not even help - but just an advice, because they are complex and not those which average person here could face in his life.
I tried to use suicide prevention lines and emails but they are useless, they can only help to one with some imaginary problems, and if one has real - all those hotlines are nothing.
There is nobody who can help me to deal with problems. Some family members of course will be upset by my suicide but it's only because it will break their pathetic illusion of good family which they have.
I wrote it just in attempt to get some temporary relief, I don't expect anything.

I can see life has been very painful for you. I want you to know that relief is out there, you don't have to give up. What matters for you right now is doing whatever it takes for you to feel better. Even if it is a habit you judge unhealthy, just do whatever it takes to feel better. Those hotlines are very helpful but only for emergency situations. I recommend seeking out counseling for a long term journey to live better and feel better.

To be upfront, I also think of this at least on a daily basis, so I know it can be really difficult. What about doing something that you really enjoy?

I think about it a lot too. Stress is my trigger. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. I wish I had answers to offer you for the problems that drive you to think of suicide. All I have to offer is hope that things will change. Things always change.

Look dude: obviously no one can convince you that life's worth living. The only thing I'm trying to get at here is if you insist on ending your life, do it right the first time. Don't wind up a bedridden vegetable that can't wipe his own ass or do anything else for himself. If you think you're in hell now, you will be then.
Bottom line: Unless you're taking a blow to the head, suicide attempts can fail. Believe me, I know.
But please don't kill yourself.

I go through periods - particularly under stress - where I can not fathom a logical reason for my continued existence. During these times I've often found myself in a bit of an emotional fog so I'm not really bothered if I live or die at that point. This is obviously the most dangerous time when if I had something in my hand that could just end it...I'd just do it. No regrets.

When I'm stressed it seems that my coping mechanism is cataloguing data. I don't want to live for me or to create anything...I just want to gather data and this can be on completely trivial things or more advanced academic stuff. This can go on for weeks and I just focus on it to the exclusion of all else.

Sometimes, by the time I come out of my cataloguing mode I'm also out of my emotional fog and I'm not quite so inclined to think about killing myself...until the next time.

Do you have any stress coping mechanisms like that which you could lock yourself away in for a while?...hopefully things won't look quite so bleak when you come out of the other side?

Sorry, not sure what I can honestly say.

Over the years there has been something I've done - several times now - to deal with suicidal thoughts and that was to deliberately place myself in extremis.

For my own part I would get out an atlas, pick a place, mark out a not entirely impossible journey, get on a plane or train, go there, do it.

I'm not particularly intelligent or able to deal with unplanned situations so it takes every bit of psychological energy I've got to achieve something like that. Handling the arrangements, planning food, clothing and provisions, language difficulties, transport, converting currency, even just dealing with the airport and customs, etc.

Assuming you survive it - my last journey was about fifty miles through hostile terrain where I experienced a bit of frost bite - then I find that the extreme amount of input - and my consequential focus - upon this situation can block out the "noise" (life stress) I'm experiencing and give me a couple of months peace at the end of it.

Many of the things that stress me in day to day life seem inconsequential and trivial after facing down my own mortality.

There's also the chance you die. It might depend on if you stop walking and give up. It might depend on your luck. It might depend if there's any tigers, wolves, hyenas or bears about wherever you go and if they like you or not.

Now personally, THAT'S exciting. When I was walking I stepped down off a rock and heard this peculiar gurgle and thought...YES, A BEAR HAS COME TO EAT ME and...it was just the water bottle in my bag turning over with the snow I'd put in there. Rather anti-climatic that. I'd always wanted to talk with a bear...even if only for a little while.

* threewordphrase{dot}com/helpyourself.htm

But it's all an unknown. Dealing with the unknown, while immensely stressful, can also be peculiarly liberating, especially when there's a chance you might get exactly what you want out of it...death...and yet, there's always that chance you might survive and that can become a bit of a personal challenge to "achieve" at the moment your life is actually at risk.

Extremis might provide you some new experiences to dwell upon and make your life interesting for a little while longer.

If this doesn't work or doesn't interest you, you might try a psychotropic. Blast out some new nerve endings and see if the world takes on any new colours?

Don't know. I'm still dealing with a desire to off myself to this day. I just bounce up and down between various crazy stunts that seem to let me meet another couple of years while I dwell upon them.

I can't give you any solutions...just...hot fixes that seem to have enabled me to get me this far. Not that "this far" is any kind of achievement of course - it's just further than I ever thought I'd get.

something i learned from a wise old friend: life is about giving yourself the best possible chance over and over. sooner or later, something will go right.