I can't do this anymore

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I stumbled on this site recently. I've been having a lot of really severe emotional problems and thought maybe this could be a good place to talk about it and get advice. Sorry for how long and rambly this is about to get. The logic behind it takes a bit of explaining, which is part of why I don't talk to people about this very often. So please bear with me.

I've never been officially diagnosed with anything on the autism spectrum. The therapist I was seeing for the longest period of time out of all the ones I've seen in my life told me after a while that ever since we first met me he had a hunch, and that after talking to me for about two years I checked off a lot of boxes for earmarks of the autism spectrum and also OCD, but that as per practice policy he would have to open a specific log for observing me in that context for a certain period, and said that he was going to get started on that. Not long after that he just up and quit the practice without letting me or any of his other therapy/support group patients know, and then dropped off the face of the earth, but I'm not gonna get into that now.
I'm not going to pretend that's as good as a proper paper diagnosis, but it seems fairly important to bear in mind.

I've been diagnosed with severe chronic depression since I was 14, ADHD when I was 18, and Bipolar 2 when I was 19, but have had frequent suicidal urges and actively self-harmed at least as far back as 10 years old. Always felt like I was 'different', especially in light of having everyone from the kids at school to my own mom constantly throwing ableist slurs at me for my mannerisms, erratic attention span, problems with reading social cues, and difficulty understanding certain concepts as quickly as some people, despite still having been a straight-A student who was almost always top of my class when all was said and done.
My family's support was always conditional of whether they thought what I was doing was 'worthwhile' and it usually felt like I was being valued on the basis of my most recent report cards; me having a B average in 9th grade math by the semester's halfway point was completely unacceptable and created a lot of drama in my household. When I was writing A+ papers for my mom's college classes and letting her put her name on them, winning state spelling bees, getting accepted into college-credit programs by the time I was 14 etc. I'm "so, so smart" and "a bona fide genius", but the moment I slipped up and got a less-than-satisfactory grade or did a household task the wrong way I'm "f*****g r*tard*d" and have no future. I'm guessing it's the reason I pretty much completely fall apart when I fail at anything, and get enraged at being 'outdone' by people in a way that causes me to seem less competent, especially if it seems to come easily to them.

Even though I was a straight-A student, a lot of drama and poor judgment resulted in my quitting high school and getting a GED at 16 instead of a high school diploma, and then only being able to go to a sh***y small-town community college populated almost entirely by middle-aged-or-older people I had nothing in common with and aggressive young-republican fundamentalist Christians I had to stay in the closet around, instead of the vibrant, artsy, nurturing university environment I was promised before my mom's meddling made that unfeasible at the time. Got so depressed that my grades suffered heavily and I had to stop going there, and began feeling a heavy sense of resentment and anger towards people who got to graduate the traditional way and then go to a real college and make friends, have a good time, and gain respect as a person the traditional way (since I've been both treated like and outright told to my face that I'm a stunted half-person for not having had 'the college experience' at that specific age and that it's too late to 'fix' or 'salvage' my life and from that). In the years since then (I'm 25 now) it's only gotten worse and more intense, and the suicidal feelings have increased exponentially. I'm covered in deep, gnarly scars and discolored pigment from all the extensive cutting and burning I've been doing over the years since, to the point where I can't be shirtless around anyone without becoming the center of attention and getting a lot of uncomfortable questions. For the past few years I haven't been able to interact with people I know for a fact are college students, be on or near a campus, or even hear keywords in passing like "college", "university", "campus", "dorm", "midterm", "pledge", etc. without being overcome with anger and depression and losing all ability to function for the rest of the day. As the years have continued it's festered to the point that no matter what I'm doing, I'm thinking about that all day every day completely unprovoked from the moment I wake up, and have been withdrawing/isolating more and lashing out more often as time has passed. Almost every night for years now I dream about it, like idealized fantasies of what it would have been like and how things would be different for me now. And then wake up angry and hostile and regretting my continued existence straight out of bed because of that. I'm constantly so angry that my heart is beating out of my chest all day to where I can't focus on anything, I have frequent random crying spells (which is affecting my job), and I'm completely physically and emotionally exhausted after about four hours of being awake. My libido has shrunk to almost nothing because of how angry and depressed I am all the time and it's affecting my relationship. I can't even be around anyone anywhere near my age bracket anymore because I somehow never meet anyone in their 20s who didn't start college at 18 and/or has already graduated, so now my mind automatically jumps to the conclusion that anyone I meet with any potentially similar interests is a college student and therefore scum of the earth who I genuinely want to cause bodily harm to. I can't even be around people of any age anymore if they visibly appear to be in a good mood or getting any form of enjoyment out of life without feeling jealous and angry - I just want to grab them and shake them. "Why do you get to feel anything other than dread at the thought of waking up every morning? Do you even live on the same planet as me? What do have to be so goddamn happy about? Why are you so special?" And in turn I jump to the feeling that they must either be an ignorant moron who's too stupid to see what an ugly, disgusting s**thole the world is, or a pampered dipshit who's never experienced adversity or worked a day in their life. Which isn't doing any favors for my increasingly painful feelings of loneliness; I've never really had friends to begin with and don't know how to make any, and it's even rougher having recently moved to a new state across the country (in a prominent college town no less). And the few times I've made acquaintances who could potentially become friends, that bitterness inevitably boils up over the rim of the pot at some time or another and I drive them away... sometimes intentionally out of sheer anger and disgust and the urge to at least just hurt them verbally, over them saying the slightest thing to rub me the wrong way - usually something related to stuff they're doing in college now or stuff they did back when they were in college or one of those other trigger words (apologies if I'm using this incorrectly).

Thing is, I know it's not too late for me to go. I could sign up for classes right now. But because of how I was raised, literally my entire childhood was building up to graduating high school and then going straight to a specific arts-college at 18. The thought of doing it at 25 is just upsetting and makes me feel like a failure, especially after having recently worked at a prestigious arts-oriented high school around graduation time earlier this year and hearing about half a dozen different teachers/faculty members give a speech about how important it is to go at 18 "not even for the academic aspect, since a degree isn't worth much these days, but for the formative experiences that are vital to becoming a healthy, fully-emotionally-developed adult, make mistakes you can learn from, and form lasting connections." With a repeated, specific emphasis that "you don't want to be that loser who's 25 and just starting in a classroom full of teenagers". Even with my therapist and my fiance (who I'm with because he pursued me; I still don't know how to meet people) both telling me that it's the best possible way to meet people with similar interests and also to feel better about myself, just the thought of being in a classroom full of 18-year-olds at my age sounds as painful and infuriating as it does pointless, and I can't imagine this obtrusive emotional reaction allowing me to tear down any of these walls and feel anything but contempt for the people around me there. I used to love the idea of goofing around and going to campus parties and events and having the get-out-of-jail-free card they always get for being kids giving a last hurrah before adulthood, but now it makes me angry just to think about because I was basically forced to jump from an extremely sheltered childhood to 9-to-5, rent-and-bills adulthood where I'm called pathetic and immature for wishing I could have done the teenage/college-student s**t I had to miss out on that everyone else looks back on fondly as experiences inextricably tied to their college years, like frequently going to concerts or experimenting with psychedelics. My fiance just started law school and even though the anger is tempered a bit by the fact that nobody actually likes being at law school and nobody's having much of a good time, but that resentment is still perched there right on my head growing bigger and I don't know how long I can keep it under my hat. It was bad enough knowing he went to a regular college and actually did enjoy himself enough that he says he'd go back and do it all over again, crippling student debt or not. Sometimes I honestly hate him for that.

I understand I have a problem. I know it makes me an as*hole scumbag with fewer redeeming qualities every day. I've recognized that for a very long time. I know that I am everything wrong with myself and all of my negativity is irrational and solely my fault, mental illness/irregular neurotype or not, because I'm stubbornly feeding into it. No matter how many people tell me this, I can't just suddenly have an epiphany and turn it off like they expect me to from hearing it. I recognize that it's drastically lowering my quality of life and slowly killing me. Understanding/acceptance is always regarded as the first step and most immediate way to begin lifting the weight from your shoulders. That's what I always hear, no matter what doctor I go to. But it's never helped in any way. That knowledge only makes the feelings more intense because I feel even more defective as a person for not being able to control my thoughts and emotions, and more resentful towards people who are able to freely enjoy themselves and actually get something out of life, and the whole damn cycle loops back and starts over again. The more I fight it, the worse it gets. The more I ignore it, the worse it gets. And with that, the therapists are always completely out of ideas otherwise.
The temporary pink clouds and optimistic days have gotten more and more infrequent over the years and it feels like a parasite that's gained an immunity to every treatment I throw at it. I've been taking medication and seeing therapists for almost 12 years and it's still just been a steady decline. I'm always being told that I have to treat all my illnesses at once in order for any of them to improve because they all go hand-in-hand, but no matter what I do and how strongly my therapist advocates for it I still can't even get the proper medication I need to deal with my ADHD specifically because of, you guessed it, rampant abuse by f*****g college kids. Drugs and alcohol have been literally the only even-temporary reprieve from these feelings (I haven't made another active suicide attempt since discovering them) but that's obviously not healthy to use as a crutch. Supposedly, stopping those things will automatically do a lot to help my mood/thought process overall. But extended periods of abstinence from them have never made any difference aside from losing those temporary breaks from feeling sh***y (I still feel bad but the self-destructive urges aren't so overpowering until I start abstaining again), and thus feeling even more dysfunctional as a person overall

I dunno... I doubt anyone is still reading this, but I was just hoping I could talk about it with someone who maybe has some idea what this feels like and/or knows ways to cope... Both my fiance and therapist get irritated with me or even downright disgusted or disturbed by my attitude because the gist of this post is usually the answer I give whenever they ask why I'm sad (because I'm visibly sad almost 24/7) and they understandably can't comprehend why anyone would possibly feel this way. So don't really have much advice to give beyond "Why are you thinking about something that makes you so sad? Just don't think about it." Boy, how helpful is that? Especially considering I work for the city's school system, and often with graduating seniors, so reminders are completely unavoidable by nature of the job. Whoever said aversion therapy works is either a liar or an idiot.

But uh... Yeah. Hi. Is there anybody here who feels or has felt even remotely similarly to this?

Well to sum it up I can relate to just about everything you've said. My life revolves around finding something or someway to be happy. I'm also in a relationship and although I love her so much, I find loving life itself rather difficult/ impossible.

Every morning I wake in agony, realizing I'm still alive and all this pain and suffering is here to stay. I just hope sometimes I will wakeup and realize I'm just stuck in a bad dream.

Since that hasn't happened and I'm here whether I like it or not, I've devoted my existence to trying to please others in hopes that I'll get back what I put in. I won't lie I rely on a combination of adderall, klonopin, and moderate alcohol consumption to help me through my days. If it weren't for the adderall and klonopin I don't think I'd have the energy or will to go on pleasing my girlfriend, pets, and family.....sounds sh***y but it's just all too much emotional / thought/ sensory overload.

I used to play with fire and make very irresponsible choices sometimes just to take the pain away (IV heroin) but have cleaned up a year now. I still have a back up plan to "check out" drug overdose if I can't get better, but it's a last resort and
I'm hoping to God I find some comfort with out drugs very soon because I'm really starting to feel as though this life just isn't worth the energy and pain, just to exist.....so I'm hoping that my girlfriend will help me find a reason to wake up in the mornings. She's an amazing person and I want our lives to mesh, it's just gonna take some work.

I read the whole thing. Have you thought about a writing career?
Try smashwords, then you'll have finances & career sorted.

The grass is always greener on the other side:
Everyone thinks others have a perfect life & family, most simply hide it well.
It's time that you forgave & forgot your family.
Everything is up to you, and I'm sorry that you've found out that the world is a harsh place.
I'd be real nice if there was a class in high school that taught students that.

Many people fail university, even drop out of school early.
As you said uni qualifications don't mean much these days - people want experience.
Also many professions are being superseded by computers. Most people don't even use what they have studied in university.

You're intelligent, and free from your family.
Now you have the choice to be happy, free yourself from societies expectations & judgements.
You have survived adolescence and some tough times, you are strong, intelligent.
Now the future is yours, it's your life, you don't have to let anyone affect you now.

As for that therapist. He could have hated his job. Perhaps he won lotto, or had a traumatic thing happen in his life.
As far as mean people, just stay clear of them.
When making friends do it via hobbies that you are interested in.
And don't get too close that you are having conversations that you are uncomfortable with. Arrive play a game of pool (or whatever) then leave. If you have to chat, make it about something fickle, current news events (Trump Vs Hillary) make light of how crazy it is, and don't give an opinion if they ask 'Who are you voting for?' "There is no way I can decide!"
You can make up a lie if they ask you about university "Oh, I was already self employed, so I did not need to go to university." if you are comfortable with that. Otherwise you can avoid any subjects that you are not comfortable talking about.

I'm finally getting to go to the University that I have always had dreams of going to - at the age of 46.

I used to write a lot; for a long time I wanted to be a journalist and I've also done screenwriting and short story type stuff that obviously will never get off the ground. Those were some of the goals I had in mind in high school/community college that crashed and burned like every other dream of mine. I still write when I have the sporadic motivation to, but it gets harder and harder to work up the energy to even try, and I can barely focus on anything enough anymore to have any functional degree of follow-through. I've been trying to write more just because I'm in a living/social situation where I can't talk about anything with anyone and need an outlet for all this anger, and I'm hoping against hope that it will result in something positive. Though maybe that's a bad idea because despite hitting failure and disappointment with every endeavor I never get used to it and every time I come away feeling worse than before.



Yeah, and it really sucks because I know all of this is completely true. It's just like I can't accept it on an emotional level. Every important decision I've made in my life to try and improve things has been an egregious mistake and those failures have piled up around me until they've formed a wall I can't find it in myself to climb over. I have absolutely no self-confidence left and combined with my distrust of other people it makes it really difficult for me to take praise or motivation seriously. I consistently got glowing praise at the job I mentioned in the original post and was considered a go-to guy but I still felt/feel like a complete f**kup. Oftentimes it feels really unfair in my eyes that they hammer in all this crap when you're a kid about how you're in control of your own destiny and happiness no matter what, that you can do or become anything you want to, that there's a big wonderful world out there that they hype you up for, when for the majority of my life all of that has felt like a malicious lie and that they set you up to aim impossibly high. I find myself wishing that instead they'd focus on explaining how consistently, inherently horrible human beings/society are and that you have very weak chances of success or happiness, because maybe with lower expectations, adulthood won't feel like such a betrayal on everyone's part. Even though from a logical standpoint I know that absolutely wouldn't work out in practice.



Yeah, I have plenty of acquaintances through my boyfriend who dropped out/didn't finish but just the fact that they went at all makes me seethe at the very sight or mention of them. For a little while I was forced to crash in the spare room of someone who lived a block away from a major university (which they went to), with student housing all up and down the block, and I spent almost a month as an isolated shut-in because of it while going out of my way to never see or speak to my housemates and cutting every day. Like you said, people really just want 'that' experience, everyone knows their degree and skills are going to be worth something between jack and s**t, but it doesn't change the fact that they still got that experience I never got a chance to have even though I was 'supposed' to. Which is really the root of all this, I think. I'm being pushed into reluctantly signing up for classes in January because my boyfriend is convinced and keeps repeating that he gives me his word, 100%, that I'll enjoy it and it will make me truly happy and vastly improve my quality of life, and that if I don't then I have no future. But I really don't give a rat's ass about credits or a degree because I already know I have no future seeing as I'm going to be dealing with this mental illness for the rest of my life. Deep down I'm only agreeing to do this for bragging rights to blame him for breaking his promise when it inevitably turns out badly, though I know that would be manipulative bordering on abusive and to actually do it would be out-of-character even for me. But I truly can't think of a single other motivating factor for going and I've self-harmed over the thought of going (though he doesn't know I've been cutting at all within the past several months).



Thank you... I don't mean to be ungrateful or seem like I'm dismissing the support but I don't know how to make myself believe any of that. What are some coping skills I could use to convince myself of those things? Since my therapist doesn't seem to be able to quite grasp where I'm coming from and so doesn't really have much advice for that element of things and always tries to change the subject to less-relevant stuff like my relationship or sleep patterns when I talk about this. Typical in my experience.



That's genuinely great advice. The only problem is this really weird catch-22 I've built for myself where despite the need to make meaningful connections, as much as I hate being around people my age and the way I often get ridiculed for my interests, I feel even more hostility towards the ones who I share those interests with because a lot of the things I like are generally associated with/followed by indie-geek-type college kids. It confuses the hell out of me, there are times where I'll go out and socialize and even enjoy myself while doing it, think someone is cool and want to hang out with them more, and make an exit before I run out of social energy or show what a dull and desperate loser I am, but then once I get home I ruminate and somehow talk myself into an emotional 180 and suddenly despise them, avoid ever being around them again, and hold an empty, pointless grudge because of the fact that they are invariably currently in or fresh out of school or that they have a support system or that they have good things happen to them or can even pretend to enjoy any part of their life. Two weeks ago, for the first time I got to see my all-time favorite band play live, and I enjoyed it a lot while I was there, but ever since then, any good memories of the concert are completely overshadowed by seething resentment towards having been surrounded by all the young folks and people getting out of cars with uni parking stickers.

I'm making an effort to spend more time around people and come out of my shell and I know it's going to take a lot of practice and challenging myself but so far it's mostly done more harm than good. I don't know why I'm so f****d up in the head. Every time there's even the faintest spark of positivity I automatically run through this inescapable series of logical leaps to prove to myself why I'm actually wrong for feeling it. I truly am my own worst enemy and it's been a losing battle with that son of a b***h.

That's great. It can be difficult, even the best writers are faced with procrastination & lack of motivation.
There is a book series called Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. And to get the author to write a sequel, they literally had to lock him in a room until he did it
Many great authors started out with very short stories, they eventually compiled them in a larger book. And as they got more confident, made some mulah $$$$, worked up to a small novel.
Ernest Hemmingway suffered from Bipolar (that's what I think after reading The Sun Also Rises, even sounds like a motivational phrase), he did alright. I don't think his writing was out of this world, but it had interesting topics or the way he wrote it was appealing. He stuck at it, and it paid off.



I bet you've learned something from all those hard lessons though?



That's a pretty common feeling that many people have.



Yep. But you can do anything, it's just very difficult (they don't tell you how difficult it is, even to get out of bed sometimes). Start out small

You could do a simple short course, if you really wanted to be with the uni crowd.

You say you are intelligent. I can see it in the way you write.
Now you need to believe it, it's a fact. You say you hate lies, well don't lie to yourself.
You've got power to fulfill your dreams. It's just a matter of realising your potential, creating your dreams, it won't be easy.
Nothing is easy. Start small.
Everyone is an idiot, we all make mistakes. Smart people learn from those mistakes, they admit to being stupid. So that is something to keep in mind, if you ever doubt your intelligence.

You never need to see your family or anyone harmful again. The choice is yours, surround yourself with positive helpful people.
It will be difficult, but there are some good people out there. It's just they are few, and so, hard to find.

I have a little notebook, that I keep on me.
It has only a few things written in it, to keep me motivated.
Or help me when I'm feeling low.

One of the top things is "You need to suffer to feel good."
By that, I don't mean real torture or anything. But more a long the lines of discomfort.
If you get up at 5am in the morning, it will be difficult, but then you will see an amazing sunrise.
Or if you go for a run up a hill, it will be tough, but then you'll feel great (running isn't for everyone, could be another exercise).

If you are afraid you've gained weight, but you avoid finding out, then later you will suffer. You have only delayed the suffering, and possibly increased it.
It's more about accepting a little bit of discomfort to feel good.

I have a routine for doing a little bit of tasks at a set time.
This routine is kept to as much as possible.
Until it becomes normal, automatic, the same as brushing teeth. Sometimes I have alarms on my phone, some even reminding me to get ready for bed.

Also ensure that you have set times for breaks, and days off just for relaxing, not even planned weekend activities. It is important to simply blob out and do nothing much at all.

As for your therapist. Perhaps those things are not less-relevant. Sleep is a very important factor in mental well being.
Try to find a very regular sleep pattern, and block out all light. Black curtains that completely cover the windows, and no computer/mobile phone time.
Coffee can make it difficult to sleep, so try not to have that 6 hours before bed time. Chocolate & tea also contain caffeine.

Also try to eat healthy too, fruit & vegetables as much as possible.




Yep, I've hated people. Then I went to try and be sociable but it didn't work. Now I'm becoming more indifferent.
When I see people I hate, and they even try to come up to me and say hello (after backstabbing me). I just pretend that they are a ghost (not scary kind), I pretend that all these people that do not meet my expectations are simply ghosts of what a true person is (in my mind).

Perhaps you have too much time to think. If you can, fill your time with your focus, or a distraction. And perhaps be a bit more indifferent to people, and focus more on your interests. That way when you meet other people you could still talk to them and discuss things without appearing to be too selfcentered, but really you are focusing on your interest and researching/debating your own philosophies.

I've drastically lowered my expectations for people, including my own family.
They are not gods, they are simple people, with problems and faults too. Everyone has achilles heels. Appreciate someone for one trait, Love Tiger Woods for his golfing ability not his personal choices in life. You could hang out with him, play great games of golf, share tips, and then have no other shared time together. He's your golf-friend. If anyone questions you about that other 'stuff', "I don't know about that, I only play golf with him."

That is my view.

I have, but it's all things like "never try because you're still going to fail no matter what", "never expect anything but the absolute worst from other people because they're all just going to hurt you", "the more effort you put in the worse you're going to feel so don't bother" - things that my doctor says I need to un-learn. But again, everyone acts like that's something I can just decide to do voluntarily and let that be the end of it. I know there are more than likely "practical" lessons I could be taking from all this, but this is the most obvious recurring theme. It's like I'm completely incapable of seeing the positive side of any situation.

The other day I was lying in bed watching a fly outside my windowpane that was stuck in spiderweb. The harder it flapped its wings, the further it flew, but every time, it ended up back in the web, and the harder it tried to get away, the more hopelessly stuck it would get when it inevitably got slingshot back into the middle. This kept happening until the spider re-appeared and killed the fly. That feels like a perfect metaphor for my relationship with the world.



And that's part of where all this bitterness comes from... It's so hard and such an uphill battle to even function in the morning, and I've gotten absolutely nowhere in the span of years it's taken everyone else I know to start and finish college and either start grad school or get a real, grown-up job that pays way more than any job I'll ever get. I didn't even get my first minimum-wage food service job until last year. I have a 'good' job now in an office but my boyfriend likes to mock me about how dead-end it is when I say I don't want to take classes right now. I get intense feelings of anger and hostility towards other people because that seems to be the case so often. It's like... Why does it come so easily for other people? Especially if they're as*holes who don't seem to deserve it. Knowing that awful people are more often the ones who succeed fills me with disgust and saps my will to live. Knowing they're going to find some degree of satisfaction in life while I have to deal with this no matter what I do, or that other people who've done nothing wrong have to live in such horrible situations in the meantime, fills me with rage and nothing I do stops it so with everything else, I just wear myself out with anger and envy every day.



That's the thing though... I want/wanted to be in that crowd when I was 18. That's it. I absolutely don't want to be there now, at this age. I wanted to be there when I was 18-through-21 or 22 like everyone else I know. I'm being pushed against my will by my fiance to sign up for a night course and now that I know it's inevitable I've been cutting every day just thinking about it. I've been wearing long sleeves all week because of how bad my wrists look. It's the last thing I want to do now. Aside from the fact that my fiance likes to mock me and tell me it's the only way I'll ever have a halfway-decent job, the only other reason I'm doing it now to be totally honest is because my fiance swears and gives his word that I'll enjoy it and it will completely lift all of these resentments and that I'll feel entirely better afterwards, and I know for a fact that isn't possible and I just want the right to tell him he didn't know what he was talking about and has only ended up severely hurting me even worse.



Yeah... I don't know what it is, but even without contact with any of those people, I just can't accept the notion that I'm 'free'. I don't feel able to do anything that I'd like to, I don't even feel like I have any actual free will. It's all just an illusion and another lie I grew up with. 'Freedom' is a popularity contest and for people with money and privilege.

I've never met anyone who made me feel like the world was worth living in. To be blunt, not even my fiance has. Ever. I feel like everyone I come in contact with is against me and my only option is to reject them before they can reject me. I feel like humans are a burden that wouldn't exist in a perfect world. If there are good people out there, it's news to me. And I sure as hell don't know where to find them. I'm going to try some support groups this coming week but I'm not expecting anything good to come of it since it never has from any support group I've been to before.



I used to do that. Since it's usually in the form of a daily journal though, the bad always outweighs the good and it's never useful to read again after I've written. During a move I was going all the way back through some that I wrote in back in 2007 or so that I'd found, and ended up self-harming afterwards because it made me realize that absolutely nothing has changed for me in 10 years except that so much more time has been stolen from me. So my therapist has actually told me to stop writing things down altogether, because even if I'm trying to leave something nice for myself, it always ends up making me feel worse.



I don't understand. I mean, I get that you 'need' to hurt in order to eventually not hurt, but when is it supposed to stop? How am I supposed to feel anything but angry when I see everyone else I meet my age experiencing at least some small piece of payoff while I'm still waiting for any at all, a quarter-century in? I try everything I'm 'supposed' to be doing but none of it makes me feel anything but more resentment. Doesn't help that a lot of the relatively-'older' people I meet with this same comorbidity (40s-50s) all tell me that even achieving all of your goals, being in a great financial and living situation, 'succeeding' professionally and just in general by most objective measures, that it still never stops hurting, never gets better, nothing is ever enough to get rid of it, and they still can't come up with a reason to get up in the morning and are always self-harming or making suicide attempts or at least constantly thinking about doing so. I don't know if that makes it worse because it's so discouraging or makes it better because I know what to expect and know I probably shouldn't waste my time and put myself through a lifetime of this s**t, but either way, that's where reaching out to other people for help and advice gets me in the best of cases.

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That's definitely the problem. I have way too much time to think. But I can't find anything helpful to take up that time. All the websites emphasize spending time with friends but what does that mean to people with no friends? Exercising hasn't helped because my body can run on autopilot all day long and it doesn't stop me from continuing to think and then just being angry while I'm exercising and feeling completely unfulfilled and unsatisfied afterwards in addition to tired.
Going out and being politically-active in the community has hurt more than it's helped because it inevitably involves being around and interacting with tons of college students, which overshadows any positivity about whatever cause I'm trying to help

I dunno... It's like... Lowering my expectations of people sounds like a great idea in theory, but when I do then it just makes me angrier to see so many sh***y people getting anything at all that they want out of life and having people gravitate towards them and have anything at all go right for them, even if it's just a sliver of satisfaction. I know I'm the only one here that's the problem and the more I think about it the more it feels like the only solution is to take myself out of the equation and walk into traffic.

Coffee, adderall, ritalin may help with getting up in morning.
Some other meds may help you stop thinking.
Medical marijuana might stop those pesky thoughts and improve your mood. Make sure you stay away from the natural stuff as the THC is what causes all the paranoia/schitzophrenia etc.

Adderall, Ritalin, and medical weed are all things I've been pushing for (some of them with the help of my therapist) but nobody want to prescribe those things to me, at least in the first two cases specifically because of college-student abuse, taking my age into account. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to get through to them. And they actually tell me I should try to stop drinking coffee altogether