My lack of control over impulses might kill me.

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Hey, so this is something that I had been ignoring, or more like surpressing in my head. But I discussed this with someone earlier today and it's been seriously messing with me since.

So, I am definitely not one to feel down or depressed on a regular basis. I really move on from bad things that happen, and I'm in general a happy and bubbly person. But when I was around 15, I used to feel depressed constantly. These feelings originated from bad things that happened and it stayed for a long time because of self-pity. When I was about 18 years old I decided that I was no longer going to self pity myself and that made my life so much better.

But now, something is seriously messing with my head. A few years ago I knew I could kill myself if I wanted. Now I am extremely scared knowing I could take my own life even if I don't want to. My lack of control over my impulses is so bad, that when something seriously bad happens, I could easily end my own life. I'm extremely scared, and slowly going insane over the fact that I am capable of doing this, slowly going insane over the fact that I am a danger to myself.

I'm extremely scared and ever since I hit puberty I felt like I would never grow old, I always felt like I would die by my own hands, or by something like murder. I don't know what is happening, I don't know how to stop it, just the thought of knowing you're up against yourself, is truly messing with me.

What should I do?
I know this message is quite short and that I might not get the situation across, but I can't really think right now. I wouldn't say I'm in a paniced state, but I'm calming down from it... So sorry if my message seems weird, unlogical or all over the place.

I once presented myself for voluntary commitment because I was afraid I might commit homicide if the idea grew any larger and I could not stop myself...and that was far from being the only time I was ever afraid of being unable to stop myself from doing personal harm. Only once have I ever been suicidal, but the problem you are asking about and the one I am talking about are identical. My suggestion would be to go to an ER and tell them exactly what you have shared here and then let them advise you in relation to a possible voluntary commitment for 72 hours for evaluation and to put you in touch with some possibilities for professional help.