Borderline Personality disorder. I feel like a monster.

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I was just reading about BPD for the first time and it was horrifying. It seems just like my life. But it also seems really awful. I feel like a bad monster. Why do I have to have this? When people think we are crazy, I just want them to know that I can't help it. I try and try to improve my dealings with people, but I still mess up. Whereas ASD has some profound positives, I feel like BPD is all bad. How do I not feel like a monster if this is who I am?

hello burnt_orange,
i have bpd and autism at the same time. wooooooo.

ok, yeah, bpd is s**t. there is nothing good about it. it tends to be deeply rooted in a history of childhood abuse and is often comorbid with other mental illness. f*****g fantastic.

however, there are therapies if you're interested.
CBT was not helpful for me, but DBT was. maybe look DBT up and see what you think. there might be therapists or group therapy sessions in your area. there are also DBT help books that you can find on amazon.
therapy isn't a magical fix-all, of course. it's just a tool, and not a universal tool at that.

beyond official therapy, it really just takes time and effort and mindfulness to work on dealing with emotional-behavioral problems like these. i'm nowhere close to "better" but i am better than i was before in handling certain aspects of the disorder, and this is only after about 4 years of having the diagnosis.

i guess what i'm saying is you can't help being ill but you aren't completely helpless either.

i think it's also important to remember that getting better isn't a linear process, and to not be discouraged by having ups and downs.

Thank you seaweed. It's frustrating self- diagnosing later in life. Honestly, I've probably lived through the worst of BPD. Age has helped. But no psychologist has ever picked up on it, just depression.

What is really worse is that I think my son who is 7 has both ASD and BPD too. I hate that he has to grow up with this.

But really. Aren't people with BPD the types you'd be warned to stay away from? It's just...yeah, I feel like a monster. We're supposed to be master manipulators. That's terrible. I don't feel like I'm manipulative. But I do recognize many of the negative characteristics in myself. I hate to see it spelled out like that though. But then again, it's a relief I guess. Now I can choose to do something about it.

I wouldn't jump the gun just yet , it's very easy to fit a written diagnosis ( God knows I'm guilty of it ). I would seek a professionals opinion before you label yourself. Incidently can you send me the link to the pages you were reading on BPD - I also suspect BPD about myself - hows that for hypocrisy

For a brief moment I thought I had BPD after seeing Girl Interrupted and my mom was like "They said it was Asperger's" and I kept telling her about the movie and she goes "Then talk to (my therapist) about it."

But honestly after watching the movie again, Susanna didn't seem to have it because she didn't act like how BPD is described in the articles about them being toxic and dangerous. She did try to kill herself yes but I think it could have just been depression and she was going through a hard time. She wasn't manipulative or had immature emotions and didn't do any splitting. She seemed to handled herself fine. Yes she was sometimes defiant but so was I when I was depressed and going through hard times and I also threatened to kill myself and always talked about it. That's how easy it is to self diagnose just because you can relate to a character and they had a diagnoses.

But if you are concerned about having BPD, talk to your therapist about it.

You can also have borderline tendencies without being considered actual borderline; that's my diagnosis. I was diagnosed by a toxic incompetent with BPD, then with "borderline tendencies" by someone more competent.

your 7 year old son? no, most likely not.
there is a reason why except for in extremely atypical cases, bpd can't be diagnosed until a person reaches the age of 18. 7 is WAY too young, i promise. but if you're worried about his mental health you could always bring him to a therapist to get a professional opinion.

yeah, i suppose so, but that's also just a (detrimental) caricature of the illness. personally, i don't struggle with manipulative behavior or attention seeking. to be diagnosed with BPD you only have to fit at least 5 out of 9 criteria markers and manipulation isn't even technically only one one of them, although it can certainly be a possible aspect of a few of them. but even if you do struggle with manipulative behavior, understanding that the way you treat people is a projection of the pain you have inside yourself is the first step in changing it. and yes, it's definitely a choice and a commitment but that's how it has to be done.