Can anyone relate??

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Hello everybody. I want to thank everyone ahead of time who takes the time to read this. Bare with me cause this is probably going to be all over the place.

Lately I feel like I'm losing it. I know, I know. Your first thought is going to be, "Well, you probably need to see a therapist."
The thing about that is I don't believe anyone can help me. How is another human being going to have the right things to say, that I don't already know? And I don't believe in taking pills. First off, I have a drinking problem. As this is probably a root cause for most of my psychological issues, it just seems hard to enjoy life without it. I can't pick up any video games without it, and I've been a gamer all my life. My social skills are lacking, especially without alcohol and I'd guess that would also somewhat be from my tendencies to isolate myself. I'm 26 and I still live with my parents and my room is my messy cave. The only time I get out is to go to work, get food, use the restroom, go to the liquor store or talk to my Mom and see what's up with her. I am starting to pay rent, and I have car payments and car insurance. So, I do have some responsibilities, I just feel like sh** for still being here. I hate the fact that I have a hard time socializing. It's like I can't think of anything to say, almost like a monkey with symbols clapping in my head. I tend to think deeper than most and I find most people's conversations pointless. Sometimes people randomly say "autism" around me and I believe it's their response to my awkward social skills. I have never been diagnosed but it gets me when people say that or think I'm stupid. Even more I have a hard time listening. I'm more focused on what the person thinks of my eyes or if I look lost, or if they can see my sins in my windows to my soul. I've been diving into Christianity so you can imagine how I feel when I sin. Like a big screw up and inviting demons into my life. I never was religious, and my parents aren't either. I've just had a trippy past and I notice the Illuminati in every program and their Satanic agenda. It's like it's all scared me into believing in hell and God. I've smoked pot for 10 years (hardly smoke anymore cause I get even more paranoid), and I have done several drugs in the past. (Free of all of it, just the drinking has me now.) This might be another cause for my mind and it's current state. I've researched a lot of testimonies and people who have went through similar stuff like me and came out to be Christians. I believe that we can be possessed by demons, like our bodies are temples for the other side. And whatever drugs you take (hence alcohol is called spirits) gives those demons a right to do as they please with your mind and body. That's why it's meant to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit. It's not like you see in the movies though. I used to work as a security guard at a Mental Hospital until I lost my job due to drinking. So maybe from working there has drove me a little nutty. I don't share this with anybody, for obvious reasons but I feel like people can sense that I'm on the edge. I feel so empty, and scared. I think I have developed some sort of schizophrenia it's just not the intense kind. I try not to do too much research on it. Mainly like I said, most of my psychological issues are likely due to alcohol and it's effects on my nervous system.. I just want to know if there is anyone like me who wants to talk on the matter. Also I AM trying to kill the drinking but it's my master at the moment. Any feedback or conversation is welcome. Thank you again, for taking the time to read this if you did.
Like I said... All over the place..

First off, I'm sorry about your problems. I've never had a drinking/drug problem, but I know what fear, guilt and hopelessness feel like.

But you say you're becoming a Christian. Great! I've been Christian (Catholic specifically) since before I could walk or talk. And because of that, I know that God is all-merciful. He forgives every sin without a moment's hesitation, as shown in the tale of the prodigal son. To give some context about the story, in Jesus' culture, asking for your inheritance early was effectively wishing your father dead. Yet even after the son asked for his share of the (hard-earned) inheritance early and then went out and wasted it on drinking/drugs/partying in a foreign country, associating with Gentiles, prostitutes and pigs, his father eagerly awaited his return. When the son returned, the father RAN to him (also a huge no-no in that culture) and hugged and kissed him, because he loved him and wanted him back so much. He accepted his son back as a son, not as a servant. So please relax about your past. If you are willing to live a good life from here on out, God will accept you as a beloved son. Even if you mess up again, there is no limit on the number of pardons.

Jesus also said that following him requires taking up your cross. That is, you need to accept and offer to God all the difficulties and trials that come your way. That does not mean wishing your suffering upon God; rather, it means not complaining about it, because God only allows evil for some greater good. Maybe your sufferings are meant to help you grow in holiness/attain more merits in heaven, or maybe they are meant to obtain blessings for others. Those sufferings can include chronic temptations, like your addiction to alcohol. (Drug abuse is wrong because it harms you and can harm others, as you describe. Ultimately, anything that harms God's children offends God). Keep trying to beat it! We are invited to live in freedom, which means being our own masters (under God, of course) rather than letting the things of this world enslave us. You may need to seek professional help, but you CAN overcome a drinking problem.

Oh, and speaking of professional help, your affliction is very probably mental rather than spiritual. Demonic possession is very rare these days, and it usually comes about by deliberate invitation (through means such as self-disfigurement or occult practices). The Church technically still does exorcisms, but only after a thorough examination by a psychiatrist to rule out any natural explanation (i.e., any mental health problem). Of course, even treating a psychological malady is easier said than done, but there is hope for you.

I'm not a fan of most forms of therapy and psychology. To me, most of it seems laughably stupid. But it'd take forever for me to explain, let's just say I have my thoughts and my personal negative experiences which have jaded me to it considerably.
That being said, sometimes it's helpful if you can find the right person who isn't going to treat you like a piece of meat, a paycheck, or a bizarre deep sea creature. An outside perspective, if acknowledged and heard clearly, can offer a wealth of information previously un-discoverable that can be utilized greatly to your advantage. But you have to be willing to listen and have an open mind.

Yeah, the drinking is ****ing you up. You have to cut back, a lot. A LOT. It's shocking how much alcohol can alter your ability to process and understand your environment when you're sober. It also almost completely erases your ability to understand yourself.
I'm an alcoholic. I go off and on. My worst was years ago. I was blackout about 3-5 days out of a week for about 1 1/2- 2 years. I couldn't tell you exactly how long, because that's how much it damaged my sense of time. Hell, it could've even been every night for all I know. I struggle with it a lot. It's an emergency handle when I have to go out in public and socialize in a party-type or event setting. I'm horrible at "peopling" without it, and I rapidly deteriorate to the point of going mute, hiding in the dark alone somewhere, and curling up in actual physical agony from over-stimulation.
You have to get away from the booze if you want to ever be able to be in command of yourself and your head. I won't tell you to quit completely, but I'll tell you this... the less you drink, the more you'll level out and be able to handle what's happening in your head.

I've been where you are. I was there not too long ago. It's escapable.