I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm scared

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If there was already a thread for BPD, my apologies I did not see any recent discussions when I searched.

So recently I have learned I have Borderline. Before there was issues of not knowing/differential diagnosis which included Bipolar 2, but my mood shifts much faster than is common with Bipolar plus having almost all the major symptoms of Borderline. I am on mood stabilizers and antidepressants from before the Borderline diagnosis, which helps some of the most intense depressive and hyper/aggressive/anger issues. Before it was almost impossible to control.

But the above stolid paragraph...is a bit misleading..because the truth is I'm deeply scared. Scared of myself, scared I might hurt others, especially the one's I'm closest too. I knew something was wrong for a long time...I've had issues with unstable relationships, intense anger in the past... I lost my best friend after hardly having any friends in years, due to issues with Borderline. She felt emotionally abused by me.. people familiar with the situation urged me to seek help, that led to me where I am now ultimately. But... hurt still keeps happening. When I think of some of the things I've done, I'm terrified. It's a constant battle to keep things under control, knowing what could happen if I don't.

When I began the process of getting treatment, I really hoped I didn't have something like Borderline. The book Evil Genes covers the psychological issues behind people who do things considered "twisted and evil" and how it can stem from someone having, yep, BPD. Someone once remarked on my ability to know right from wrong and "still jump 2 feet in the wrong direction". I've been told by others that they didn't talk to me much because they were "scared of me". I have trouble blaming them, though it still hurts a lot. Sometimes the places my mind goes terrifies me. I'm trying to avoid giving too much graphic detail here. I have trouble not thinking that I am a terrible person.

My therapy session on Wednesday can't come soon enough. My first since the BPD realization. Yet I am concerned because it often has not been enough. The professionals seeing me seem keen on understating my issues, apparently because I like the and am easily able to be affable and friendly in my sessions. It's only when I force them to go through specific criteria that I seem to make them realize. In the meantime here I am, scared, after having another unpleasant outburst of anger with my fiance. I'm at a bit of a loss right now. It is fortunate my partner is supportive, but has issues of their own and it's hard on both of us.

BPD predominantly comes from some form of childhood abuse. This may or may not be what has happened with you but it is the most common.

Those with BPD can often be 'toxic' to other people. Which aligns with the break down of relationships you mentioned. This does not mean you are a terrible person though!

It will be hard and you will have to undoubtedly delve into your past where some painful things may be hiding. But if you can keep seeking to be "better" and try to be open you can learn to get a handle on the beast.

You very well have become as you are because you were a victim at some point but you don't have to be held hostage by that. You going to therapy and doing your best to participate (to do the work) is a step forward in taking responsibility for yourself, feel good about that.

Fear is unpleasant but I don't think it's a bad thing for you. Being afraid of hurting others means you have a conscience. Use the fear to drive you forward.

Remember that healing takes time and so does reprogramming; so try to be patient with yourself. If there's something specific youd like to address about yourself (like the anger outburst) ask your therapist questions about it. Such as how you can learn to identify when you may be headed that way or how you might be able to De-escalate yourself. There may be trial and error, and you may have to hold fast with some things before you see of feel anything is helping. But if you work at it and stick with it I'm sure you will be able to gain some control to be healthier and more at ease.

BPD and BPD-like traits often stem from insecure, abusive past. Working it through would be hard but it's worth it.
Also, there is Dialectical Behavior Therapy that helps to control dangerous, destructive behaviors. It's very responsible of you thet you seek help and do your best to work with therapist.
Also, I think that your fear of hurting others indicates that ultimately you are a good person.

I am really sorry. I hope everything will be alright. Best of luck to you!