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Bipolar best friend is turning into an addict. :( Help

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ElmoTheDestroyer
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21 Apr 2020, 1:00 am

Hi everyone,

Long post, sorry… I have a really big problem and I need some advice. (bipolar + drug problem intervention)

My best, and only real friend is bipolar. I’m also her best friend. Friends since we were kids, she’s almost 40 now.

The last 8 months of her life have been hell. Her ex was/is stalking her (restraining order even), she blew out 2 discs in her back and needs surgery, and she had a cancer scare. Initial positive test, then got 2 negative biopsy’s… and her dad just lost his leg from a blood clot, and this is just some of the craziness…

So she went from super stressed/depressed to being cancer free, which triggered her mania pretty bad. Still lots of stress/depression, but mania is overriding most of it as the primary state currently.

I offered to let her and her daughter move in with me for a year (I live on an island 2000 miles away), to get away from the stalker causing all the stress, and to help her through her medical issues.

Basically an all-expenses paid trip to an island with her bestfriend, 100% paid for, and offered to help her get her own apartment and a better job when she went home (I got connections) … She agreed, but has been delaying…

Since this started, her communication has been bad… We used to talk all the time, but for months its been very sporadic/nearly impossible to get her to set aside time for a call. When we do talk, it’s real short, usually about a specific topic then she has to run… No time to talk about “problems”.

She’s been acting REALLY strange in a lot of ways, so I finally started talking to some of our mutual friends who are local to her.

Long story short, she’s been drinking a fair bit more than normal, as well as abusing a few different drugs… Klonopin for sure (she’s come home to her roommate almost unable to walk and said that was all she took, she’s not normally like that on Xanax/klonopin) .. He’s also overheard her talking about Ecstasy on a number of occasions.

Her best “girl-friend” locally also hasn’t seen her much, and a few weeks prior when my friend picked up her daughter from a playdate at her friends house, she said she was acting really strange and her nose was all red. Seemed like she was on something for sure.

There might be a little coke involved too, not sure on that one but there are some signs…

Bottom line… Myself and her other “close” friends are all being pushed away and lied to… Drugs are definitely a part of that. Even her 6 year old is paying a price… The nights mommy comes home drugged, she sleeps half the next day, her kid doesn’t get to play with her… Her roommate/pseudo BF just watches her all day. … She also leaves to go over to a “friends” house (drugs) some nights, and so she’s gone then too and he’s stuck babysitting…

I’m 2000 miles away but I think I’m going to fly back (during this f*****g pandemic) to try to talk, maybe get her other friends and do some kind of intervention.

If anyone has some suggestions on how to handle out of control bipolar who’s starting to delve into drugs to self medicate because things are bad right now, I would really appreciate it.

Never tried to do any kind of intervention, no idea what to do really, I’m just scared I’m losing my best friend, and her 6 year old needs her mom (daddy abandoned her when she was 3), and I’m so scared CPS could get involved, and she had a hard battle to get custody, I’d hate for her to lose that over this.

Please help, any suggestions would be super appreciated!



Fnord
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21 Apr 2020, 8:35 am

ElmoTheDestroyer wrote:
... If anyone has some suggestions on how to handle out of control bipolar who’s starting to delve into drugs to self medicate because things are bad right now, I would really appreciate it...
Notify the Child Protective Services in your friend's area.  Even foster care is better than living with an addict.

The only other advice I could give is the "Tough Love" kind -- not pleasant, and derived from my own experiences of dealing with addicts.  Basically, it all boils down to completely forgetting about your friend and focusing solely on saving the life of the child.



Fnord
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23 Apr 2020, 10:12 am

I read this "Dear Amy" column in a Michigan newsfeed:

Quote:
Dear Amy: You frequently suggest books for people to read on the subject they are worried about.  I have a son who has been drinking for quite a while now, and he is not realistic about his problem.  He is 53, and otherwise a very nice person.

Could you suggest a book for him that may catch his eye and cause him to think about his drinking?  I would very much appreciate your input.

-- Dad

Dear Dad: Some books can offer up unforgettable "ah-ha" moments, but -- when it comes to addiction -- the personal realization needs to come first, followed by acceptance, the humility required to desire genuine and lasting change, and the determination to try.

Here I am, staring at a shelf-full of diet books, all of which seemed like a solution when I acquired them, but none of which proved useful until I decided to take responsibility -- and be accountable -- for my own behavior. And then -- what do you know -- I didn't need a book.

So no -- although addiction memoirs and self-help books are abundant, I don't think there is a magic book out there that would inspire your son toward rapid change.

However, if handing your son a book would help YOU to talk to him about his drinking, then you could present him with: “Recovery: Freedom from Our Addictions,” by Russell Brand (2018, Picador).  Brand is a British actor, comedian, podcaster, autodidact, and all-around wonderful weirdo who is in recovery for his own multiple addictions.  This book contains some smart insights.

More important than any book, however, would be your decision to tell your son your own truth about his drinking. Are you worried?  Say so.  Do you want to try to help?  Tell him.

You will feel better if you can learn and practice the art of detachment.  When it comes to your son's drinking, you are, in fact, powerless.  This can be a very challenging truth for a parent to accept.

Al-anon's supportive community would be a source of comfort and knowledge for you -- check Al-anon.org for local meetings and online support.  The Al-anon "bible" is "Courage to Change," (1992, Al-anon Family Groups).  You might benefit from its daily readings and meditations.
I would add to this that you should never loan or give money to an addict, you should never let an addict move in with you (even for one night), and you should never bail an addict out of jail -- once you have done any of these things, you have also become morally responsible for the addict's addiction and criminal activities.  It's a one-way path, so don't go down there or you will never come back.