Sudden fear of abandonment and constant anxiety
11 May 2020, 11:14 pm
For my whole life I've been neglected and abused in other ways by two sets of parents, but eventually, that became my normal. I don't think this has much to do with what I am experiencing, but I'm mentioning it just in case. After moving out I moved in with someone who didn't really have my best interests in mind and was connected to a huge trauma that happened in my life. I don't want to go into detail about it, but my best friend who I have an unhealthy attachment to was forced away from me and traumatized severely. I was also traumatized by his own trauma and the fact that I couldn't get to him.
Whenever he struggles with mental health I go crazy because I feel like it's the end of the world, I feel like he's going to die and like my whole world is shattering to the ground. I also feel like he will be taken away from me again and I'll never see or even talk to him again. It's horrible. He also isn't very social and needs to be alone to feel better when I feel like I need his constant attention otherwise I go insane. I can't stop thinking about him, worrying, wishing I was there. I usually feel better when he texts me, but when he's okay. It is like I'm addicted to his attention.
I recently moved away from that person and moved in with healthier people and am now closer to my best friend. I feel so much better being closer to him and getting to see him every day in person, but now my paranoia and anxiety is worse. Somehow now, I can't be alone. I can be alone in my room, but I can't stand being alone in an empty house, it made me so terrified they'd never come back. Lately I feel like a young child when this happens too which hasn't happened before that I can recall.
I'd like to detach from my best friend, but not hurt out friendship in any way. I want to stop being obsessed with him and having this unhealthy attachment, I want to be able to cope with us being apart and him not texting me instead of going crazy, and I'd like to be able to cope with him feeling bad too and not feel like my world is ending. Does anyone have any advice or similar experiences? I feel alone in this.
funeralxempire
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12 May 2020, 10:58 am
You're not alone in feeling that way. While it's not really a sign of healthy attachment, it is something that is likely to improve as life's experiences start demonstrating that some people aren't going to abandon or neglect you. As you experience that more and learn to trust that that's closer to 'normal' insecurities over things reverting to what you've been shown is normal should diminish over time.
This might be where a therapist comes in handy, because they'll be able to reinforce your acceptance of not needing to be prepared to be rejected, abandoned or neglected all the time. They're also paid to deal with seeing more of people's abnormal behaviour, so even if asking one's sigoth over and over again if fears of abandonment is an unreasonable behaviour, the therapist won't become annoyed and will keep addressing it 'straight on' and reminding you that it's not unreasonable to feel that way but to still trust the answer you've been given.
_________________
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
You can't advance to the next level without stomping on a few Koopas.
12 May 2020, 6:11 pm
This might be where a therapist comes in handy, because they'll be able to reinforce your acceptance of not needing to be prepared to be rejected, abandoned or neglected all the time. They're also paid to deal with seeing more of people's abnormal behaviour, so even if asking one's sigoth over and over again if fears of abandonment is an unreasonable behaviour, the therapist won't become annoyed and will keep addressing it 'straight on' and reminding you that it's not unreasonable to feel that way but to still trust the answer you've been given.
Thank you and your advice is helpful, but I we were abandoned by people we trust very recently and I've already experienced this sort of thing before, it just seems to keep happening and I wouldn't be able to take him leaving. I don't have access to a therapist right now, but I do appreciate the idea. I just feel like I can't take this anymore and need some coping skills.
funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,294
Location: Right over your left shoulder
12 May 2020, 8:09 pm
This might be where a therapist comes in handy, because they'll be able to reinforce your acceptance of not needing to be prepared to be rejected, abandoned or neglected all the time. They're also paid to deal with seeing more of people's abnormal behaviour, so even if asking one's sigoth over and over again if fears of abandonment is an unreasonable behaviour, the therapist won't become annoyed and will keep addressing it 'straight on' and reminding you that it's not unreasonable to feel that way but to still trust the answer you've been given.
Thank you and your advice is helpful, but I we were abandoned by people we trust very recently and I've already experienced this sort of thing before, it just seems to keep happening and I wouldn't be able to take him leaving. I don't have access to a therapist right now, but I do appreciate the idea. I just feel like I can't take this anymore and need some coping skills.
I get that it's not an episode, it's a pattern. That's why I'm talking more like long-term trends instead of a short-term fix.
Are there ways you can distract yourself, or ways you can compartmentalize your feelings so that you don't have to deal with that feeling while there's no way to actually address it? I'm not very good with advice regarding attachment because I'm usually pretty detached, that's been my maladaptive response to persistent emotional neglect and abandonment during my formative years.
_________________
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
You can't advance to the next level without stomping on a few Koopas.
13 May 2020, 5:37 pm
This might be where a therapist comes in handy, because they'll be able to reinforce your acceptance of not needing to be prepared to be rejected, abandoned or neglected all the time. They're also paid to deal with seeing more of people's abnormal behaviour, so even if asking one's sigoth over and over again if fears of abandonment is an unreasonable behaviour, the therapist won't become annoyed and will keep addressing it 'straight on' and reminding you that it's not unreasonable to feel that way but to still trust the answer you've been given.
Thank you and your advice is helpful, but I we were abandoned by people we trust very recently and I've already experienced this sort of thing before, it just seems to keep happening and I wouldn't be able to take him leaving. I don't have access to a therapist right now, but I do appreciate the idea. I just feel like I can't take this anymore and need some coping skills.
I get that it's not an episode, it's a pattern. That's why I'm talking more like long-term trends instead of a short-term fix.
Are there ways you can distract yourself, or ways you can compartmentalize your feelings so that you don't have to deal with that feeling while there's no way to actually address it? I'm not very good with advice regarding attachment because I'm usually pretty detached, that's been my maladaptive response to persistent emotional neglect and abandonment during my formative years.
Sometimes I can distract myself, but it always seems to come back and haunt me until it's done. It's alright, I still appreciate the help! I'm sorry it has been a struggle for you too.
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,294
Location: Right over your left shoulder
13 May 2020, 7:21 pm
This might be where a therapist comes in handy, because they'll be able to reinforce your acceptance of not needing to be prepared to be rejected, abandoned or neglected all the time. They're also paid to deal with seeing more of people's abnormal behaviour, so even if asking one's sigoth over and over again if fears of abandonment is an unreasonable behaviour, the therapist won't become annoyed and will keep addressing it 'straight on' and reminding you that it's not unreasonable to feel that way but to still trust the answer you've been given.
Thank you and your advice is helpful, but I we were abandoned by people we trust very recently and I've already experienced this sort of thing before, it just seems to keep happening and I wouldn't be able to take him leaving. I don't have access to a therapist right now, but I do appreciate the idea. I just feel like I can't take this anymore and need some coping skills.
I get that it's not an episode, it's a pattern. That's why I'm talking more like long-term trends instead of a short-term fix.
Are there ways you can distract yourself, or ways you can compartmentalize your feelings so that you don't have to deal with that feeling while there's no way to actually address it? I'm not very good with advice regarding attachment because I'm usually pretty detached, that's been my maladaptive response to persistent emotional neglect and abandonment during my formative years.
Sometimes I can distract myself, but it always seems to come back and haunt me until it's done. It's alright, I still appreciate the help! I'm sorry it has been a struggle for you too.
Life is suffering and I'm largely at peace with that notion, although sometimes it feels more like the one definition of suffering instead of the other one (hurting instead of overcoming/tolerating).
_________________
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
You can't advance to the next level without stomping on a few Koopas.
