Stress has my depression hitting hard these days

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This is more of a rant thread, having not been on WP in a while but feeling particularly depressed from chaotic life circumstances lately but just needing somewhere to share what's going on.

So about myself, I suspect I'm on the spectrum but officially I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, ADHD, and general anxiety disorder. I'll be 36 next month, been married for two years(we started dating 7 years ago), have three kids(9, 5, and 1), just graduated with my bachelors degree finally, trying to get a job in the gaming industry, and came out as non-binary transfeminine at the start of the year. Im on a multitude of medications, wellbutrin, prozac, risperdal, strattera, adderall, estradiol, and spironolactone. Combine all that with everything else going on in the world, and 2020 is being incredibly stressful.

Right now my biggest sources of stress are job hunting and my marriage. On the job front I've been applying since April and have had all of 2 interviews so far and many rejection letters. Our lease is up on August 27th from living on campus, having now graduated we have to move, but not having a job lined up we have no idea where. Need to find a job ASAP so I don't end up forced to move back in with my mom, while my wife already said if I don't find a job she's going to take the kids across the country to live with her dad to make sure they have a roof over their heads. I should be working on game projects to keep my skills sharp, but I have a serious lack of intrinsic motivation, needed the structure of University to learn programming at all, and just have a hard time starting and sticking through things without outside forces setting a schedule, on top of it being hard to concentrate at home with 3 kids. I'm pretty sure I could function in a work place with more tangible goals and coworkers to talk problems through with.

And my marriage hasn't been the same since I came out in January. We're pretty much just coparenting at this point. She is no longer attracted to me as I express my femininity more, and it's just weird now.

All these together are stressing me out and leaving me feeling utterly hopeless and depressed at a time I should be at least proud of myself for graduating. Covid-19 canceling commencement certainly didn't help with the lack of feeling accomplished. I feel like I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do.

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling bad and I hope you’re gonna feel better soon enough. But can we firstly talk about your medication, pls?

I mean,
THREE different substances as noradrenaline reuptake inhibitor PLUS one for releasing noradrenaline? Two for dopamine, one for serotonin and then on top of all that, a neuroleptic to DOWNER your dopamine?!

WHY?!

Sorry, but your doctor gives you SO MANY different substances? Excuse me?! Things like that makes me mad. How can doctors be so irresponsible.

Maybe I have exaggerated reactions, because there are substances that are forbidden in europe(Adderall for example).

But since when are you on these medications? Especially the amphetamines? (And I’m not talking about the hormones, don’t worry)

I’m concerned about your brain and your health.

The adderall and straterra are both for ADHD, stimulants like adderall don't really bother me and help me focus a bit better. Still have issues with getting tasks started though. I should look into my medications more but I'd been seeing a nurse practitioner that seemingly was like 'still depressed? Let's add this', it usually helped though surprisingly. I feel like the adderall and risperdal have made the most positive impact on top of the welbutrin I've been on for years. I should probably find a better doctor though. Would be better if I could cut down the number of medications I'm on.

Actually felt a bit better today, had a seemingly positive job interview that had me more optimistic for my future than I had been recently. Started looking at houses in our price range based on some estimate starting pay. Marital problems aside, we're looking into having our own rooms in our next house si we can continue raising the kids together and that helps me feel a bit better. First I need to actually land a job.

Hey
Excuse me, I didn't intend to make any offense towards you. I kinda overlooked the fact, that you have ADHD.
I firstly just didn't understand the point behind this.
Why consuming different medications, that parts of them even have the same effects, instead just sticking with one, and increasing the dosis.
I assume (and hope) you have a low dose intake.

And maybe that's a bit personal, but for what reason do you take the neuroleptic? If you'd have a psychosis/schizophrenia, which is a result of dopamine-overproduction, then you should not take any stimulants in the first place. Or is it for the come down of the stimulants for the evening or the ADHD/Anxiety?
At least you don’t take any benzos..
I'm just shocked of that chemical cocktail and it seems contra productive.
I assume you take it on a daily basis?

Your system must be totally overwhelmed, especially if your body goes through much changement, due to the hormonal intake.

Have you had anxiety disorder before you ever took the stimulants?
We have to consider, that anxiety can, and does mostly increase tremendously with stimulants.

So...

The other things:

Congrats to your bachelor, first of all!

It's very plausible that you'd be on the spectrum, since depression and anxiety is often a result of AS.

If you don't find a job, could you imagine to move across the country along with your wife and kids?

I can kinda understand, how you have a lack of motivation to work on projects without having outside forces and the structure.. Not being able to take action leads in my experience to even more lethargy and a lack of motivation. It's a vicious cycle.

I assume your wife is strictly hetero?
I think that it was the right choice in any case, to make what makes YOU happy.
But it still must be very difficult for you. I think you are very strong and your feelings of being stressed are absolutely reasonable.