BPD and perception of rejection

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For many years I refused to ask people out as I felt that because I am so unlucky I will always be abandoned and rejected and I told all my family and acquaintances that I will always be abandoned and rejected.

A few years back, this one girl asked me out on a date in college a couple years back and I cautiously accepted as OI was fully expecting her to ghost me and tell me literally last minute that she couldn't make it. So, I told all my friends and acquaintances that the girl was going to ghost me, so I didn't even expect the date to happen. So to ensure that wasn't going to happen, I called the girl an hour before the scheduled date and asked her if we were still on, and I lied to her saying I was on my way, as I was testing her to see if she would ghost me last minute as I told people who I knew, as they all believed it was going to be my first date, but I was so pessimistic that whenever something good comes my way or has a good chance of happening I always used to say, "Ah, it's too good to be true, so therefore it won't happen, and nearly every time, I ended up being 100% correct, right down to the last detail.

And 20 minutes before the movie date, she called me and told me she had work and couldn't make it. I told everyone I told you so, and then they turned it on me saying I deserved it for being so negative and for thinking so poorly of the girl, but the next few times the same s**t happened, and that b***h was just playing with my emotions as she knew I had autism, and believe it or not, that was exactly what I was expecting from the very beginning. I told the girl on the last day of class, I knew her game and that I wasn't as dumb as he thought of me to be, and I told her the truth that I told all my friends and family I expected her to ghost me. Let's just say she was very "hurt" but I knew it was just an act to make me feel guilty for discovering/knowing the truth. It's why I almost never trust people and the rare times I do, I am always proven why I should not trust people.

Same thing happened with jobs, and every time I expect a rejection, no matter how well I do on my interview or how well my resume looks, I still get rejected/denied, and sometimes, they deny me telling me I am not the right candidate, even though I am extremely qualified for the job and have lots of experience, so I do what I usually do and tell people, I told you so and I also predict that they would victim-blame me, so I also record myself predicting that, so when they do, I would play the recording of my prediction back to them, making them eat their own words.

But I was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I knew why I was so distrusting of others, pessimistic, and why I would go to such great lengths to avoid abandonment, rejection or being put down constantly. I was told by my therapist that it was because of my family who always belittled me, and who ignored my emotional needs why I became so mistrusting and pessimistic and impulsive as doing things spontaneously and predicting negative made me feel better, as I felt I had some control or awareness of what is to come.

I always thought the reason I was always rejected and abandoned was because of my autistic traits, as I never tried to push people away, or be clingy, but whenever I predicted someone to reject me, break up with me or abandon me permanently, I have been 100% right, and when I noticed that trend, I began to get really angry and began lashing out at people a few months after they abandoned me thinking, "Well if they don't want to be my friend I will give them a reason." I did that to in my mind make things more even, like if I got punished for something I didn't do, I would do something bad to make there a reason for to be punished as I hated injustice.

I always tried to figure out why everytime I anticipate rejection/abandonment or mistreatment and would go to great lengths to prevent it, why it almost always happened, sometimes even worse than what I anticipated?

Does anyone also have had similar experiences?

I have had similar experiences. But if your family always made you feel like you were wrong, then it is easy to assume it is your fault if things in life don't work out. That is only what they conditioned you to think so they could have some false sense of power. The woman may have had actual work to do, or she may have lied and cancelled the date for her own reasons. It is hurtful and confusing, but you don't really know if she would have been a good girlfriend for you. Maybe you ended up lucky by missing out. Either way, her decision says more about her than about you. The best thing is probably to focus on how your family treated you, since that--not a diagnosis--is what has caused your difficulties.

More recently, There was this girl who is a couple years younger than me, and we had a plan to meet up, but that was botched due to COVID-19.

After we had a lengthy conversation about reparations for African-American descendants of slaves, she said that she did not want to be my friend anymore because I made the conversation too much about myself by talking all about my experiences with discrimination from my family and others, and talking too much about myself, which is an autistic trait of mine.

And that day I was dealing with a lot of drama online with several people spreading rumors behind my back and I was expecting that girl to basically abandon me and when I saw the message I thought long and hard how to make her feel really bad for what she did, and I wrote a carefully worded message and using my rage and anger I wrote her a letter attacking her for abandoning me, and I told her this quote you want to be a therapist and social worker, yet you discriminate against autistic people by saying that I don’t want to be your friend for making the conversation too much about yourself. I bet you’ll make such a great therapist.”

I figured that she blocked me since you told me she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and I sent her the message.

Apparently she read it and she replied to me saying that she didn’t know me long enough to “abandon me“ and that our friendship is over.

Recently I had lashed out it out a few of my former friends when they had all almost systematically abandoned me and I said some pretty harsh words to them to give them a piece of my mind in response to them abandoning me as I had anticipated that for a long time and since then they have not even responded to me, And all of them blocked me.

One of my former friends I thought I had already blocked me when they told me to my face and they did not want to be my friend and I blew up at them and accuse them of being ablelist for unfriending me Apparently they did not block me and they were disgusted by how I attacked them in text message after I found out that they abandoned me.

I wanted to believe that maybe if I had not lashed out against them they would’ve reconsider their decision and stayed as my friend, but the thing was I was expecting them to unfriend me in to do what they did so when it happened because I was perseverating so much over it and I spent a lot of time dwelling on it, I just snapped when it happened as I told myself before the incident even happened that if it happens there’s nothing I can do to change the outcome.

The story of my life - I'm very much AGAINST disclosure. I notice that as soon as someone knows, they start disrespecting you no matter how nice you are, how smart you are, or how successful. Labels are bad. A lot of people that pushed me around had a lot of nerve - some were even worse than me but "God Forbid" that they should share the label.