Existential depression

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I've suffered with depression my entire life but the last few years it has been much worse. It's hard to explain to people because it doesn't feel like the typical clinical depression, more an existential depression. I feel so alone, an outsider and scared that I'm getting life all wrong. I'm also scared that it's meaningless because we all die in the end and everything is lost. I can't seem to get past those fears. My life HAS been hard for many reasons including physical illness. I just...don't know. Can anyone relate? Medication doesn't seem to help/work.

I felt this way especially after college. I lost a lot of what I relied on for fulfillment and coping. I think the depression comes from losing meaning and suddenly being in NT-world...having to live up to a standard unnatural for you. Perhaps you relate. When I'm out of that environment, and can be myself, I feel like I used to again.

I was suicidal and wished I would not wake up every night when I laid down to sleep from age 8 until about age 35. I attempted suicide and at that point was sent to get therapy. I learned all my struggles were not my fault, that I was trapped in a sick family situation and had set behavior patterns and reactions that I relied on to survive but which kept me in the same mess. I learned how to be healthily self assertive and to have healthy communication. I learned how to set and keep boundaries, I learned how to say NO , I learned how to recognize when I was being intimidated, pressured, manipulated and "guilted" and how to healthily defend myself from those tactics. Eventually as I gained skills I was able to handle my world better, bit by bit. I began to make my own decisions, began to think my own thoughts and "do my own thing" in spite of others attempting to control me. Over the course of several years I was able to build a new and healthier life for myself. All I needed was new insights, which I could not see with my autistic rigid thinking and all my fears. I had to have an outsider who spotted them and pointed them out to me and helped me understand I had choices I could make in the way I responded to others. I did not have to just appease and please them regardless of the cost to myself. I believe my depression was "situational" and I got free for the most part from depression when I was given new tools to deal with life, to find myself, and to begin to live my own life. I often wonder how many others are out there in life, trapped like me, and who could have so much a better life by reaching out and asking to learn new skills for every day living. Getting therapy was emotionally the scariest thing I ever did, but the payoff in healthy living now, 40 years later, was worth it. this all happened 40 years before my autism diagnosis at age 68. Therapy saved my life and my sanity. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help to get relief. There are so many new ways to help depression these days, nobody should suffer needlessly when there are so many alternatives.

I also experience this. I feel like i have been living my life wrong and i need drastic changes.

I have had it as a result of being in my thirties and living with family and not having any of my own money or income I have no money of my own coming currently I regret going to college so much and that’s part of why I am down

I get this all the time. I also think why am I supposed to live if I can't eventually keep a job or be just a little satisfied with life. Why should I remain alive if I'm tired and miserable all the time. I could end this all because anyway I'm gonna die sooner or later. I can sleep for 8+ hours and still feel like zombie. Imo being stressed all the time makes me restless, so that's the reason.

But I'm aware that they're just my thoughts and they can be lying. I don't go to therapy(yet?) but I learn how human brain works on my own. And that what we perceive may not equal the reality. Life is hard as sh*t but it has its pros.
I try to distract myself, it's simple and it won't fix the broken world we're all living in, but I don't want to surrender to existential thoughts.

I'm convinced reading stoic works helped some people.

Yep.....Stoicism can frequently be a good thing.